Wanderlust (I Kind of Hate Myself, Too)

Paulo Coelho's Aleph, p.11

wanderlust |ˈwändərˌləst | :  

(n) a strong desire to travel 

What do you do when you're in my position? How do you deal with yourself, the you who has lived within you forever, but was forced to remain voiceless because life demands the other you to rise and grow? What happens when that version of you wants to come out; urges you to give them one more chance, before life corrupts them and they die? I kind of hate myself for having two, or perhaps even more, souls living underneath. Everyone's been there, I'm sure, and they survived, so maybe I would too. But there's always an unspoken story of how they got through with it; how they shut out that other part of them that doesn't go harmoniously with the reality, and how they settled down and make peace with their life now. I wonder if some people never really make peace with that part of them. What happens then? Do they go mad and crazy? Which one will I be? The one who make peace, or the one who go crazy?

Before today, before... every single thing that made up what seems to be my current life now, I had a dream. It's not as noble as Martin Luther King's, but my dream was my dream. It was mine. It has nothing to do with yours, King's, or anybody else. In my dream, I was a wanderer. I traveled across Southeast Asia until I found India, and I found my way to Eastern Europe and then the Mediterranean land, and I roamed Africa, found Ghana, saw Madagascar, until a ship made me a voyage back home. I always long to be somewhere far from home, because we will never appreciate the value of our home if we never leave it. I wanna meet people. I wanna know what it feels like to have nothing to lose apart from my own body. I wanna see this world we all call home. I wanna see the untold stories, the unsung heroes, and the humanity left in this despair we call life. I wanna see the truth. Even when I know for sure that there is never an absolute truth in the world. And from there, I would decide what to make of this world: better, or worse.

But here I am today. Clutching a trophy everyone would call a victory, would sing a song for, but not finding it worth all the joy. I should be grateful; and I am. I really am. But there's a part in me wishing that I would nurture that part of me who dared to dream. There's a part of me, knowing that what I have is so much, and it's more than what I've always wanted, and God knows if I really deserve this. I'm happy. I like what I have. I am yet to see how much I'd grow to love it. (I'm quiet sure I will) But that one part of me, is silently screaming for something else. They want one more chance. Just one. One more chance, that I know I can't afford. They almost hate me now. So I kind of hate myself, too.

You, it was always you

on the train this morning

I looked outside the window, wishing it was a Eurostar ride toParis

wishing I was going to meet you at Rive Gauche

wishing when I take off the train, it was Gare du Nord

and you were waiting for me outside, and it was warm and sunny

with a look that you gave one last time when your friend called me by my stupid nickname

your smile is the only thing that I could remember the best

I wanna take a stroll in Paris with you along the Seine

I wanna drink in Montmartre and be the millionth lover Eiffel has ever witnessed

Shiny Toy Guns's Seasons of Love is playing in the background

I wanna walk the streets in Paris with you and do this beautiful thing

dépaysement

and if you ask me who was I thinking to do it all with me?

you

it was always you

I can't believe it's still the same person after all this time

I need to understand that can't waste my time always wishing I was somewhere else.

Teenage Dream

4 years from now, when I'm done with my masters degree from LSE, I'm gonna stay in London, spend my spare times watching plays or alone in galleries or museums all around the town or maybe simply working at a small vinyl store in Notting Hill. I'm gonna travel to Paris at holidays and visit art museums. And then there I met you, standing right next to me, staring at the same painting and talk about it over coffees in a small café or cheap champagne in the banks of Seine River. In 24 hours, we'd decided to fall in love.

But maybe you never exist.

Normally, I would post something like this on Tumblr. But since it's been down since yesterday (they say minutes but they mean hours, or probably days) I'm posting it here. It's actually inspired by another post by Ratih, here.

Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo a tutti!

I have a feeling that this is gonna be the last post of this year, so, Happy New Year everyone! We all have different experiences this year, and I personally had a blast. I mean, well, there must be some pains happened, but it wasn’t so bad either. Okay, I’ll confess it. It is, bad. But I’ve survived it so nothing could be worse! Yeah, it’s still too early to talk about it, we still have about, like, what, 5 days remaining in this year? And it doesn’t mean that in 5 days the worst thing of the year can’t happen, because of course it can, but let’s just say a prayer for that. If only life is as easy as pie…

I don’t have any new year resolutions. I am a person with no new year resolutions. I think I’m too young to have a resolution. I only believe in goals. Because planning resolutions is so boring, y’know, and consequently I’ll end up wishing I’d be a better person, like, more patient, more clever, less selfish and all that shit. We all wanna be better, who doesn’t? It doesn’t deserve a place in a new year resolution, because it’s exactly what we want. Not for the upcoming year but even for the upcoming days.

I have some goals, yeah, and some plans, but I don’t think they’re resolutions. But mostly this year I’m doing something different! I dream about, not goals, not plans and not resolutions, but impossibility. Like, the “what if” questions. You know, Beyonce’s latest single “If I were a boy”? Yes, it’s kinda like that. And guess what? It’s fun!

If I were something in my bedroom, I’d… be my TV. It’s broken now and now it’s just sat there being all dusty and disgusting, but it’s still a TV. That’s what I wanna be as a person. No matter how bad I’d become, I’d still be a person and people will still see me as I am.

