I didn't know I could tell you

It all started as innocent and unassuming. I viewed your stories - which you have not done in a while, and I honestly almost always do. Then you called me a stalker and asked how I was doing. I felt guilty for making you think I'm stalking you, so I said sorry, and you said, no no, if anything you wish I'd posted more, so that you know what I'm up to. You told me how you recently broke up with someone, and that you interviewed for a job you really want but because of the outbreak, didn't get it. I told you how similar both situations are - I just lost someone and I almost got a job that I wanted but didn't go through because of the pandemic. We talked a little about how you used a fucking Blackberry back in year 2018 -- when iPhone X was already everywhere in Chicago. You were surprised I remember you still used a Blackberry. 

A long term memory is both the best and worst thing about me.

A whole week went by, and I posted again. This time half of my face, and my oldest friends' pictures from our virtual catch up meeting that day. You simply said "Awww" because you thought it was a cute picture. I joked that I know I'm so cute, to which you said, "You are also sweet."

Then there it goes.

I told you that I thought I was being rude, which you didn't think I was. I joked that I am usually very nice that people fell in love with me after the first date. You said "Love is a big word..." and then asked me to refresh your memory of our time together. What I did that was rude. You thought I was hospitable if anything, because I let you stay and sleep at my place. You didn't think I was rude at all, but I was really sweet.

I said it was just the overall interaction. I believe that me reactions were always less than unsavory. I retold the story of the next morning when we went for Yolk, a breakfast place just outside of my building, and even though I KNEW it wasn't a good place (I should've taken you to Wildberry, but that's where I met him and I just couldn't make the same memory of two remarkable people. That would ruin the entire story) I still took you there and I even confessed it there and you said, "Why are you like this?" while looking at me and shaking your head. I told you I felt bad, but... I didn't know you anyway. So why bother.

"If we are being honest now... I really liked spending time with you. I don't know, I just felt you are a sweet person to be hanging out with. Not sure if you felt the same way. The sex sucked though, to be honest."

I laughed. Harder than I have laughed in this trying time we also call year 2020. 

"I honestly kinda felt you were an asshole but whatever. Yeah the sex sucked... But I also never had a guy told me sex with me sucked before, so thanks! This is another first in my life! Haha!"

"You felt I was an ashole? No way. That's bad of me, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It wasn't your fault or anything. Like, I don't know. We didn't have condoms at first and stuff like that. And the next day I was exhausted. Listen, no joke. If you were in the US, I would totally want to date you. I really liked you. But now obviously you are at the other side of the world. So we can just be friends."

I recalled the memories of why I thought I was being rude the whole day to you, and you just told me to stop overthinking about it. I told you that I felt like you were a lot like me, and I hated to meet myself.

You told me that you just simply thought I didn't want to spend time together. You thought it was because I didn't like you as much, and then you thought maybe I was a bit conservative, or worried about the bar exam... You weren't sure, but you felt that I was not into you as much. "But thanks for saying you hated meeting me. It's okay, you can be honest. It is not likely we will meet again anyways. But I don't think we are similar. In some ways, yes. But you're not rude. You're just blunt."

I tried to explain that I hated it because from the way you talk, you sounded a lot like me, and I just hated to meet that bitch in person. But that was it. I don't hate you anymore. If anything, I added you on Snapchat first. I do think that you'd make a good friend. 

I didn't know I could tell you all of this. I just didn't. Being honest about it was honestly very liberating, strangely.

Somehow, you keep on saying, "Seriously though, no pressure if you don't want to talk anymore. That's cool. But I feel weird now that I said I would date you, but you said you wouldn't date me. Awkwarddddd."

I laughed. Again. The hardest I could remember in 2020.

I told you that's not what I was saying. I still wanna talk. I probably would say yes to date you if you live nearby, but you never were. Even when I was in Chicago, you were not nearby, and I don't do well in distance. I had to mention two cases of my failure with distance (that is not so painful anymore now suddenly). And if you weren't so remarkable honestly I wouldn't remember anything about that day anyway, so you're actually quiet something for me.

You feel flattered, and the mentioned that you've dated a few girls but things didn't work out. Mentioned again how it was just a couple of weeks ago that you broke up, and that long distance aren't practical. "Cool cool. We are friends forever!"

