Biggest Fear

stolen from Lora Mathis

Wanderlust (I Kind of Hate Myself, Too)

Paulo Coelho's Aleph, p.11

wanderlust |ˈwändərˌləst | :  

(n) a strong desire to travel 

What do you do when you're in my position? How do you deal with yourself, the you who has lived within you forever, but was forced to remain voiceless because life demands the other you to rise and grow? What happens when that version of you wants to come out; urges you to give them one more chance, before life corrupts them and they die? I kind of hate myself for having two, or perhaps even more, souls living underneath. Everyone's been there, I'm sure, and they survived, so maybe I would too. But there's always an unspoken story of how they got through with it; how they shut out that other part of them that doesn't go harmoniously with the reality, and how they settled down and make peace with their life now. I wonder if some people never really make peace with that part of them. What happens then? Do they go mad and crazy? Which one will I be? The one who make peace, or the one who go crazy?

Before today, before... every single thing that made up what seems to be my current life now, I had a dream. It's not as noble as Martin Luther King's, but my dream was my dream. It was mine. It has nothing to do with yours, King's, or anybody else. In my dream, I was a wanderer. I traveled across Southeast Asia until I found India, and I found my way to Eastern Europe and then the Mediterranean land, and I roamed Africa, found Ghana, saw Madagascar, until a ship made me a voyage back home. I always long to be somewhere far from home, because we will never appreciate the value of our home if we never leave it. I wanna meet people. I wanna know what it feels like to have nothing to lose apart from my own body. I wanna see this world we all call home. I wanna see the untold stories, the unsung heroes, and the humanity left in this despair we call life. I wanna see the truth. Even when I know for sure that there is never an absolute truth in the world. And from there, I would decide what to make of this world: better, or worse.

But here I am today. Clutching a trophy everyone would call a victory, would sing a song for, but not finding it worth all the joy. I should be grateful; and I am. I really am. But there's a part in me wishing that I would nurture that part of me who dared to dream. There's a part of me, knowing that what I have is so much, and it's more than what I've always wanted, and God knows if I really deserve this. I'm happy. I like what I have. I am yet to see how much I'd grow to love it. (I'm quiet sure I will) But that one part of me, is silently screaming for something else. They want one more chance. Just one. One more chance, that I know I can't afford. They almost hate me now. So I kind of hate myself, too.

Mediterranean Blues

This winter marks what seems to be one of the most memorable holiday I've ever had so far. Flying to the Mediterranean part of the world and then straight to the Emirates is probably not a very popular choice among Indonesians. But I'm telling you, I would never regret taking this trip and I would never, ever think that the Europe is the only place fascinating enough to spend your vacations in.

Turkey

There's a reason why it's called the Pigeon Valley

Anyone who's been to Turkey knows that there's no place like Cappadocia. It's basically one part of paradise, leaked to the Earth, and dropped to the land of Turks in Anatolia. It's a wondrous place full of magical volcanic peaks and rich histories of the Arabs, Greeks and the Turks themselves. 

The view from the hot-air-balloon ride

Flock of birds in Cappadocia

I would recommend you to go to Turkey if you are craving for the kind of adventure that requires: a) basic body language skills (as very few people in Turkey actually speak English and the language doesn't sound anything quiet like any other languages I've heard of) and, b) lots of historical and natural touch in your trip. Turkey is very rich in history and culture as it is the melting point of East and West, of Islam and Christianity, which resulted in the majority of the country being pretty much secular these days, even though most of their names are still very Arabic. 

Ephesus, the less-maintained ancient city outside of Rome

Pamuk, in Turkish, means Cotton. Which represents the Cotton Castle quiet well.

Let's not forget Pamukkale, the famous city with its beautiful Cotton Castle. It's not a very large area, sure, but it's such a wonder how the volcanoes shaped this all-around-white landscape with some pools of natural warm water among others.

Oh, hi!

No, that's not the snow. That's what they called the calcium carbonate (now excuse me for not knowing how to put that chemically as I survived my high school chem test by writing song lyrics). The snow had just caught up with me while in Konya, as pictured below. There's nothing in Konya. The picture was taken just for the sake of the snow. Because I'm Asian that way. 