If I were a fruit, I’d… be so many lemons. One of my best friend had told me about, y’know, what she thinks about me because it’s almost the end of the year and we were talking about confession. She told me that, yes I might make noises and mishaps and loud laughter, loud voice, funny faces, corny jokes, but still I’m very bitter inside. Maybe someday I’ll find people who can make me change from so many lemons to litres of lemonade.

If I were a doctor, I’d… sign up to UN and work for Unicef.

If I were living in the 60s, I’d… be busy traveling between UK and US. I wanna watch as much gigs of The Beatles and Elvis Presley as possible! Gosh I always wish I live in this decade!

If I were in a band, it’d be… Jonas Brothers. HAHAHAHA! No, this isn’t so embarrassing. Musically and visually, yes they are… umm… yeah, you know. But personally they’re total nuns! I am a total nun. I could be pretty classic and traditional about things.

If I were a boy, I’d… learn how to love a girl. Every girl has their own type of prince charming, but I think no girl can resist a boy who’s willing to die for her… Hahahahahahahaha! Sorry boys.

If I were a character in ‘Twilight’ saga, I’d… be Rosalie. I don’t read the book, but from many sources I know that she’s the flashy, coolest girl on the original story (because I don’t see it on the movie). Not that I wanna be someone very flashy, very beautiful or whatever, but rather because I think having a boyfriend like Emmett would be so awesome. Who knows?

If I were an animal, I’d be… a Pegasus. You know, it’s not real. I just like the idea that it’s not real but people still know what kind of animal it is. Hey wait, is it an animal?

If I were a journalist, I’d… be a photojournalist for French Vogue. French Vogue is easier than the American but it has the much better style, the classic, BCBG (bon chic bon genre) Parisian couture. Carina Roitfeld (the famous editor-in-chief) once said that only Parisian women like this magazine, the rest of the country don’t. That’s why French Vogue is easier, it’s smaller. And also, because it’s in France, they can do anything on the cover. They can smoke, they can make provocative pictures… they’re free to do anything. Vive le France!

If I were a father, I’d… be someone like my father. My father isn’t someone so famous, so rich or so fashionable and all that matters. But he’s the most harmless person in the world I know, like he can only hurt himself. And so his children are kids who know how comfortable it is being around someone harmless, and that it’s the most important thing at home.

If I were a philanthropist, I’d… buy lands. Andy Warhol once said, “Land really is the best art”. And Mark Twain said, “Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.” And with the lands I would’ve bought I’d build comfortable flats for the needy families. I want everyone to have a home. I want everyone to know what a very comfortable place a home is.

If I were a president of The U.S, I’d… change the way people think of the nation. America isn’t the heart of this world, y’know, they’re not strong enough. Yes it’s a big pie, and then what? Being all eaten up? That’s not cool. I think I’ll just share the power with other countries instead, like, UK, Germany, France, Russia… they’re nations with smart and cool people. They could be good companions.

If I were son of John Lennon, I’d… rather be Julian Lennon. Musically I like Julian better than Sean, though Sean has a better popularity. Julian is the inspiration for the song ‘Hey Jude’ and ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’, two of the best songs by The Beatles. But I’m not interested in being half-blooded person, especially when it comes to two countries which take 12 hours flight to reach each other.

If I could choose to be any woman in the world, I’d be… Yoko Ono. I like her, really. I think she’s a bold, brave and yet loving woman. I know she took John from Cynthia, but she still loves him until today anyway, so it’s like, very okay. That means their love was true. And she dedicated her arts to her departed husband, to the world peace and all that things that impress me. Her arts are so awesome I can’t believe there was a couple like John and Yoko.

If I were a rockstar, I’d… be Pete Doherty! He’s a junkie, a model-sleeper, but he’s still the coolest rockstar to me and I’m thinking that’s what rockstars should be: Like Pete Doherty! Why should everybody wants him to be drugs-free and just all about musically genius? That’s stupid.

If I were a Hollywood superstar, I’d… be Angelina Jolie. Just everything she does is right. Adopting kids, winning awards, being a UN ambassador… What’s not right is stealing husband and sadly there’s no prison charge for stealing someone’s husband. But, you know, if Hollywood still exists for the next 200 years, they’ll still know who’s the bitch in this shocking love triangle, not the one who let her husband fall into someone else. Look at Cynthia Lennon who loses John to Yoko! Not everybody knows that John was once married to Cynthia before Yoko…

If I could choose with whom I live with… it’d be Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. First of all, they could treat me from breakfast to brunch to lunch to dinner to supper. Second of all, I could live in their fabulous life everyday. And third, I could raid their closet and if I can’t wear it for myself I could just sell it to people or other designer! Viva la vida!

If I could live anywhere in the world, I’d live in… Cambridge. I love this city. Oh no, the world love is not enough. There must be another word to tell how much I like this city… It’s not so hectic, not so cold, it’s very great and amazing. It takes only 1 hour to London, and from London I can reach any other cool cities in the world very easily. Paris, Milan, Hamburg, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Madrid, New York, LA… ooh I can’t wait!!!!

Well, I believe that we all have imagination. This kind of game is a very cool way to play with your imagination instead just sitting down, playing games, write down some shits… Yeah I know this is shit, but reality leaves a lot to your imagination, so why don’t take it? They’re free!