I'm guessing that, since all of you reading this are longtime readers and friends of mine, you know already that I am not a fan of expressing my feelings. A lot of me is buried deep in the bubbly packaging that I let most people to see (Yes, I have met people who called me "bubbly" as if being described the same way as a bottle of champagne is a compliment)
A quick catch up with what I've been doing since I last wrote that teary post about someone remarkable:
I came back home. The home that I have left for only one year and yet felt so foreign already. How did I survive 24 years in this city? Everyone is so rude and hateful and weird. I always knew that I love this city; this country. But it does feel like the kind of love in which I was the only lover in the relationship because I got nothing. And yet, somehow, I just keep loving it anyway.
Perhaps it is true what they said: at the touch of love, everyone becomes an idiot.
If there is one thing that I realized about coming home, it is that being away did not really change me. I have always been like this. I have always felt this way about these people. These situations. Being away only made me romanticized it for a whole year. Right when I got back to it, there is nothing so romantic about it.
Work is hard. Friends are lovely. Families are complicated; tricky, but warm. Weekends start at Friday night and are the best times to vent: about the things you could not say, about the bitterness you thought you should not feel. Brain is still your frenemy. Heart is still fickle. Love is nonexistent. Dating is unthinkable. Where do people find the energy for that anyway?
I know I'm only 25--I just feel like I'm so exhausted to carry on with life and all of its dramas all the time.
Feelings are complicated. Can't I just turn it off for once?
Sunday, January 13, 2019
Saturday, January 12, 2019
The Silver Year
This is the story of how a young woman of 25 year old just started to find out where is her place in the world. When everyone around her seems to have found their niche, she is indeed exploring places she has never been before. Bear with her--she is indeed a very fragile person.
First day of The Silver Year started the revolution in her life. A thrilling meeting with her most favorite Dentist at a breakfast place. Meeting a new, Familiar Face while shopping for groceries. A short affair with a Former Wildcat 14 years her senior who stole her first proper kiss, living in a fancy apartment at the Gold Coast neighborhood; had an Aziz Ansari-style bad date, and ghosted him for a week before he asked for closure. This one month alone felt like it lasted a whole year.
February 2018
Experienced Superbowl for the first time. That night, another dramatic moment with drunk Former Wildcat, who still couldn't seem to accept her refusal. Almost cried because of the embarrassment. Secretly traveled by train 4.5 hours away to Ann Arbor just for the Dentist; made her best friend mad because of her disappearance. Met Fuckboi 1, mistaken first date as thrilling as the first one with the Dentist. Fuckboi 1 lives across the street, so she hung out with him quiet a lot. Until...
March 2018
... he ghosted her by late March. She was disappointed; lonely and disarrayed. For a while.
April 2018
Finals weeks are the worst--and indeed, she had to spend her birthday at the library doing a group study for a private equity class. Familiar Face took her for a stroll during the day with Familiar Face's 14-year-old son. She had been lonely all month long, and it was still pretty cold in the city.
May 2018
She had to learn the hard way that she actually makes more bad choices sober than drunk. The Accountant took her most prized possession, something that she will remember forever, though the more that she thought about it... she gave it to him. He just took what he was given. She made it to the end of grad school, reunited with her family in a far away land, and for the first time in her life, she felt like she was enjoying life.
January 2018
First day of The Silver Year started the revolution in her life. A thrilling meeting with her most favorite Dentist at a breakfast place. Meeting a new, Familiar Face while shopping for groceries. A short affair with a Former Wildcat 14 years her senior who stole her first proper kiss, living in a fancy apartment at the Gold Coast neighborhood; had an Aziz Ansari-style bad date, and ghosted him for a week before he asked for closure. This one month alone felt like it lasted a whole year.
February 2018
Experienced Superbowl for the first time. That night, another dramatic moment with drunk Former Wildcat, who still couldn't seem to accept her refusal. Almost cried because of the embarrassment. Secretly traveled by train 4.5 hours away to Ann Arbor just for the Dentist; made her best friend mad because of her disappearance. Met Fuckboi 1, mistaken first date as thrilling as the first one with the Dentist. Fuckboi 1 lives across the street, so she hung out with him quiet a lot. Until...
March 2018
... he ghosted her by late March. She was disappointed; lonely and disarrayed. For a while.
April 2018
Finals weeks are the worst--and indeed, she had to spend her birthday at the library doing a group study for a private equity class. Familiar Face took her for a stroll during the day with Familiar Face's 14-year-old son. She had been lonely all month long, and it was still pretty cold in the city.
May 2018
She had to learn the hard way that she actually makes more bad choices sober than drunk. The Accountant took her most prized possession, something that she will remember forever, though the more that she thought about it... she gave it to him. He just took what he was given. She made it to the end of grad school, reunited with her family in a far away land, and for the first time in her life, she felt like she was enjoying life.
June 2018
True, bar exam prep is tough and grueling, but it didn't stop her from having fun. The Consultant is distracting her, and the Jailbird as well. She went back home for a little while, reconnecting with best friends and their respective babies... Then she realizes that maybe, just maybe, she belongs here. This is her home. Everyone is here. The group of people that makes her feel home, is here.
July 2018
Bar exam. More loneliness. The Consultant was around, and she actually thought this might be it. This is all the love she'd ever got.
August 2018
Fell in love with a cute toddler. Visited Dentist for the last time. Met with and/or lied to Painter. Left Chicago.
September 2018
Readjusting with "home."
October 2018
Readjusting with "career."
November 2018
Readjusting with "adulting."
December 2018
Readjusting with the idea that she romanticized so many things in her life... much to her own detriment.
I'm writing the first draft of this post while overlooking a beautiful snowy mountain, all white and beautiful... clearly entertaining my ever restless 25-year old heart. He was sleeping next to me, probably dreaming little dreams where I took no part in. My heart constantly shifts between expanding and wrenching; this truly has been a roller coaster ride. This entire trip. This entire year.
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