Asian tourist's MUST do

Moving on now, to the very, very famous capital city of Turkey, Istanbul. If you read Orhan Pamuk, you'll find out that he gets much of his melancholia from this city where he was born and bred, and the winter season just happened magnify that sensation. Now, I'm sure you all know that this city is divided in two parts: The Asian and The European part. And a few years from now, the Republic of Turkey will be part of the European Union, too. But what I didn't know was how very European most parts of the city is now. From the parks to the public phones and newsstands, not to mention the cobblestoned pathways and the small, relatively maze-like streets between the legendary Hagia Sophia to Grand Bazaar, they all look pretty European to my Asian eyes. My foolish brain almost thought I was somehow transported to Brussels. What's missing was the delicious 1 Euro waffles.

You probably can't see for the buildings, but even the lamps remind me of a good park in London

Now, about other things to be concerned of. Let's just say that the food in Turkey is not something that I would recommend you eating. Six days in Turkey is like a six days series of Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. I don't hate them. I'm just not fond of them. But food is all about taste anyway. Eating is part of traveling. In Turkey, it's just one part that I could not be excited about. And about the people. They have the same tendency as Italians to speak loud and with gestures. And many of them don't speak English, even just a simple 'yes' or 'thank you' wouldn't work for them. You will find that even people with the lowest paying job in Turkey would probably land a role in Indonesian FTV, and if they're lucky, as the main character. Haha. I'm not saying that they are so much more good looking than Indonesian people, but they kind of... are. Not to be worried, though. Because secretly, they are very fond of Asian people too. Apparently, they rarely see yellow-skinned people with light complexion and small, slanted eyes that according to some stories, they like to ask Asian tourists to take pictures together! Ah, human. How very similar we could be, wherever we are.

United Arab Emirates

Living in the equator most of time makes me never appreciate the power of the warmth during the day. When I first arrived in Abu Dhabi, I almost cried with so much excitement. The winter-clad Turkey made me miss the light of the sun and how warm it feels on my skin! Turkey made me so much happy, sure. But the sun in Abu Dhabi is what I really missed. It is pretty much sun-drenched but windy, so it is fairly warm without making you sweaty because the humidity is far below what we have here in Indonesia. 

Some ray of light, at last!

Okay, well, there's not a lot to see in Abu Dhabi. I like this city basically just because I missed the warm weather, and they've got so much to offer, and because I like seeing rich people's house, which is plenty here. They're so rich, they even park their yachts just outside their houses even though it's nowhere near the water!

The embossed artwork on Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque. The same pattern sits all over the walls and floors of the grand mosque

The infamous Swarovski chandelier inside the grand mosque

Other thing you need to expect when visiting Abu Dhabi and Dubai is what I'm guessing is their Arabian philosophy, that is: the more, the better. Semua yang ada di Dubai (dan Abu Dhabi) itu lebay. They're like this new intern in your office that you know could do well, but goes way beyond anyone's expectation. It's like they build and do things with steroids. But I think they put that philosophy to a good cause when they decided to build a spectacular mosque called the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque. The ornaments and details inside of the mosque is fabulous, that they sure have put the word Grand to the right use. They're also moderately Islamic, because aside of the fact that Dubai's entertainment rivals those in Vegas and Macau, they also let Non-Muslims enter this grand mosque, although not to the parts of the mosque intended for praying.

Public display of Dubai Aquarium

How lebay is Dubai? In Dubai Mall, one of the most popular shopping malls in Dubai where they practically put together every brands, every retail stores known to man, they also have the Dubai Aquarium, and put on display one of its gigantic exhibition for public. In addition to its glory, they have this thing called The Dubai Shopping Festival, where they make the stores give about 50-70% off (even to new arrivals!!) and open until about, well, 3 AM. During normal days, the mall here in Abu Dhabi and Dubai open until midnight anyway, so... 

That's Dubai Skyline for you

Okay, now, things to be concerned of. You will not find a lot of Asian tourists in many tourist attractions in UAE, because they're too busy exploring the malls (Well, it's kind of a shopping pilgrimage anyway). Instead, you will find so many English-speaking tourists whose accent ranged from American to New Zealand, and some Europeans, such as Russian and German (I can't tell if they're visiting or really expats, but since it was in Burj Khalifa so I supposed they were visiting). In fact, the majority of people living in these two major cities are expats. The indigenous people only inhabited about 20% of the population, so whenever you see men wearing tawb or women wearing abaya, chances are, they're not even Emiratis. In fact, it's easier to find a worker from Bangladesh, Philippines, sometimes even Indonesia! And don't worry about the food. Unlike in Turkey, where even finding Chinese restaurant (even people!) requires detailed search, if Arabian cuisine doesn't suit you, you still have so many choices to pick. Because both cities are very international, you won't find a problem finding KFC. Problem solved.

