Gosh. This is exhausting

Have you ever missed someone so much you start imagining how good or bad life would be had it all worked out?

Because both scenarios are possible. There may be a reason why it didn't work out for the two of you, but the possibilities of what could have, should have or would have, happened, had it worked out, are endless.

It was the distance. But it didn't matter. Because I could move there to be with you. I could find a decent-paying job. You could move here to be with me, and we will both have to build new lives so there is a space for you. But then I would grow to hate the cold and lonely. Or you would hate me for making you take a pay cut and join me in this dumpster I call home. Maybe you would find someone hotter and more fun than me. More jovial. We would be very unhappy.

It was someone else. But it didn't matter. How many couples worked their way out of it? In this day and age, it would be a wonder if someone had never committed infidelity. Everyone would have done it at least once, in some capacity and to a certain extent, depending on whose definition you use. I could have forgiven you. You could have forgiven me. We would have falled back in each other's arms. But maybe we'd find out that old habits die hard. Eventually one of us would go back to our old ways. Or, we can grow old together and be very happy living in a seaside villa by a lake, where children would run around chasing ducks.

I would love to watch all the movies with all the infinite possibilities that we could have been if only it had all worked out. I would love to see how wild things can get. I would love to be shown that we were just very wrong for each other, that's why it didn't work out. You're probably one in a million, but there's a hundred million reasons why we just cannot happen. I'm probably not perfect you, but I was never that good for you anyway.

Gosh. This is exhausting.

Maybe time is indeed the best closure of all. No movies about infinite possibilities needed.

ESB

So this has been four years since then.

It took me four full years to be able to actually sit down with my feelings and look back on that particular week, and write about what it was all about. It took me four years, one trip to Barcelona, one trip back to the exact same city where it all happened, and a number of emotionally unavailable men that I unsuccessfully recruited to replace you.

What I did not expect is that I would come back to that same corner of the world and be able to remember more from that particular week than I thought I did. Perhaps I actually do remember more than bits and pieces of what happened, but my selective memory chose only the painful ones so I could move on more easily. Little did I know that by coming back, by seeing the same surrounding hills (minus the snow), by seeing the same buildings, same demure architecture of boring old government buildings, my memories of the good parts would be evoked.

My memory came back. Only the good parts. And I smiled.

What I did not expect is that I smiled. I was expecting to cry while listening to the same playlist you showed me on the way back from the short trip. But no. I was smiling as the bus took me to the one spot in the city that I specifically mentioned to you I wanted to check out but you did not take me. Perhaps I've come to terms with the way things are. Perhaps I've accepted that I'm the villain in that particular chapter of our lives. Perhaps, like so many Hollywood movies, you and I were supposed to go through the growing pains of dating a million assholes until we meet the one we'll stick with, and in your movie, I am one of those assholes.

I always knew the city can be cold and the people beautiful. But that day - that very day, it was warm. The golden hour washed over me and beautifully shine on the caramel stone and marbles. I am grateful that I met you. That such encounter led me to this city. That I learned so much about what my heart was capable of - of what she really desires - from the brief, but extremely valuable time that we shared.

I didn't know where you were at that exact time. You were probably working from the couch while cuddling the dog. Or washing your car. Or running errands. Or doing laundry. I did not even know which part of the town you took me to. Which mall. Which restaurants. Which neighborhood your old guys live in. I wondered what they were up to, but took comfort in knowing that they cannot be at the place that I was visiting. I whispered to the air, "Thank you." Hoping that you and your family can feel it through the air. I loved you so much. Maybe I will always do; in various other ways. You were the main character of a certain chapter in my life, and even though you are no longer in the books, you will always be there somewhere, sitting in a small but treasured corner of my life that I will never stop being thankful for.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for realizing that I've moved from constantly feeling stung by a bee at the slightest thought of you, to being able to come back there and smile a relieved smile because I've known you. I don't think you'll ever read any of these words I've written for you, but hopefully, the air will send you my thank you whenever you come back home.

Thank you.

Lady Run

I was coming downstairs to pick up food deliveries earlier this evening when I saw a very familiar scene. A scene that I used to be an active participant in, but now is simply an observer. A passive one. Because I believe in privacy and whatever journey that anyone's in, is their own business to deal with.

An average-looking guy with average height and body type, dressed in homely t-shirt and cargo shorts but doused with an unnecessary amount of perfume, entered the elevator. Without any talking, I can safely assume what he is and what he does: he is either picking up food or someone cute. It was ony later after I was waiting for the elevator again after picking up my food that I realized it was the latter: it was someone cute.

The cutie is about the age I was. She wore long straight-leg trousers and cardigan, and carried a canvas tote bag. She was asking him which floor her is. 

Oh my God, she is me.

Three years ago. But still, she is me. This is how people used to see me 3 years ago.

Inside the elevator, he greeted an elderly lady who entered from the fifth floor. When she got off by the seventh floor, she asked me whether that's her neighbor. He laughed and said not really, but she's kind of an agent for the rentals in this building, and he met her in 2019 when he first came to this city. Then they got off before me, straight to his apartment.

I smiled and thought to myself, I've come so far from those days.

I wished her well deep inside of my heart, and against his family's wishes and all odds, maybe they can work it out. Maybe they won't. But whatever it is, I wished her and him well. I wished her that, if this isn't what her heart wants, she'd realize it soon and will come out of it sooner than later. That she'd find someone that will make her realize her worth, and that she's much better than what she thinks she is. I hope one day she will find her path.

