Race Equality

Over the weekend, everyone in the world is celebrating the 5-4 ruling for marriage equality by the Supreme Court of the United States of America. It was a big win, because even though several countries around the world has recognised gay rights way ahead of SCOTUS, no other countries have claimed to be a free country more than the Uncle Sam himself. This weekend, basically, #lovewins.

Even though marriage equality is still pretty much a long shot in my home country, I have to say that I do support gay rights. I think that people shouldn't have to be forbidden from marrying people that they love, and that the law doesn't have to go hand-in-hand with anyone's religious values. The truth is, even though I am quiet religious, I believe that people need to shove their religious values up their own butts and keep it to themselves.

However, there are many other equality issues that were overlooked in this very weekend. Gender equality. Equalities that have something to do with disabilities. With race. The truth is, perhaps, like almost half of America as mirrored by the number of judges voting "No" to marriage equality, the world is still not ready for equality. It might even be possible that we are not created equal. Some are better than the other. After all, we did come from a majority of patriarchal cultures.

But let's talk about race, for instance

Seeing all of these equality issues buzzing before me, I can't help but reflect on who I really am and the boxes that I will be put into should all of these issues remain a utopia. I am a pure blood Malay race who still live in the land that belonged to my ancestors. In fact, my race inhabits most of the areas in the country and are the majority every where you go in the archipelago. Like many other Malayans, I have tawny skin and black hair and average height. I'm Muslim, and I consider myself to be moderately religious with libertarian preferences. Does that speak anything about me? Well, in this wild, wild world, of course it does.

I work in an environment where, strangely enough, I was the minority. Things are different outside of this office though, sure, but right here, I'm the minority. I have found myself in numerous meetings where I was the only one without light, yellow skin and small eyes and an Eastern Asian-style last names. I have dined in a table where everyone was happy to order pork while I have to convince myself that it's okay to eat as long as I only have the salad. My bosses are all of the same race. They were all male, and that's only acceptable because it's man's man's world (still). I don't think that it really necessarily means that they are smarter or work harder than the rest who did not fulfill that criteria, but, who am I to say? I'm not the boss. Yet.

My country did not have a beautiful history about racial equality. There had always been some kind of discrimination. It's probably something that was rooted from the fact that we were not exposed to much diversity from early on, that even when the laws that work in different ways for certain groups of people have been cleared, we are still living in fear of other races, and perhaps even worse, ethnicity. The fact that racial equality is an even more sensitive issue than marriage equality is a jarring truth, and it seems that the law wants people to do it not in writing. It's like saying, Well, the truth is, people were born racists. I guess there's a truth in there, yes. But there's a difference in being a racist and not giving people the opportunity in spite of their color. I guess I don't mind the former, but I actually mind the latter. The former is being conservative, while the latter is being a plain jerk.

The truth of the matter is, people are all the same in the world. With only very small number of deviation, we're all made from the same flesh and bones. Our blood is red, and we were built from the same tissues. Our biological systems work in the same manners. We are all 72% water. We bleed. We were all born from someone. Discrimination over someone's race is something that I believe is a form of injustice. It is not a First World Problem. It is a World Problem. And I am ashamed that, two years ago, when I had the chance to speak in front of hundreds of students about indigenous rights, I thought it was a problem that only countries with racial issues would understand, but it's not. I don't think I have ever been more unwise than I was in that very forum.

Am I writing this post to be furious about the world that we live in? Or am I writing this just to understand my situation better? I'm not sure which one is my true intention, but earlier, I thought that all of racial discrimination is a historical injustice that we still suffer because God knows why. I know that there's not a lot that we can do, because, if being a racist is a God-given basic instinct that everyone was born with, what can we do? However, I believe that by knowing that everyone was created equally, and how colors are skin deep and physical features are only as deep as the eyes can see, we can help to make the world a more comfortable place. A place that we can be proud to call home and introduce to our offspring. A place where we're not constantly dreaming of another place that can accommodate our wishes and aspirations.

With/out Recourse

Too often, life is more of a multiple choice than an essay test. We don't always have to explain ourselves, but we do have to constantly choose between things. I believe we are the sum of the choices we made, and things that happened to us, are the results of them and it's really the only thing that can happen in our lives. So, take your pick. Make peace with your own choices. No regrets. Because there may not be a parallel universe. Because life without a series of "what ifs" would be so much better. 

