Strong Feelings, No Hard Feelings

Your name resurfaced after ten days of full radio silence.

You asked if I'm back in Chicago and suddenly talked about how you are going to your war torn home country next month. Ever the unsuspecting person that I am, I did not see this coming.

Did not see that this is how the universe is telling me that No, he is not for you. 

"It's my mother's wishes." you said.

"She misses home so much?" A completely reasonable question, until you put it into context and made that question sounds dumb in hindsight.

"She found a girl for me," I read your text and suddenly the air around me was gone. There was a strong jab to my lungs. I could not breathe, "she lives across the street from the house I used to live in. I remember her vaguely, but I know I used to fight... well, argue, with her,"

I remember saying congratulations, then you said you were not all ready for the change that is coming because "the wedding may be within a month or so."

You talked about how you had been fighting it for months--years, even. Talked about how your older brother fought the system 10 years ago and now he's absolutely estranged, "it's like he never exists... so I gave in. I choose to not fight it and be happy."

"I really wanna say I'm sorry," I said, honestly. My eyes were wet with water that came from a well that is probably located very close to the deepest part of me. The part of me that usually feel the hardest truth to be admitted, "but that is not the spirit you should hear right now. So, congratulations. But please know that I'm still so sorry that this is the way it should be for you."

I joked that if you used to argue with her, then that's a good sign of her being rational, smart, and sane. It was a half-joke, of course, but you know that. You liked my 'one of a kind sarcasm,' and that it was something I wrote that brought up the last time we met.

Sorry, I mean the first and last time we met. But it was the last few seconds. While you were wearing your shoes and I could not wait until you leave.

Because perhaps like your future wife, I found you irritating. Disagreeable. God, I hated you so much. And I don't use the word 'hate' too often because it's too strong; too harsh.

But you deserve that.

Because I did have a strong feeling for you. I did feel something was different. I was wrong about who my Jesse Wallace is. It wasn't him. It was more... you.

Do I want to see you again in 10 years? 

God, yes. More than anything. I want to see you succeed. I know you can be whoever you think you are right now (and I do think you think highly of yourself). I want to surprise you after a press conference of your world book tour. I want to take you to my favorite coffee shop and talk (again) about how I have tried to do the meaningful work that I told you I'd been dying to do, only to find that I may have the capability, but not the ego to do it.

Do I want you to stay with me forever and have twin girls together?

God, yes. Yes. A resounding yes.

Do I want to find myself at an airport with you, sending your son back to his mother after spending the summer with us?

No. Never. I would NEVER wish you'd leave your wife, for whatever reason, unless you really have to. Jesse did not leave his wife for Celine, yes, but he had to go through a marriage that he was unhappy in. He had to endure a life with someone he couldn't care less about, and put his son through all the suffering.

I would never want anything bad to happen to you. Or your wife. Or anyone you cared about.

My only wish is for you to find happiness. To find love. To find whatever it is that you've been looking for.

Because you may took something from me; but I gave it to you, and not once have I ever regretted that.

A Reflection, One Hour Later

Will I tell my grandchildren about you? Probably.

They need to learn that they should not have to travel for 5 hours just to get a boy's attention.
They need to learn that we accept the love we think we deserve; and their grandmother was once a fool for thinking that she deserved a love where she's the sole fighter trying to work things out with someone who merely wish for it.

Did I love you? Yes.

I may not know what love is, so I might be wrong.

But is there anyone else whose silent company I enjoy more? Is there anyone else whose fault I overlooked so much, that if it was another person I'd kill him? No.

Did I regret everything that I did for you? All that train rides, bus stops, chocolates, tears, sleepless nights? No.

You're worth it. And even if you're not, what you left me with, is.

The Good Bye

I can't believe that here we are now.

The point that I always talked about when we first met. The very point that I always knew was coming, but never really thought of how imminent it is. Until now.

Until we said our good bye. Until we hold our last hug. Until we exchanged our last smile.

I always knew you were a lesson, not a blessing. Always knew that everything about us was temporary.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it comes the time for you to be my past.

To talk about you in past tense.

To keep you in my memory as a fragment of the past.

A fragment that I may or may not carry with me fifty, sixty years from now.

Because in spite of everything that happened in between; in spite of how my mind is always telling me something it deliberately assumes about you without ever actually talking to you... I always knew that everyone else was just a replacement of you.

A temporary replacement.

So temporary, in fact, that even when they should be the back up... Eventually you are the back up of them. Eventually, I ran back to you.

I know things changed.

I know that even six months ago, you weren't in that place anymore. My fickle mind, however, had just caught up and reached that place when it realized what it's missing.

It's late. I feel cold. Sad and broken at the same time. I'm afraid I'd never see you again. You tried to fill me with hope, but the precedents are not on your side and I can't live on hope. Enough of that from you for a lifetime.

A2, MI, USA

Aug 4th, 2018