Family

“What qualifies someone as a hero? Obviously a hero has to be someone who we respect, a person we look up to, a person who is generous of spirit, who is willing to grow and learn. Maybe it is the person who you love most in this world or the guy who makes the most out of life, no matter what anyone thinks. For me though, the hero in my family is my family because of who we are together.”

-Modern Family

We live in a society that has no mercy. There are standards we must live up to and sanity is a luxury. We come out of work with broken bones, wounded hearts and tired souls. At the end of the day, we are damaged goods. But there's a group of people, whom we were taught to call family, that we have always take for granted during the high times. 

They are the people who's willing to nurse your wounds. They will try to ignite your bones, and they will be the best people to help feed your soul. Sure, we all have this love-hate relationship with our families. We have some problems along the way, and some of us are not so lucky to have the kind of family that actually nurtures your worn out self. But they are family. There are questions you would like to ask, from why would they sit at dinners with you to why they'll come to your graduation day; and there will always be one answer: Because we're family. 

That is what families do. We screw up all the time. But our family will always stay where they are, making sure that nothing bad ever happened; you just had bad dream. We screw up, and we feel sorry, but see what they'll tell you instead? "You can always come back home." 

Family forgets. Family stays together. Family just needs to show up and say nothing to make you feel better. And family is your home.

L is for the way you look at me

There is a reason why it is very hard for me to open up to you.

It's not because I don't want to, or because I'm not ready. And I am not pushing you away. The reason why I do what I do is because I have lived without you before, and my life was good, and I'm afraid that once I let you in, you'll change everything for me.

Because you have the power to do so. You're probably unaware of it, but it's certainly there. I'm afraid that once you're here, I would really enjoy it... until you're not there anymore. I don't wanna wake up one day just to realize that you're gone. That you won't be here anymore. That you, just like everybody else, have left.

I don't wanna get used to your presence, not because I don't want you, but more because I don't wanna get hurt. I know what it feels like to be vulnerable, and just like everybody else, I don't like it. Our mistakes have a tendency to make us learn, but they also tend to make us traumatic over the changes in the course of our lives. One day you will realize that I'm a mess; and I'm probably a mess that you don't wanna clean up.

Love takes courage, and to love at all one must put on their brave suit. I don't know when I will take the chance and give you the key. I don't know if you would still be there when I will. But you have to know that I don't fear love; I only fear the possibility that you may go someday, and you won't take me with you.

They don't live like Jack and Sally

Oh, come on. How can you not enjoy the sight of it? 

Act of Valor

Courage. Bravery. Valor. Grit. Whatever you may choose to define fearlessness, they are pretty strong words, right? They make you wanna rip your heart out so that you stop listening to all those fears haunting you from the inside. But they are not the words used to define the absence of fear. In truth I always find true grit in the ones who have every rights to breakdown and cry; to hang themselves up the ceiling or jump right into a lion's cage. They are the people who found courage in between all the hopelessness. They faced their fear and found that it's stronger than them, but they went through it anyway. Half-dying, but not dead. There is always unrecognized strength that let them walk through life as a warrior. The force that lets them know that they can always win. And they will. 

One can keep a secret

Don't tell them all your secrets. For one day you will wake up and realize that everyone's got a piece of you; while you have nothing.

Hate is a Strong Word

The opposite of hate is probably love, but love is not even a word as strong as its counterpart.

I don't hate people who make their way around being snobbish. I don't hate people who lie. I don't hate people who play dirty. And I don't always hate people who treat me wrong.

I hate people who make me feel bad about myself. And those who make me treat myself badly.

I know this person who was once in the position to be considered my friend. We were friends, not necessarily good friends, but friends nonetheless. One day, I made the mistake of agreeing to get involved with this person even further; the mistake that I never plan to take but did anyway. And time after time, I grew tired of their antiques. It was not until then that I realized I was not made to be friends with them. I was not even made to tolerate them, because they are just horrible, and I might also come off as being detestable to them. It was a lose-lose situation. And we were just stuck. There was no way of turning back, as there was also no way of stopping in the middle of the road. It was basically a nightmare for each of us. That's when I realize that I hate this person. Hate is a strong word, but I feel like there should be a stronger word I could use to explain how I feel.

Hate corrupted my soul, my life, my entire being. Hate consumed all the cheeriness and the good in me. When I think about the time I had to spend with that person, I see a terrible person. I became such a terrible person, someone that I can't be proud of... Someone that doesn't even look like me. Emotionally speaking, I was a monster. I was not me. I may not be such a nice person in general, but back then I was horrible. How many times do I have to say that? And I hate myself. I lost respect in myself and I couldn't think of a better day. It was almost like going to fight in a war with myself, in which I cannot win. I hate myself, and for that I hate that person entirely.

That person didn't treat me badly, no. Yes, they were kind of a jerk, but who isn't? We were all born a little bit of a jerk and a bitch inside. But they were just bad for me, that's all. Not everyone was made for you just as much as you weren't made for everyone. This is why they say someone isn't bad for you because of the way they treated you, but more for the way they make you feel about yourself. 

So here's my point in case I confuse you with my writing: Hate is necessary. Sometimes. But it is bad for you. Here's the catch: heroin and morphines are also bad for you, and yet doctors still inject it into you when you most need it. So, it's not always bad, you know? You could use the emotion. As long as you keep it to the healthy amount, it's good for you. As of for me, I only let it go as far as to the people who make me feel bad about myself. Your life isn't some punk rock music. You don't have to scream hatred every where you go. But your hate towards someone can teach you that you know better of yourself. You can choose what (or who) is good or bad for you. You are big enough to be selective of what worth keeping in your life and what not. And at the end of the day, you can be genuinely thankful of the people who make you feel loved; people who don't make you feel worthless or stupid or simply ugly. You deserve to always feel good, at least about yourself.

I Wish You Love

I wish I could've understood love long before you came.

I wish that I could see you the way they used to see you; this charming man who's most likely to be everyone's knight in shining armor. 

I wish, before you came, I had known how to love someone that was someone else's dream.

I wish I would've changed my mind while you're here. I wish you would've waited could be more patient, because I take a long time to handle things—nothing in life comes easy for me. 

I wish that when you're gone, I wouldn't have to long for your presence anymore... But I did.

And it's a shame that I did it to myself, but what can I say? If we are responsible for our own happiness, then maybe this suffering is my responsibility. I have known woe, but nothing was ever as great as this one.

I did not regret what I choose, and I did not hate you. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for sticking out with me after all that I've done to you.

I would be yours in another life. It could be someday, but for now let me figure things out by myself. Because you deserve the me that's ready for you, not the me who's still working her way into someone you would like to be with.

So with my best, I bid you adieu. Someone out there is going to love you better than I ever will, just like someone someday will love me without me always having the intention to hurt him. 

I wish you the perfect gardens with blooming roses and ripening apples, and the blue sky and the charming chirping of birds. I wish you love and I wish you joy. I wish you happiness and the knowledge that I too, love you.

Breakfast Like Champions

I don't like to brag (or I do), but, this past week was an overwhelmingly beautiful series of days. It's always a beautiful day (or in my actual case, night) when you found out that the people who regularly hang out with you actually have the ability to do something you never thought you could've done; not now, and not in a million years. So, sure, it's a lot of things I didn't expect, but it's also the things that I knew were possible; because each one of us has the potential and the power to surprise ourselves, and I believe in that power to eventually come out, because surprising yourself is such a noble thing to do, and because that is what you deserve. Surprise yourself. And others too, sometimes.

Why am I posting this news? Because it was a night to remember. Congratulations to us all, my pals who will always be loud.