Myth

I feel like men are more romantic than women.  When we get married we marry one girl. Cause we’re resistent the whole way, until we meet one girl and we think: “I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great.” But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option or something. I know girls that married they’re like: “Oh he’s got a good job.” I mean, they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around.

When we were little, we were told all these fairy tales of how a beautiful, kind and pure girl would fall in love with a handsome, rich prince charming who owns a castle and they will live happily ever after in a faraway land. But not only do happily ever afters don't exist, so is the kind of story they keep telling us as bedtime stories.

In real life, there is only very few people would fall in love with someone's voice the way Phillip fell for Aurora. No one is going to have the kind of love at first sight Marius had with Cosette. And there are so many other beautiful ways about falling in love that movies and fairy tales tried to make us believe, but they're ridiculously impractical to the point of them almost being completely impossible.

Very recently, I had an epiphany. Maybe there's no love. Maybe people get married out of the commitment to build a life, a traditions our ancestors did to sustain human life, and that alone is the reason why there's marriage in this world. Maybe people don't fall in love; they fall in logic or whatever it is that drives them toward someone. Some people like money, fancy cars, bright future, career, social status, or someone's lifestyle... And maybe they are the things that make marriages more sustainable. Because only very few people fall in love with the right person. But the definition of right will always change to suit someone's perception of life. So I guess it's something other than love that takes people to get married.

My view in marriage is somewhat very... modern, I suppose? That's what Before Midnight say anyway. I believe that every couples have an expiration, because love does. Only very, very few people found someone that they can fall in love with every day for the rest of their lives. And those who didn't, well... They live out of commitments. Marriage is a vow people say in the name of God and in front of God, and therefore it is a very sacred institution that should never be broken with words such as, "I fall out of love with him."

By that definition, I think that maybe we marry someone who has the same vision with us; the same commitment, i.e. someone whose actions and missions are tolerable and in harmony with ours, and whom we will never run out of patience with. I grew up with the belief that love isn't the holy grail of relationships; it's commitment. Someone said to me a few years ago something the 18-year-old me had never thought of: "Commitment is a very big thing, you know? You graduate school, you take a decent job, you marry someone you like, and that's what you're gonna end up with forever. A job that you must do every day; the same person you're gonna wake up to every morning for the rest of your life; the same house you're gonna go home to every day; children you have to feed and educate and has the needs you have to fulfill... It's a grand job, you know? And you have to do it every single day of your life. You have no other choice. That is a commitment. You think commitment is easy?"

I know, it's such a morose essay and my last post before this one is an optimistic quote to remind us all that sometimes, life does imitate Disney movies. And while it is your life to live it any way you want to, with the kind of buoyancy my last post gave you, or the grimy truth I just told you, I want you to always keep in mind that after all... It's your life. No one has the same story. Just because you have a good life doesn't mean someone else does, and vice versa. So maybe the best that we can do is still to believe that if we are good, we deserve good things too. And if they're not here yet, maybe the package just come in late. 

A Thought List

1. Strangers are weird. Most of the time they teach you without talking, that the society is shit and no one seems to be up to fix it. Sometimes they make the best conversations I could ever remember, even without knowing their names. And sometimes they could do the simple things they thought mean nothing, when in fact it touches the very soul of someone who's never seen it done with such voluntary notions. Some of them have the power to make you think, and the power to remind you that no matter how ugly the real world is, there is still some kindness and some faith worth investing in people. Well, some people, maybe. I'm not saying we're allowed to be naive, no. I'm saying that it's okay to let our guards down sometimes. It's okay to let people talk to you and trust them a little bit; a trust that they won't rob you and left you somewhere in the highway. Because life without trust is so uncomfortable, you know? Life without trust keeps you in constant worry, never-ending restlessness and a mind filled with so many "what if?" "why?" "how?" and other questions you shouldn't punish yourself with. After all, there wouldn't be a Before Sunrise trilogy if Richard Linklater hadn't talked to a mesmerizing stranger on his way to Philadelphia some decades ago. 

2. We need to stop playing God. Seriously. I mean, the only way it's okay for us to play God is by writing fiction; that way we can do whatever we want with it. Literally whatever. Seriously, stop playing God. God doesn't play mortals either. He could if He wanted to, but can you imagine what would happen if He does?