 It's not the Sahara. But I did wait for a little boy to come and ask me to draw him a rose, while I was fixing my broken plane.

In conclusion, do not be tricked when people ask you, Why would you travel to Turkey and UAE? What's in there? Well, it has so much to offer, like the history that the East and the West refused to tell you, or the mind-blowing greatness of Dubai that the Western world never tell you, because they don't want you to think that the Arabs have the money to pay their people to build this small country. Being on a trip should make you change your perspective. And this one, I guess, have changed the way I look at this part of Middle East that is conflict-free, and beautiful, and has the potential to rule the world.

pictures are my own

This is how I say thank you

Editor's note: In life, everything has a beginning. Even endings. So, this is the beginning of the end of my college years. I'd be lying if I said that I don't feel a hint of sadness about it, even though I'm actually very happy and grateful for this. When people come to this stage, they like to express their gratefulness, and no one can help but being a bit nostalgic about how far we've come this far. And so this, is how I do it. 

1. Mum and Dad - Words will always fail me each time I had to say something nice to you. It's probably our Indonesian roots to blame, because we really suck in expressing feelings, but this is my blog and it is in my full authority to write whatever I want, so here's one for you: Thank you. I hope what I've been struggling with in the last 3,5 years was good enough for you. I hope I make you proud. Thank you for being my mum and dad. I cannot think of a better pair of parents than you. I love you, beyond the moon, beyond the 7th heaven, and more than you would ever know. (And even that, I guess, will still be less than how much you guys love me. So, thank you)

2. My sisters - You guys taught me more than you know you did. Each one of you taught me things in different ways. We've had our ups and downs, but that's what siblings do. We've screamed and yelled at each other, but that's what sisters do. Throughout my college years I've been away from home a lot, and sometimes it's a joy, but sometimes it makes my life even more dull without you guys. I learned a lot about being an adult, and about what it means to be the baby of the family. And now I know that, we're functioning quiet well. So let's just keep it up... Let's just be sisters forever.

3. My closest friends in college - Basically the very, very great people who did so much for me. These people are great without knowing half the greatness that they are, and have the unique ability to, funnily enough, laugh at themselves. Now, let me be very particular this time. Let me review our friendship briefly, one by one, in no particular order.
- Hilda Mulyana - My sobi PK 1. Holding the record of having the most classes together with me, thank you for being always there to keep me on the track. It wasn't always easy, our classes. But having you there certainly helps me to go to class and stay awake during lecture. Thank you for being such a good listener. Thank you for always showing the simple side of things. Thank you!
- Cantika Febrisya - Oh God, where do I start???? :-) Thank you for keeping up with me since Grade 11! Thank you for getting in the same law school with me (because it would be so hard starting fresh without you). Thank you for showing me how strong and independent a girl could be. Thank you for so much of the last 3,5 years that you spent talking non-sense to me (nyampah has never been so fun!!!!) Those are not easy years for you (as you spent big chunks of it being galau) so thank you for sticking to commuting Jakarta-Depok through all this time. Thank you!
- Tika Ajeng - Thank you for understanding the fact that we went to high school together but were never introduced to one another and then become part of the same crowd all throughout college, and make it not seem weird at all. Thanks for showing me how to be kind and not annoy people (or at least know when you're being one). Thanks for making me feel home with so many Javanese words you insisted on saying as if people would understand. Thank you for being ambitious, and smart, and very wacky (yes, I just had to italic those words because you could really be one) without showing it off (because so many people do, which is sickening). Matur nuwun sanget, Mbak Tika.
- Setyaning Kartika - Ning, seriously, thank you for being part of this clique I'm in. It makes people think that I'm your kind of smart (which obviously I'm not). Thank you for being the distinct one of the group, so that I know that in Pati, people say jitul as if it doesn't sound madly funny (LOL). Thank you for being so cool! You are many things I can never be (let's just say I will never be athletic, winning gold in swimming, winning national mooting competition, and writing so many tear-jerker blogposts. Damn you) so thank you for showing me how you could do it as if... by magic. But magic isn't very real, is it? Of course you worked hard for it, and that's why I really wanna thank you for showing me that maybe, just maybe, I can be great too, if I try. 
- Claudia Anjani - Thank you for showing wisdom beyond your size. Sometimes I'm amazed by how much wisdom such a little girl could ooze out of her lips, and how logically true they are. Thank you for being such a lovely person all the time. Thank you for making great things seem simple, when you actually work hard for it. Thank you for your wit, your constant cheerfulness, and the fact that you are so damn possessive about your friends, because honestly that makes being your friend is one of the best honours someone can have. Thank you for being you. Thank you!
- Winandya Almira - Thank you for being such an artsy friend. Every now and then you need to be reminded of how good you are as an artist, so thank you for always supplying our healthy dose of aesthetics in the last 3,5 years. Thank you for being the longest person to stick up with me in college. Thank you for being so... how do I say this without seem insulting? You do so many absurd things that are just very funny, and it makes people happy, even though your sense of humour tend to be a bit... dry. (This is a compliment, trust me on this. Not everyone can make the mishaps of their life to be something as entertaining!) Thank you for always being so thoughtful, so kind, and so delightful all the time. Thank you!
- Natasya - Thank you for always being the most unique person I've ever met! You are such a person that can make a day that seems flat somehow a little brighter just by showing up, wearing a well-put dress that you've successfully managed to pull off, and smile. It's a gift, you know? And thank you for bringing that gift to our small, lovely family. Thank you for being such a delicate flower in what seem to be a pile of hard rocks that is our group. Thank you for always being so, very nice to everyone that it teaches me to try to be a little nicer (It's so hard. How do you do that so effortlessly?) All in all, thank you for always being your peculiar self.

