Perhaps this is what it is supposed to be

Newsflash: yesterday, I was walking back from lunch with two of my co-workers when all of a sudden I stumbled upon a pile of cables and sprained my ankle. The X-Ray showed nothing wrong but I have to spend today resting in bed with my sprained ankle elevated and not really doing anything (thankfully work is also manageable today).

So what I did was, while alone and half-crippled in my apartment, other than browsing for food deliveries and looking into whether I should invest in cryptocurrency... yup, you guessed it right. I looked at some of my former flames' current lives. Which, you know, having been listening to Olivia Rodrigo's album incessantly in the past week... maybe I shouldn't have? 

I do that every now and then with the Painter but obviously, because I worked so hard to get over him, even though it is not 100% yet for me (for sure for him it's like, 15000% already), I have no problem whatsoever. I'm genuinely happy with the way that his life turned out to be, if not a little proud, of him. He made things work for them. Maybe he wouldn't be able to make anything work with me, so it was the right thing to do. I feel... justified. (Although as you know, I'm still not proud of how I did it)

And of course, that's not exactly what happened today.

The Consultant is married. I've known this for some time, he's been engaged for some time, too. I never knew to whom. Today I found out, and gosh, that is some really beautiful woman. He's made VP of a bank. She runs her own business, very talented in interior design and flower arrangement... Basically, they're gonna make a very, very beautiful home. It also looks like he's moved back to the city that he's always loved so much and she grew up there, it seems? At least her family is. Her background is also similar to him although maybe not exactly, but I knew for two Muslims (or raised-Muslims) in the US, that's more than enough. I'm so happy for them. So happy. I always thought he was emotionally available, but of course, people can change, and maybe he was only unavailable for me.

And then there's the Ad Man. I've talked about this person a few times here for some reason. I guess he is special in one way or another to me. He's back to dating someone now and this time actually feels different from last year. Around this time last year was when things started to get really weird. Now that he's in that place again, and I am still feeling very secure where I am, it actually is a very good thing for me. What's bad is simply that... 

...you know how people say that there are girls who hate "losing a fan"?

This is it. That is me right now. I hate losing a fan. That is what it feels like now. That is what it felt like when The Accountant told her he was getting married 3 years ago (he didn't). That is what it feels like last year with the same person. I know, it's selfish. It's 100% the song "happier" by Olivia Rodrigo. I hate this feeling. 

I know that like everything else with this person, it'll pass soon. What's happening is I'm currently alone with my thoughts and my computer screen and my phone and got too much time on my hands, so I actually got to think about it all. However, seeing these 3 people today, I can't help but think that...

...sometimes you can't see why things didn't work out back then, and so you made all of these excuses in your head to justify why. But then time keeps on moving, and things actually fall into place, and when you look into it, you think to yourself, "Oh, I'm glad it ends up this way. It would never have been this wonderful if things had stayed the same."

I don't know if it makes sense to you, but it does for me. 

7x4

I'm officially 28!

This is a somewhat... important, number, for me. This is the age that I always told people would be the age when I would be ready to mature up, or as I put it back then, "I would not get married before I'm 28."

I hope I'm not wrong to say this, but being home most of the time in the past year, I have somewhat turned... maybe not wiser, but I guess more mature? Less risk-taker, more settle-down type. I prefer to spend on things I will definitely give me some sort of protection, some sort of health. Maybe it's because I watch how close death is with all of us... How I have started to see what should be my priority. How I realized that I still lack the things that my parents have had when they were my age - which may be an indication that I should immediately change, otherwise I may not have a comfortable life that they were able to provide for me.

My wish is that for this 28th year of my life be spent wisely; in love and out of grudge or hatred for anyone. Happiness is futile and maybe it shouldn't be the goal - maybe it should just be a bonus instead. I have to admit that I am happy and content with my life as it is now. Of course it can be better - but maybe this "contentedness" is more sustainable and maybe this is what we should aim for instead.