3. I can never be with someone who doesn't like The Beatles. There, I've even settled for like. I refuse to admit that I know someone who doesn't even know who John Lennon is, or what he looked like. 

4. Jodoh has an expiration date. I'm not talking in the context of soul mate, because who even has the right to talk about it, really? Do we have the right to talk about what we will never know until we take our last breath in this world? But I'm talking about the jodoh terminology Indonesian people use to say to people or thing that are "meant to be". I don't know if you'd understand, but they do. You know, how you get to know people, become friends or lovers with them, and so on? It's because you're meant to be. And when things end, it's not because you weren't meant to be; it's merely because you've come to the expiration date that's always there. I don't know if it's because your star crossed with them but then they keep revolving in a different harmony with you, because for me, the simplest explanation would be an expiration date. Heck, even the old couples who've been together for 70 years have it too. It's just different for everybody. When things fail, instead of saying how you're not meant to be, our definition of it should be rendered into, "Ya memang cuma segini aja jodohnya." 

5. Why point #4? Because God never made a mistake. When He sent someone to come into our lives, He'd know what they'd become to us. A blessing, or a lesson. Sometimes a blessing, then a lesson. But thankfully, it's usually the other way around.

6. I've been mentioning God in this post is not because I just recently found God and become religious etc. I don't really have an answer to this, because I was never necessarily religious in any context. I usually claim myself as being spiritual, while at the same time always coming back to the same religion. One thing I know for sure is that it's always nice to have God. Just like trust and faith aforementioned in point #1, knowing that there is God would make life seems to be more comfortable. And easier.

7. Don't wear your heart on your sleeves. I used to encourage some people to do it, and now they do it in the most annoying way possible. What's too much is never good. Even too much love is gonna kill you. Alright, do it. Wear your heart on your sleeves. But always remember to leave something for you. Don't let people know everything. Only very few people really care. Others are just curious. True story.

8. Feminism is an -ism that even most women don't want to believe in. It used to be a heroic movement for women because it's a man's man's world after all. But feminism is now more like a doctrine men made to make fun of the women and make women hate themselves. I'm not a feminist. I believe in a lot of women's rights and women emancipation and blah blah, but women have to admit that they don't always demand gender equality. Because it's always nice to, once in a while, be treated the way women should be treated. Dare any lady say no about this?

9. Not knowing is always a gift. And bravery is always a rewarding act. 

The Thing With Second Chances

Do you believe in second chances?

I have been asking this question to far so many people in my life, and the answers should have made me re-think my inability to believe in it the way majority of people do.

I don't believe in second chances. The reason why would be way too personal to explain here, but just to make it clear, I don't. I think second chances are overrated, and it's just an excuse for someone to blew the first one. At the end of the day, it's the one who had to give the second chance that would have to believe once again, without an guarantee that they won't get their trusts broken again.

Don't be a bitch. What if you're the one who needs the second chance?

Maybe it's because that I haven't really been thrown in that position so far, but when I think I do, I wouldn't ask for it. Because I know what it feels like to be the one to give it away, and it didn't go so smooth. So when I blew my chance, when I know that I messed up... I forgive myself. I forgive myself for doing them, for losing the chance, and make it start to find another chance that I wouldn't blew. Forgiving myself is hard, but forgiveness is a favor we do for others and ourselves. I believe in forgiving people, because I think people need to be forgiven so that they'd be free, while my happiness is my own responsibility. If I can forgive myself, that is how I know that my happiness isn't depending on someone else's life.

But very recently I have just learned something important. You can call this thing berkah ramadhan because this is where I'm trying to re-think every judgements I've made towards second chance. I looked at my old man today, the man whose wisdom has gone around for half a century, and I learned that second chances are not overrated. It's me who's underrated it. Second chances can happen; if only you can be very, very, patient, and believe in it enough, and wanting for it enough, then it can happen. It's a hard road, rough and bumpy... but it's possible to happen. 

And the prize is going to be worth it.

Happiness is an Underrated Word

When I was younger and emo—as in, a state of mind rather than sense of style/music/etc—I have this peculiar idea that turns out every single adolescent out there have had in mind, at least at point of their young lives: die young. There is something about adolescence that led us to think that dying young is nice; it's simpler, it's a shortcut to a more peaceful place, etc. And let's not forget some agent provocateurs who isn't necessarily pro life and promote short lives instead. I'm not talking about feeling suicidal here, it's a completely different issue because being suicidal is a much deeper and darker place that I have no rights to talk about. It's just about having that idea, you know? The idea that dying young would make everything easier.

