It's weird (like everything else in life when you're in your 20s, I'm afraid). How come no one ever told me it was gonna be like this?
Honestly, I never quiet understood what "quarter life crisis" actually entails. Is it an emotional situation so bad that you want to rip your heart out every time you let yourself think about it? But I thought that was teenage angst--because if there's any advice soothing enough for me right now, it would be this:
That advice was given to Elio by his charming father in Call Me By Your Name. But Elio is a 17 year old gay kid who had a wonderful encounter with the strikingly handsome Oliver in a beautiful Italian countryside--not a 25 year old straight young woman in a cold Midwestern city struggling with the way things turned out to be for her. Elio's fear feels legit. My fear?
What do I tell my kids about all of these things?
I'm no Eliza Schuyler. I do want a legacy. For my kids. For little Shirley and Audrey who take ballet lessons after school. For their kids who will call me Nana. For my adopted son who was born out of wedlock by some couple who cannot afford childcare but were too scared to find an abortion clinic.
What do I tell them about how I lived my life?
There's just too many feelings--these days it feels a lot like reoccurring episode than just "an episode." I feel suffocated sometimes, because... feelings can be too much.
It's a mix of joy and pride, but mostly fear. Fear of whether I did the right thing. Fear of whether or not it is right that I'm proud about it. Fear of whether or not I should feel regret--because I don't regret any of it. Fear of... living with myself in the years to come. What kind of person will I turn out to be? Is this the real me? Is it not? Am I a monster?
I have so many questions. So many doubts.
Isn't it all the problems reserved for teenagers? Because this part of the monologue sounds awfully familiar to 16-year-old me:
No comments:
Post a Comment