4. The people that I've also been close with:
- Diandra - Thank you for being the kindest soul I've ever known. Thank you for being very nice, even when the situation is bitter. Thank you for having a heart so big it probably fits the whole population of Mozambique (Please don't assume I did a research on how many people actually live there?) Thank you for so many amazing stories about the series of misadventures you had in your life. You can be easily convinced by people that sometimes you believe lies (which can be hilarious), but that teaches me that having faith in people is good. Trusting people is necessary. Just... please don't be anywhere near naive, okay?
- Meinyda - Thank you so much for being the loveliest girl I know! Thank you for showing me that it's relatively possible to be such a girl while also working hard and doing my job well professionally. But most importantly, thank you for being an example that someone can change; someone can be so sensitive and so fragile, but as the time goes by, they can learn to heal their own wounds and be stronger than they'd ever been. Thank you. I will always remember how you've survived that last... calamity :)
- Ajeng - Thank you for always having the voice that look at things from a fresh perspective. Sometimes, I don't need the right perspective. I just need a new perspective, one that other people haven't exposed to me, and that's what you always had to offer. Thank you for speaking so loud most of the time (like me) and thank you for always reminding me of a nice holiday in Bali whenever you start opening your mouth (which is all the time). Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Aqida - This is actually a special thanks, because you are the one person who proved to me that in this millennial generation, there is still someone whose mind is still so free from the toxic of this disgusting millennial era. In other words, for being the best example of how a true cucu guru ngaji should ever be. Thank you for being that. Don't ever change. (Or change, go ahead. It might be good for you!)
- Erif - As the only guy on this list (aside from my dad, of course) you should realise that you are here because I know you'll be reading, and I want you to know that I thank you so much for being such a forgiving person, karena betapapun seringnya gue ceng-cengin lo, lo nggak pernah marah. (Atau pernah, tapi you didn't let me know) It's a rare trait in people, you know. Okay, that's not the real reason. The real reason is because I learned so much from you. Your stories, they taught me so many things I've never learned from anyone else before. And that is why you need to be on this list. 

5. Other people who have helped my college life so much easier: basically everyone who have bothered to help me at all, which includes abang-abang ojek, tukang-tukang kantin, and other people not mentioned on this list. I do not mention your name specifically not because I am not grateful for you in my life. But it's would be boring for other readers to keep reading so many names with me saying "thank you for inspiring my life". So, I had to cut it for the sake of the convenience of people who would want to read this blog. I am so grateful for so many things you've ever done for me, whether you realise it or not.  

Sincerely,

A.