I mentioned my own version of the break up, which also happened 2 weeks ago. You asked me what happened, I explained, and you said that was a stupid excuse to break up. I said it didn't feel like a break up, there was no relationship there, but just the end of an era. You told me to be careful of any infection, and suddenly you said, "I don't know, [back then] I felt you were clean and also you were a good kisser so I couldn't resist the temptation. But I really try not to sleep around with girls until I know them for a while."

I laughed. Again and again. 

"Yeah I remember that kiss. Really polite of you to ask 'Can I at least kiss you now?'"

You laughed, "You disturbingly remember a lot of details."

"I know right. And I was drunk too."

"It was an amazing kiss, honestly. You are good."

"Told you that night was quiet remarkable."

"I don't think I'll ever forget it either." Somehow I'm imagining that you're smiling while typing this.

Then you told me you've had so many scares the next day in the morning when you sleep with girls you just met, but you honestly weren't worried about me because you felt I was smart and clean. "So I didn't panic that time and ran to get tested."

Before you go, you told me what you always told me, "Ahh, I can talk to you forever, but I'm 11 hours behind you now and it is past midnight, so..."

"Yeah. Good night."

I don't know if I could ever tell you the truth behind it all. The big part of why you were so remarkable - why the 24 hours felt so different. I don't know if I would ever be able to muster up the courage to tell you, because - what difference would that make?

Participant of History

By the time I'm writing this, it is almost day 90 of my working from home due to self-quarantine / social distancing / lockdown / whatever you wanna call it.

If you ask me what has happened in the past 90 days in quarantine, where time is clearly just a man-made concept and every boundaries between our professional and personal life are blurred, I would say... honestly, probably more than what would typically happen within a 90 day period of my normal life (where I would just work, go to yoga, and try to get enough sleep / drink enough water / call my mom often enough).

Here's a recap of what happened in the past 90-ish days:

1. Had a beautiful, blissful business trip to Labuan Bajo, met komodo dragons, saw some of the most beautiful sunrise / sunset in my life.
2. Cooked a lot more dishes than I thought I would ever do before I actually raise a family. (God, I miss Blue Apron)
3. Broke quarantine protocols for someone I've known for about a year and seem to care about me.
4. Had my quarantine birthday. Hey, I'm 27!!!
5. The person I broke quarantine protocols for says he loves me. I know I don't, but I start to try to care more, and then he thinks he's into somebody else and I got blocked on social media. Love is a loaded word. Careful when to use it.
6. In light of #5, I lost that person. Currently trying to live my life with that knowledge. Will take some getting used to but at least... It doesn't hurt as bad as the last time I actually had to lose someone from my life.
7. But worry not, because quarantine (1) brings SO MANY old flames to ask about how you are doing / whether Coronavirus has killed you, and (2) brings EVEN MORE new, exciting flames. Maybe you won't EVER meet them in person once quarantine is over, but that's not exactly why they're there anyways. You just needed someone to fill your time with. And that's what they serve to be. If after this quarantine ends they're gone, who cares? (Please remind me to read this again once quarantine is REALLY over?)
8. Too many people have said quarantine makes me (1) have better skin (2) looks brighter, probably because of enough sleep (3) and slimmer face, possibly because of... AGE :)
9. Quarantine means less time to actually date in real life, and so much texting has led to too many people saying (1) I remind them of their last ex (2) I remind them of their most beloved ex (this happened more than once...) and (3) I am their female version (this also happened more than once...)
10. A colleague recommended me a tarot reader on youtube who she thinks is right a lot of ways, and so far she's been right about (1) My May love life (2) My June love life, although it has just started (3) who my soulmate is, and where i would meet them (4) my spirit guide -- not-so spoiler alert: It's a guy, or even if it's not a guy, it's a very strong, masculine-energy woman.
11. My parents -- They are still healthy and loving in their own ways. But one or two discussions about each of their families definitely made me think differently about the concept of my personal wealth, about my relationship with family, about my future... I don't know if it's me being older (and hopefully wiser) but I'm responding to it differently now.
12. I got an infection. A curable one. But I definitely thought I'm too smart to get this. I'm not. I was wrong. Don't do what I did.

So you see - it has been a very long 90 days. Very wild, but not as exciting. If I have to choose between this and normal days, I'd choose normal days still... I may have to fight and struggle like 500% more, but at least it won't be point 1-11 above. I'm exhausted now. All in all, it was my privilege to be a participant of history, where we're being heroes just by sitting on our ass at home. But it's exhausting, too. In a very privileged way I would say, it is exhausting too.