I was taking my regular walk around my neighborhood tonight around 7:30pm when a sinking feeling overwhelmed me and made me almost turned back and give up that walk. I passed by my office building. The fancy restaurant where I used to go to (and had some kind of memory I kind of want to erase now). The live music bar where I used to go with someone I used to know after work. The hotel I used to stop by.
I looked at the fleet of cars outside of that restaurant and bar. The people who were waiting outside of the office building for their cab or ojek to pick them up. The people who were walking back from the shopping mall towards where I was standing. And then, eventually, I looked at the restaurant patrons. The people sitting there or coming in and out of them.
I think about what they are doing; where they are going; who they are doing it or going with. I think about how I have been all of them. Right at that very same time. Perhaps 16 or 48 months ago. I can remember so many of those Friday nights at 7:30pm and they are so vivid I can still taste what it all felt like.
And then I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness. My heart sank, and sadness washed over me like warm water. What is this? What is happening?
I guess I just... really don't want to go back to that place anymore. That period of time. That stage. That level of maturity. I don't want to, and a little scared of any possibility that might lead me back there again. Because I think... I think the me who was there, the me from 2 years ago... she would be happy to see me now, if not a little proud? Maybe a little skeptical... but I'm sure if she had known this is where she would be in about 2 years, she probably can't wait to fast forward two years and be who she is today.
Or at least I hope so. I hope she's not still absolutely cynical about everything in life and silently cry in the office at 2am.
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