One Sunday Morning

I look down through my window that particular morning, and this is what I see. I cannot say more than "I love you."

To be comfortable in pain

You cannot waste your youth just sitting in a room scrolling on Tumblr, because it's not worth it. I learned that now. You need to get out there, each of every day, and see what life has to do to you. Like take your handbag away from you, for example. Or make you yell right on your friend's nose because you're just so mad and stressed and disappointed. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I'm just bored, and writing is always the best thing I can do. It prevents me from drinking, smoking, or calling people by the names. It reduces the amount of bad karma that I get from excessive amount of gossiping and swearing. Life is supposed to make you feel.

This is my definition of a new year. The biggest task I gotta do is done, I cut my hair off and I lost so much things all in five days. It's a lot to feel, and I just cannot feel more alive. Yes, I'm sad and happy and miserable and weak, but I know I'm alive.

“But I don’t believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or to make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel.”

—	Gloria Naylor

Objection, Your Honor

There have been so many works to do lately that led me to reading a lot of stuffs from local law offices in Jakarta. And I have been reading some of my posts in the last 1,5 half year and when I compared it to my college friends' tweets, I kind of... you know, feel so shallow somehow. I know I'm a deeply superficial self, but sometimes (pretending) to be deep is important... so that people would take you seriously. I haven't been a fanatic of the fact that I went to law school and that when I watch the news I can make a little opinion about how stupid people can be, no, never. I haven't been genuinely proud of it, to say the least. I don't like the law... except for Jude Law, that is. But I know some of my friends who will read this is going through the same path as I do, and after a little research (that I was pushed to do due for work) I decided that I will defend what is our fate at least for now, which is something called Indonesian law school.(This is my way of doing my new year resolution, actually. I wanted to stop feeling like what I have is not good enough---worse that other people's, even. But I tried to open my eyes and put things on perspective and all I can see is... heck, other people have their own insecurities too. Not everyone is so happy with what they have, so don't get mainstream, be an opportunist by thinking that what I have is much better than theirs.) Which means I wouldn't explicitly say that I'm not proud of it; not happy about it; not gonna be a lawyer and all that stuff. Instead, what I'm trying to say is this: Hey, it's not that bad.

It's true. After some research, if you're competitive and a bit lucky, even if it's here in this country, you will get a job that pays the bill. Every kind of bill imaginable---or the ones that don't, even. One day, after spending half of your lifetime worrying about cases that aren't yours and manipulating unfortunate people, you will be able to afford a walk-in closet full of Manolos just like Carrie Bradshaw's or to go play golf with your colleagues in China regularly (this is a true story, by the way). And guess what? You don't have to work on jobs that could have cost you your personal safety... or life, like in an offshore oil drilling, for instance. Well, you won't be able to see your family a lot too, but at least you don't risk of losing an eyeball (this is also a true story). Along with those capitalist bankers, you are most likely to be blamed for a nation's failure, but you see, it's not true. It's not the lawyers to be blamed, it's the politician. It's probably just a coincidence that most politicians have a lawyering background, but if you ever studied something about both of them, you'll see they're like sisters from different fathers. One day, after working so, very, very hard with lots of overtime work and pushing your limits and always wanting to win and being ruthless and heartless... you will be able to curl up in bed all day, eating soup, watching classic movies like there's nothing else to care in the world because you already have a bank account that can feed a whole village in Mozambique.