Trust me, I've been there. So when I talk about this, even though I don't know each one of your problems that are probably even harder than mine, I actually know what it feels like. Oh sure, miss smartypants, it's always easier to say than done. I know that too. I know exactly by heart that saying is easier than doing. But let me just talk about it. For once. Because I've come from that place too, even though you won't believe it, but I did. I just don't live there anymore.

Let me tell you something. Chances are, when you are thinking that, it's only because you're sad. Because when you're sad, you see no ending to that sadness that you're feeling. People always say that the storm will pass, but when you're in middle of it, you don't know if it will; you can't see how it will end. But it will, eventually. When you finally feel happy again, you'd wonder why. Why would you think that dying young is happiness? There is still so much happiness to see in this life, that you haven't seen. I always remember the saying that just in time when you think you've seen it all, life can still surprises you. And I may not have seen so much, but I know it's true.

Here is how I view life: It's suffering. Sure, it sounds too philosophical and what are you, Plato? But life is suffering. We are all meant to suffer the entire time of our lives. Being sad is easy. It is so, so, easy. Trust me. Life can throw you so many bricks and you'll bleed. It is inevitable. But when life throws you bricks, but you can still get up and smile as if you've been hit by nothing, that is a choice. That is a brave choice. A very, very brave and strong choice. You may bleed all over the places you've been hit, but to still get up and smile, it's your choice. Bleeding, on the other hand, is not a choice. Do you see my point here?

Happiness is a choice. It is a brave choice. And people who live a long life; that old man at 92 who lives in his wheelchair and can still sing karaoke at old people gatherings, they are the bravest people that we should always look up to. At 92, pretty sure he's seen everything: the war, the ups and downs of a career, of his commitment to his family of wife and children, the rough times of getting his heart broken by disappointments in life that is just unavoidable, he's seen the worst. No one in their 20s should say that the old man has never gone through what they feel because he sure had, just maybe a different story, and a different era. And after losing so much, he would tell us, the ungrateful youth who think dying young is better, that having thought so is a disrespect to the people who actually lived a short life. Because we have so many choices. We can choose how we live our lives, we can choose to be happy, and we can even choose to end ourselves though it's highly not recommended. But people who die young—and lets not forget the unborn babies—they didn't have a choice. They weren't as lucky.

Because to live longer means that you have a chance to do more mistakes and learn from them; and then to fix them. How many of us ever thinking about fixing our mistakes? People make mistake everyday, even when you think you've had an easy day and everything was going smooth. But how many would actually try to fix those mistakes? How many actually have a chance to do so?

So, happiness is hard. It takes courage; a courage to choose, a courage to move past the  things that have let us down either we did it ourselves or not, and a courage to see the beauty of life past all of the concrete sufferings in life. A courage to believe that beyond all the misery, there is a prize worth living and fighting for. That is happiness. We always take it for granted, as if it was promised or as if it will come without us having to pursue it. But it's not. We choose it. We... strive for it. We work every day in our lives to get that happiness, even when we know how fleeting is could be.

Not choosing is a brave act too, I always remember that. But when you don't choose, eventually life will chooses you, and so your life is built on things that you didn't really want. The choices we made define us. We are defined by them, because that is how we want to live our lives. So if you don't choose, life will defines you. You will be defined by your own life, which isn't such a nice thing. But like I said, we have choices. We can choose to take that choice or leave it to life, because we're not ready to deal with the risks later; because we're not ready to find out that we did it to ourselves. We can always choose to be what kind of person we want to be, and what kind of life we want to live.

And I choose to be happy. Because it is a brave act, and because I'd rather be my own hero than waiting for someone to save me from myself. 

Further reading: The Things Happy People Know by Brianna Wiest

Hate is a Strong Word

The opposite of hate is probably love, but love is not even a word as strong as its counterpart.

I don't hate people who make their way around being snobbish. I don't hate people who lie. I don't hate people who play dirty. And I don't always hate people who treat me wrong.

I hate people who make me feel bad about myself. And those who make me treat myself badly.

