Younger, Wiser, Me

If there is one thing that I like about growing up, it is one of those moments where I realize that who I am today is the result of a younger version of me who was experiencing the growing pains and feeling feelings she had to endure so that one day she would be able to walk away from certain situations more easily than if she had not.

Today, I stumbled upon this tweet of mine from back when I was 22.

Btw, it's not only my Twitter that's full of gems from my younger days. This blog certainly has even more meaningful ones.

Look, obviously I lived through that. I can't remember precisely the exact moment when I posted that tweet and who exactly came to my mind - but I can assure you she was not exactly feeling what she thought she was feeling. She was not wrong - my guess is she just found that quote to match the background music that she was listening to, and she was enjoying it so much that she was dreaming it. I can assure you, she was not experiencing that. 

Fast forward 6 years later, her older version self read it and is able to look back at recent events and thought of how much she owed her 22-year old self for surviving her last heartbreak. She now recalls how she learned to walk away from people who only love their idea of her, but not her. Or people who love her but never made her feel loved. 

I don't know who needs to read this, or better yet, who will read it (that was never my point for writing anyway). But I want you to know that you are a loveable person. We are all a little hard to love. We are all messy and needy and have our own baggage. That's just our human experience. So it makes sense that people love you. There will be people out there who love you and people who love you. You need to know the difference. You know the difference when you realize that you have to determine your own worth. Don't settle for just about anyone who tells you they love you. If you don't feel loved, please walk away.

You should not have to convince yourself that they love you. You should just know. Because you feel it. Because they make sure that you feel it. 

The Warm Bath at the End of A Very Long Day

On January 1st 2021, I posted on my social media hoping that 2021 will be that warm bath at the end of a very long day (aka. 2020. Sigh) and lo and behold... IT WAS!

I left 2021 in a very high spirit, a very grateful mind, and just overall feeling happy. Believe me when I say that my 2021 was good - definitely one of those years where I can feel that I, myself, have grown tremenduously. The journey was not exactly easy or smooth, but I definitely enjoyed the ride. It was a very fulfilling year, and I feel mostly... content, with what I have.

A brief recap of my 2021 - it started out bumpy. I broke my phone in a friend's jacuzzi, and then, of course, I turned 28. I learned how to respect myself and my body - which led me to start my weight loss journey for the first 3 months, and as a birthday gift, I got myself HPV shots. Then work starts to pick up its pace. Not quite what it was in 2019, but definitely very different from work in 2020.

I also met my partner for the first time after over a year of daily video calls and incessant texting. Spent a month in Bali and it was heaven. It felt right. He made me do so many new, good things - things that for some reason I never feel like doing at all. With him, I feel safe and secure. With him, I feel so in love.

Then at the end of the year, I had my very first major expense - renovating my apartment. It was completed right on December 30, 2021 and took about 2 months. I've never been so broke - but so happy!

Of course there were low points in 2021 too; it will never be all rainbows and butterflies. But the highs, the achievement, the wins - they all make the lows feel worth it, if not necessary.

I feel very victorious coming out of 2021. Can't remember the last time I feel this way, but I'm grateful for everyone and everything I have in my life right now. My partner. My family. My friends and support system. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have control over the things happening in my life.