Maybe I'm being judgmental, and maybe I'm wrong. I swear by God I hope I'm wrong. But I wished her well. Because maybe one day back then somebody saw me in an elevator and wished me well. Maybe somebody hoped that I'd find someone who make me realize my worth, and that I am better than what I thought I was.

I hope one day, he will change.

What we will tell each other

 

I still have this dream that one day, I will wake up knowing that that day, I am going to meet you to catch up over coffee. You will first tell me about your new job and what happened to your dog recently. I will tell you about my recent travels, and what my boyfriend just said to me last night about the new bar that just opened in my building and is a new hot spot.

One day, we will talk to each other about our lives and look back at the past with a smile, and the knowledge that the fact that it didn't work out, was a beautiful thing. We were not meant to be together, because there's someone else that we are meant to find. And then we found them. And then we stick with them.

And then eventually, things will work out.

And through it all, I will still love you. You will still love me, and think of me whenever you pass by our old neighborhood. We may have our own lives now and are completely happy and content with who we are, but you are still a very important part of me. My history. You are the reason that I am able to have a life that I can be happy in - even though you're not in it anymore. 

I hope you find content in knowing that I will always love you. I hope you will never hate me for what I did. 

Almost 30

I'm in the last year of my 20s, and although my life is far from perfect or where I wished I would be, can't say that I'm not happy with the way things have turned out to be. Is there still something that I wish would be better, or another place I'd rather be? Yes, of course. But also, did I really think I'd be here, say, 10 years ago? Also no. In a good way.

Because it's Eid season, I went to visit some relatives and got to hear these gossip from other family members; family who, had it not been because of these open house gatherings, I probably would never recognize them on the street also. But alas, they are family.

I love these gatherings not because I love hanging out with the people. I love them because it gives me a better perspective of where I am in life; how lucky I am, how things could've turned out to be so much worse, and also, what kind of person I DO NOT want to be. More importantly, these things make me love my parents so much more. I believe they raised me and my siblings well. Not perfect, but well. I don't know how to thank them, and I don't think I would do a job as good as them at raising human offspring.

That being said, I'm obviously not perfect and it's not like I'm having my life so much better than others. After all, "better" is a matter of perspective. I'm sure many of my relatives think I have a very pathetic job that makes me have to work 16 hours a day. I'm sure they really do think that I should've been married by now instead of constantly complaining about a career that I'm not all that crazy to do anyway. But we all have our own lives, so instead, we just listened to what people said and move on.

Younger, Wiser, Me

If there is one thing that I like about growing up, it is one of those moments where I realize that who I am today is the result of a younger version of me who was experiencing the growing pains and feeling feelings she had to endure so that one day she would be able to walk away from certain situations more easily than if she had not.

Today, I stumbled upon this tweet of mine from back when I was 22.

Btw, it's not only my Twitter that's full of gems from my younger days. This blog certainly has even more meaningful ones.

Look, obviously I lived through that. I can't remember precisely the exact moment when I posted that tweet and who exactly came to my mind - but I can assure you she was not exactly feeling what she thought she was feeling. She was not wrong - my guess is she just found that quote to match the background music that she was listening to, and she was enjoying it so much that she was dreaming it. I can assure you, she was not experiencing that. 

Fast forward 6 years later, her older version self read it and is able to look back at recent events and thought of how much she owed her 22-year old self for surviving her last heartbreak. She now recalls how she learned to walk away from people who only love their idea of her, but not her. Or people who love her but never made her feel loved. 

I don't know who needs to read this, or better yet, who will read it (that was never my point for writing anyway). But I want you to know that you are a loveable person. We are all a little hard to love. We are all messy and needy and have our own baggage. That's just our human experience. So it makes sense that people love you. There will be people out there who love you and people who love you. You need to know the difference. You know the difference when you realize that you have to determine your own worth. Don't settle for just about anyone who tells you they love you. If you don't feel loved, please walk away.

You should not have to convince yourself that they love you. You should just know. Because you feel it. Because they make sure that you feel it. 

The Warm Bath at the End of A Very Long Day

On January 1st 2021, I posted on my social media hoping that 2021 will be that warm bath at the end of a very long day (aka. 2020. Sigh) and lo and behold... IT WAS!

I left 2021 in a very high spirit, a very grateful mind, and just overall feeling happy. Believe me when I say that my 2021 was good - definitely one of those years where I can feel that I, myself, have grown tremenduously. The journey was not exactly easy or smooth, but I definitely enjoyed the ride. It was a very fulfilling year, and I feel mostly... content, with what I have.

A brief recap of my 2021 - it started out bumpy. I broke my phone in a friend's jacuzzi, and then, of course, I turned 28. I learned how to respect myself and my body - which led me to start my weight loss journey for the first 3 months, and as a birthday gift, I got myself HPV shots. Then work starts to pick up its pace. Not quite what it was in 2019, but definitely very different from work in 2020.

I also met my partner for the first time after over a year of daily video calls and incessant texting. Spent a month in Bali and it was heaven. It felt right. He made me do so many new, good things - things that for some reason I never feel like doing at all. With him, I feel safe and secure. With him, I feel so in love.

Then at the end of the year, I had my very first major expense - renovating my apartment. It was completed right on December 30, 2021 and took about 2 months. I've never been so broke - but so happy!

Of course there were low points in 2021 too; it will never be all rainbows and butterflies. But the highs, the achievement, the wins - they all make the lows feel worth it, if not necessary.

I feel very victorious coming out of 2021. Can't remember the last time I feel this way, but I'm grateful for everyone and everything I have in my life right now. My partner. My family. My friends and support system. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have control over the things happening in my life.