I know this person who was once in the position to be considered my friend. We were friends, not necessarily good friends, but friends nonetheless. One day, I made the mistake of agreeing to get involved with this person even further; the mistake that I never plan to take but did anyway. And time after time, I grew tired of their antiques. It was not until then that I realized I was not made to be friends with them. I was not even made to tolerate them, because they are just horrible, and I might also come off as being detestable to them. It was a lose-lose situation. And we were just stuck. There was no way of turning back, as there was also no way of stopping in the middle of the road. It was basically a nightmare for each of us. That's when I realize that I hate this person. Hate is a strong word, but I feel like there should be a stronger word I could use to explain how I feel.

Hate corrupted my soul, my life, my entire being. Hate consumed all the cheeriness and the good in me. When I think about the time I had to spend with that person, I see a terrible person. I became such a terrible person, someone that I can't be proud of... Someone that doesn't even look like me. Emotionally speaking, I was a monster. I was not me. I may not be such a nice person in general, but back then I was horrible. How many times do I have to say that? And I hate myself. I lost respect in myself and I couldn't think of a better day. It was almost like going to fight in a war with myself, in which I cannot win. I hate myself, and for that I hate that person entirely.

That person didn't treat me badly, no. Yes, they were kind of a jerk, but who isn't? We were all born a little bit of a jerk and a bitch inside. But they were just bad for me, that's all. Not everyone was made for you just as much as you weren't made for everyone. This is why they say someone isn't bad for you because of the way they treated you, but more for the way they make you feel about yourself. 

So here's my point in case I confuse you with my writing: Hate is necessary. Sometimes. But it is bad for you. Here's the catch: heroin and morphines are also bad for you, and yet doctors still inject it into you when you most need it. So, it's not always bad, you know? You could use the emotion. As long as you keep it to the healthy amount, it's good for you. As of for me, I only let it go as far as to the people who make me feel bad about myself. Your life isn't some punk rock music. You don't have to scream hatred every where you go. But your hate towards someone can teach you that you know better of yourself. You can choose what (or who) is good or bad for you. You are big enough to be selective of what worth keeping in your life and what not. And at the end of the day, you can be genuinely thankful of the people who make you feel loved; people who don't make you feel worthless or stupid or simply ugly. You deserve to always feel good, at least about yourself.

To be comfortable in pain

You cannot waste your youth just sitting in a room scrolling on Tumblr, because it's not worth it. I learned that now. You need to get out there, each of every day, and see what life has to do to you. Like take your handbag away from you, for example. Or make you yell right on your friend's nose because you're just so mad and stressed and disappointed. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I'm just bored, and writing is always the best thing I can do. It prevents me from drinking, smoking, or calling people by the names. It reduces the amount of bad karma that I get from excessive amount of gossiping and swearing. Life is supposed to make you feel.

This is my definition of a new year. The biggest task I gotta do is done, I cut my hair off and I lost so much things all in five days. It's a lot to feel, and I just cannot feel more alive. Yes, I'm sad and happy and miserable and weak, but I know I'm alive.

“But I don’t believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or to make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel.”

—	Gloria Naylor

This time listen to Nathan

Happy new year, fellas! I know this is the time for your hopes to get higher than weeds and for your dreams to be made true like Disney tried to brainwash you. But what if your hopes and dreams have been long gone, and what's left now is merely scattered leftovers of those that mattered? I know, and I've been there (I'm there...) So this is what you need to keep hold on to this year:

"The people I admire are the people that carve a life for themselves after their dream dies."

Nathan Scott, One Tree Hill

Survive a new year, my love. Adieu for now.

I kinda hate myself, too

2011 was a rough year for me. Sure, I had a lot of fun, and at least I didn't have to lay in bed for one month due to typhus, but there was just so much drama and dilemma and problem and stuffs that I just can't mention it. Stuffs that unfortunately now I know what it feels like. I can remember every single bitter truths that happen, and I just do, even though I wish I don't. This year made me too busy to even think of a resolution for 2012. There was a lot of sweat and energy used to make this one of my most productive years so far, but I grew tired from it. The only thing that makes me happy about this new year is that, lots of people come and go, but I still have a bunch of people who stay and they're the ones who made me get out of these things alive. I'm really thankful that I didn't have to do it all alone. I'm also thankful that I feel like I have made a huge deal with my insecurities because they're probably still around here somewhere, but I'm getting better at handling it day by day, just like I feel like my dramas made me grow up a little bit more each day. I learned a lot about myself as I'm turning 18, and most of the facts make me sad, but at least I know there are some people who still love me despite my characteristics that make myself sad. I guess what I have to learn for next year is that I cannot be the one who look down on myself; it's one thing to be modest and down-to-earth, but it's another thing to always feel small among others and make myself hate myself. I spent a lot of my times in 2011 thinking about the one that got away, about what could have been if, and I look outside the window almost all the time, wondering what I would've done if I weren't here... wondering if I could do it in another life.

