I Can't Make You Love Me

I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't tell you how many times I've tried and failed, but I did. And nothing good ever comes out of it. I can't tell you how much effort I've made just to make you love me; really love me, not just with the idea of me. I can't force the universe to make a sign for you to read, just so that you know that you should love me. Eventually I found out, that maybe the universe doesn't know how, either. So you shouldn't try with all your might too. You shouldn't have to tell your heart to love me if it doesn't. You shouldn't try to fall in love with me. Nobody ever tried to fall off their bikes, so you shouldn't try to fall in love too. Because the reason why your heart is so hesitant is probably because it's not ready to be hurt again. And it's right. I can't guarantee you that if you love me, I'd stop you from ever feeling hurt again. I can't guarantee that you would be blessed with happiness everyday, because who can? I can't guarantee you that I will keep being the same person; that I will love you forever. I can't guarantee you anything. And so maybe for the same reason, we don't have a future together. You can't guarantee that you'll make me happy; with, or without the love that you actually feel. But you don't owe me anything. You don't have to fall in love with me. Some loves don't mean to work out, and this is one of those. You don't have to pretend that you can love me back; or that you can try, until someday it finally does. Love is not a work out; you don't fall in love with me just because you are used to my presence around you. You can't make your heart feel something it won't. You can try all you want, but when it doesn't, it doesn't.

Hemingway said it right

You can have all of your smart books that talks about the history, or war, or some great minds from the past that you admire since grade 10, and I will happily read a magazine or some literary piece you never quiet get. And you will quote Shakespeare, one that you got from the internet because you know they put me to sleep though you can never read it, and I will call you Che or Albert or some other names from the heavy books you keep in your night stand because you want to sound like a hero, even for just a second. 

Not losing me

We are always so busy trying with all our might not to lose someone, that we forget that the biggest tragedy is actually to lose ourselves in the process to make them stay. We shouldn't stay with someone who rain on our lives every day, over flooded our lives with so much misery that you can't remember the last time you didn't feel miserable by the name of [insert their names here]. But you are responsible for your own life, and no one should have any business related to whether or not you feel happy or miserable. Because this is your life, and anyone who came into your life shouldn't be deciding your destiny. You should know that some people are meant to be part of your life, but never, ever, lose your dignity to them; not anyone. 

Daddy

Anywhere in the world, I feel like we didn't thank our fathers enough. Even here in Indonesia, where most of the customs derived from a strong patriarchal culture, we don't have a special day that's dedicated to honor our fathers, who have gone through ups and downs to raise us not any less than our mothers did. So here's to you, my old man. Happy father's day. I can never thank you enough. You've taught me all the things I need to get by through this peculiar life. I love you. Thank you for everything you've done for me, whether you realize it or not.

Leave Me Be

So here we are. It's your station, and you should go. I won't hold you back. 

I'm not loving you the way you want me to. Heck, I'm not even loving you the way I wanted to.

You should fly the way birds fly; free and happily.

Puppy Love

First loves are funny. They weren't meant to be so serious, were they? And yet, you will always remember them dearly, as if they left this special mark on your heart because they stepped on it with such might that it will always be there, no matter what the future may hold. 

Here's the story. Yesterday I met someone, who I have to say, was certainly I never expected to see again since the last I saw him. He was the first person that I've ever been romantically attracted to. Was it puppy love? I don't know, maybe. Maybe something less serious than that. But I remember being 5 years old and he was 6, and we were always in a certain competition to be the smartest in class for the next 6 years. He used to be this cute little boy who's smart and good in sports, and, during the last few years of elementary school, was every girl's secret crush.

Basically, I just think that it was the moment that we'd like to call serendipity. A fortunate incident. Why, well, because the last time I actually talked to him was... back in elementary school days. And we've been in somewhat the same college for three years now, never having bumped into each other, not even once. But then that very day, my very last day of the sixth term, our stars were crossed, and... "IS THAT YOU?!" moment happened. Nothing has been funnier than this so far. I mean, what are the chances, huh?

So, first loves are funny. Of course we've moved on, sure. That was a very long time ago. But they left a mark. I don't know whether you'd like the mark they left on you, but they did, and not so many people in your childhood can do that. It kind of makes me proud knowing that he's the person he is today, I mean, the 5 year old me would've been proud of what he's able to do today. And why am I writing this? Well... I don't know. Because a serendipity deserves a post, just as much as it deserves one great romantic movie starring Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack. And also, because it was so funny and totally take me back in time... in a good way :)

Forgetful Lucy

Someone asked me very recently a question that is almost unanswerable; not because there was a wrong variable in the question, but more because it's just impossible to answer one. The question was this: How do you try to forget someone you like?

It's not as hard as answering to the questions such as how to stop the war in Gaza, or how to cure AIDS  or something like that. And it's also not something that scientists and professors tirelessly working in the lab or discussing with their fellows to solve. It's just something that perhaps, they too, have problems with.

Well, what was my answer to that question? I don't know. I'm not really in the capacity to answer that question as if I'm an expert. Truthfully, I don't think I ever chose 'forgetting' as my coping mechanism, so I don't know what it takes for one to forget someone they've been romantically linked to.

But maybe, well, just maybe. We don't. We don't try to forget. Trying to forget would only means remembering even more, doesn't it? And that's not really what we're aiming for. I think forgetting would happen the same way moving on does. They just happen. You had to undergo some really rough journey, feeling tortured each day you wake up, knowing that that person still owns a (special) place in your heart. And you wonder why. Why you had to have feelings for them. Why not everyone can have the luxury to have that on-and-off buttons in their hearts. Or why don't the freaking genius scientists work on a forgetting pills so that people don't have to go through the misery of trying to forget about someone. But then one day, without you even realizing, you have gone the whole week without thinking about them, be it because you're busy or just because you forgot. Yay!

The Great Audrey Hepburn once said that happiness is a short-term memory. That might be true. But even if you were born with this amazingly long-term memory, it doesn't mean you can't forget. Once, you had a childhood amnesia, which resulted in you not remembering the first two or three years in your life. Hear me out. You don't have to forget. Sometimes, to stop thinking or feeling, or whatever it is about something of someone, you don't have to forget. Sometimes all it takes is the acceptance that, well, you and them can't happen. End of story. You don't forget, you just make peace with that part of yourself. It takes time, sure. But so does everything else, even getting you out of your mother's womb takes time, so wait for it. And in the meanwhile, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless, keep breathing.

Self-Disclosure

picture by wirrow

I wish coming clean about something, be it the bitter truths, or feelings, or simply just what's on our minds, could be easy. Especially if it's supposed to affect someone else, because they need to know, you know? No, actually, they deserve to know. It's only easy for people who, a) has some crazy balls, and b) don't have feelings. Life is short and it would be unwise to not give yourself the kind of disclosure it craves. I guess like everything, it takes time for us to summon all the strengths and just go forward. But the question is, how long would they wait for you?