Anyway, let the past be the past. This year's problems didn't kill you? Well, you know you're fine.

Happy new year, fellas. I know you're gonna enjoy it.

Survive A New Year!

Well, sometimes cynicism works

Sandra Bullock Doesn't Talk Bollocks

This is instant example of what I said being 'full of compliment'. I guess getting Razzie one night and an Oscar the next five seconds really does teach Sandra something.

P.S. She looks really good in Marchesa.

Did I really earn this or did I just wear you all down? I would like to thank the Academy for allowing me in the last month to have the most incredible ride with rooms full of artists that I see tonight and that I've worked with before and I hope to work with in the future, who inspire me and blaze trails for us. Four of them that I've fallen deeply in love with I share this night with and I share this award with.

Gabby, I love you so much. You are exquisite. You are beyond words to me. Carey, your grace and your elegance and your beauty and your talent makes me sick. Helen, I feel like we are family through family and I don't have the words to express just what I think of you. And Meryl, you know what I think of you and you are such a good kisser.

Not enough time, so I would like to thank what this film is about for me which are the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from. Those moms and parents never get thanked. I, in particular, failed to thank one. So... if I can take this moment to thank Helga B. for not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18 because she was right. I would've done what she said I was gonna do. For making me practice every day when I got home. Piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist, you had to practice every day, and for reminding her daughters that there's no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So, to that trailblazer, who allowed me to have that. And this. And this. I thank you so much for this opportunity that I share with these extraordinary women and my lover Meryl Streep. Thank you.

Click here to watch the speech

Twitter Rule

When you wanna say something, you have to really mean it. This is not kindergarten anymore. You can't say something just because you have to, or someone force you to. Don't RT a happy birthday wish, or a sympathetic tweet, or a thank you note, or a congratulation sayings. Be sincere. Be kind. Because as I grow older, I stop admiring intelligent people, there's a bunch of them just in my school. But kind people, they're really rare. Try complimenting people. Because no matter what, compliments make people feel better. Like that Japanese proverb, one kind word can warm the whole winter

Scissors Sisters

summer 2009, Disneyland Hong Kong, Fireworks Display

My second sister gave me an envelope this afternoon right when I got home and said it was part of her assignment. It was a nice, mini pink envelope written in blue marker: "Dearest my little big sister". She was in the bathroom when I read it, and, what a surprise. It was a letter.

Dearest Nduti...

Hey ma' man!!!

Makasih yah udah jadi tempat sampah gue buat ngeluarin semua uneg-uneg gue. Maaf yah udah nyuruh-nyuruh elo terus. Tapi gue sayang kok sama elo. More than myself, sometimes.

Dan, be happy yeah... even when you get a headache with your math. I will always beside kok. Eng... even I would tell you that I'm not gonna miss you. You know that's a lie. And when I told you that you're a bitch, I never meant it.

Seneng deh, waktu elo tau kalo gue lagi BT atau bad mood, and you're acting silly like, "Kakaaaaaak.... lagi sedih yah?" I always laughed. Dan itu selalu bisa membuat gue gembira. elo itu kayak cookie dough di kala ngerjain tugas. emm... enak!!!

Elo itu kebanggan keluarga, ndut. Dan terlebih kebanggaan gue. Karena elo memberi gue kesempatan ngerasain punya adek yang ngebuat gue dan keluarga gue bahagia.

"Wherever you are, you will always be the one that I miss, because you are the one who makes my life worth it"

thank you honey... love you always

xoxo, your sister

I broke some tears of joy at that very second. I mean, you see, the very essence of life's happiness is in those small things like giving compliments to people, or telling them brutally honestly what you think they are instead of what you think they are not. She said that is the purpose of this assignment too, it's the secret of happiness. It works for everyone who has a heart, you know, telling them what they mean for you, because nobody was born with no purpose. What a very good education she gets in college. See, this is why I'm proud my sister is taking psychology major. I know, she had no intention to do it at first because she originally wanted to attend meds school, but you see, you can't get a "secret of happiness" letter if your sibling is majoring in medical or technology, they don't make these kind of stuffs. Some people are so proud their brothers or sisters make it to meds school, technological institutes or so on. But me, well, I don't need my sisters to be so clever. As long as they're my sisters (and sisters kinda have to love each other)I guess everything's cool.

P.S. She said she broke some tears too while writing it. hahahahaha

Thank you, sister!

Pictures of You

It was Dela's birthday dinner on Saturday, which, to me, feels more like a good reunion with my best mates from junior high.

Birthday girl in the middle!

I really wanna make this post like a long, sentimental essay about them but I would bore you to death. But you know what? I don't care. I'm still gonna write it the way I want it to appear. If you look at the picture, you see that I don't look as if I'm in a party nor a private dinner. I didn't even put on make ups. I'm sorry hahaha that's just moi

Wulan, Nabilla, moi, Nesha

Me, Nabilla, Nesha, Wulan and Dela were best mates in 9th grade. We were all in the same class and we kind of hung out together a lot either at school or somewhat, outside. We had so much fun back then, ups and downs..... until then graduation came and we kind of grew apart. Nabilla goes to the same school as Dela and Wulan (and Pungky, but she's not pictured here since she couldn't make it to the dinner) but me and Nesha took another way. The way I see it, it's ironic. Nesha and I played Peyton and Brooke as in One Tree Hill (we're maniacs, I told you). Brooke and Peyton had always found a way to keep solid, and life as best friends is so easy since they live in a fictional small town. Tons of sad songs in your life wiped away just by stopping by Peyton's place, a short but smart talk and a big hug. But you see, the last time I met her was more than a year ago. We live in the same town but it's not small. Life isn't the same as on TV.

Brooke Davis and Peyton Sawyer! Hahahahaha

What surprises me the most is the fact that I kind of feel like I was facing a mirror when I met Nesha! (hahaha no, not physically, you might don't even wanna physically look like me hahahahahahaha) Not only because we REALLY love One Tree Hill and Sophia Bush but also because WE LOVE MILEY CYRUS and WE HATE SELENA GOMEZ. I should probably ask her more if she hates Twilight and Robsten too hahahahaha. We write blogs, yeah. Go check hers out! It's so charming, and it's just what she is. These 4 girls are very true to themselves, not every girls can be. Some girls wanna act like saints, but they're just what they are. They keep it real and true. The whole night we talked about One Tree Hill, our purses (which was the prototype of my dream Chanel purse. She said we're taking baby steps and price-wise, I'm in the first of 40 steps. Hahahahahahahaha), college, junior high moments..... you know, it's fascinating how she still remembers some of the talks we had. I never seen someone like that before. She wrote that in her diary. I mean, I write diaries too but I didn't take it that as far as writing conversations (yeah, once. with my crush). Oh, and about this guy who was dating her friend. This guy was....... the same guy who worth my tears :"((((((( well not anymore though. Anyway, she reminds me of something that really draw my feeling today:

The truth is, I don't really like to think about college. Cause that means high school's over. 
After graduation, everyone will probably go play basketball. Or sing or start record labels, -and I'll have to start all over. Alone. I'm sure I'll be fine. But like I said, I don't like to think about it.

Brooke Davis

Pretty girls. Hahahahahahahaha

Nabilla came kind of really late and that frustrates me at first because she wasn't on time. When I called her she was busy looking for a bakery just to buy herself some bread. Duh. I tried to dress up quiet nice because she wanted to introduce me to her (soon to be) boyfriend, too bad he couldn't make it that night.

If there's one thing I can learn from that night, it's that you CAN'T tell if someone's your best friend before you've been through enough. Like, how long have you known each other? You can't call someone who's just become your close friend for two months as your BFF. Remember that the last F stands for FOREVER and the term of forever is huge. It's complicated, sometimes scary. Or, how long have you lost contact with them and when you meet again you still feel the same chemistry as before? I suck in keeping old friends, and I'm just such a lucky bastard for having them. I just hope I could learn my "keeping old friends" skill as I'm graduating high school really soon. Oh, and also very important, have you gone to different schools? Have you gone through some limits, like, you can only go to some certain places which they can't go? I'm not saying we are the BFF but I just want y'all to know, you can't be best friends with just about anyone who came into your life without knowing what they will do to you in the long run.

B. Davis, P. Sawyer

wait, so who are these? hahahaha

All of a sudden I miss everyone...........................

This is not easy anymore

I don't know if you've been this weird, but I had it now. The reason why I made a blog is not because it's a trend. you can check the day I first write in this page, it's way before everyone start making a blog (and some just ignore it as if they don't have one now. trashy) Okay, so, the real reason is because I'm better to express something in writing. They said I have this facial expression that helps to express just about anything I need but no. Facial expression doesn't help. saying something you need to say in front of someone you wanna blame is not easy. so the first aim from this blog is to get someone to read my anger. I have a very unstable anger, you know, I might don't need anger management like Naomi Campbell but I do. My anger is so destructive somehow and it didn't took a psychiatrist to make me seek for an escape myself. That's why I made a blog. I had no problem even if zero person visiting this page, or there's no comments left, or there's no picture and people get bored. My biggest mistake was putting this page's URL on my Facebook page. In Facebook, I always try to control what I write or what I do, because I know EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD (sadly not someone I really wished he has), those whom I wanna share my life or those whom I wanna kick ass, have facebook and they could stalk me, be a part of my life and whatsoever. But that's not what I wanna do with my blog. I don't wanna be controlled for what I'm gonna do with this. I don't use Facebook a lot anymore. I was considering about deleting my account but when I think about it again, hey, why deleting, pretending to be cool? Facebook helps me connect with so many people (whom I want or not want to), my old friends or those who live overseas, share photos (I don't feel the urge to bring the digicam anymore), be invited to parties, or the most evilish thing is: stalking the life of people. as I wrote way before now, we know if someone is brokenhearted just by internet. Pain is no longer the thing you keep for yourself and your best friend, but also for thousands of your Facebook friends. Okay, back to the whole blog things, I just wanna say that it's no longer what I want. When I realized that some of the best people in my life are reading this, I felt honored and so thankful, especially if they have good feedback for me, no matter how untrue. But then, now what happens? I feel so confused about what to write, because I'm afraid a few people who read this would be offended, or not pleased, or it would unsafe for my private life (I sound like a celebrity? well, you don't know....) I sometimes get so stuck, and shallow and pretty damn lame. Like, I think about, "What if my uncle read this?" or, "What if my blahblah friends read this?" even, "No, my sisters don't have to know about this. because she will read this. who knows?" Same thing for Twitter, actually. and Twitter is actuallly even worse. I don't feel comfortable anymore, not because 416 accounts which is now following me, but for some people who can get free access to my life via Twitter. My tweets became so shallow now, because I don't want people to be offended, or people to offend me. We can say, "Oh, screw it. Fuck it, I don't give a fuck about what people say about me." But we can't deny that it hurts. I've seen people chaffed about each other, and that's rude. Or those fucking exhibitionists who show all things in their life off. Come on, we're all attention whore but don't get too much! There's a thin line between attention whore and exhibitionist in Twitverse but see, Twitter looks more like bitchfest nowadays, as people start to populate it. I remember of all 300 accounts in my MSN, there was only one friend who have Twitter and therefore I was the second. It was so free, I could tweet everything I want. Now there are plenty and they are now twitter whore. I never wanna unfollow someone but please stop. You are annoying. 

I love you, I think we're supposed to love each other

I Am Mock-ingbird

I loathe some specific kind of people and therefore I could be such a mock-ingbird.For now, I would think of people who try their ass to look as if they are rich and can do or simply just get whatever they want. Because there’s no such a thing. If you got no money, you got no money so don’t pretend as if you can eat around, order fancy food or simply just do what they want.Like, you have to owe someone just so that you can buy a Starbucks or have a hair treatment at the saloon? or maybe, you have to BEG to some people so that they can pay your meal?I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but people will accept you just the way you are. If your friends ask you to have lunch, that’s because they can afford their own meal, and if you know you can’t, just say no, or, well, order something you can. You can just order some water if you really have to stay in the circle!Do not follow trends if it’ll kill you. Do you really need an expensive thing to look rich?

YES?

Then congratulations. you are who you are.

 MIDDLE CLASS.

 Those two behaviors are so middle class. You don’t need to owe. Or beg. You’re not a begger, are you? Just be true about who you are. People would understand. Fuck prestige, fuck friendship. You might lose someone’s trust just because you have to owe them MONEY.