Get A Gun

raison d’être, n. 

I swore I would never have this feeling. I would never have the feeling of wanting to jump off a tall building and see if it would kill me--because nothing else works to make me feel anymore. I swore I would never feel more depressed than Cecilia Lisbon. After all, I survived, being thirteen. But look at all those bullshit. Look at all those stupid youth optimism. Look at me now.

I was wrong. And I thought someone would be there to help me but I was wrong. Again. 

"Friends"

Precious Love

Seven years have passed since I first tearfully sing along to You Give Me Something, finally get the chance to meet James Morrison in person and thanks a lot to Yasmine, we get to take a picture with him. I promised myself that I was going to see some specific artists when they visited Indonesia no matter what happens, be it lonesome or stormy weather, and he was one of those, among Damien Rice and Coldplay and Arctic Monkeys. So it was one of the most beautiful nights in my life. And that's how I know that it's a wonderful world.

An Open Letter to My Virtual Insanity Partner

Hey, you

You know, like I know, that we haven't seen each other for a while. We haven't had a lot of chances to accidentally bump into each other and feel like we're so meant to be. I know that we tried. You tried, and I tried, but it didn't really mean a lot to our friendship. And sometimes I'm sad because I thought we're done, but then we made it; we met, and, we're reminded of the reason why we're perfect buddies: Because with each other, we just feel better.

A lot of the things in life have made me bitter. There's no bigger tragedy of a human being that keep on living, getting older and made bitter by so many things we've witnessed just before our eyes. So many people around me, and not a single one of them made me feel safe about telling my stories; what makes the kind of person that I am today, and where I came from, why I do the things I do, how I deal with things... They didn't know, because they don't deserve to.

But you're different. You make me feel safe. You don't judge me. Or at least your judgements are as insane as I can take, and I appreciate them all. You're just as messed up as I am. You're the same terrible person that I really am, though you don't even try to hide it. You'd rather be seen as you; the intimidating person who speaks your mind than the way people see me: someone who's nice, because I bury my words inside of me and let them kill me.

You're screwed. You're fucked up. But guess what? Me too. And when I tell you my stories, you tell me yours and I feel better. Not because I'm dancing over your misery, but more because I feel like I'm not alone in this depression. You had it too--worse, sometimes. And you're still this cool person who I looked up to. We're very similar in a lot of ways; and in that manner, I feel safe. You know exactly what I feel, because you've been there, and I can learn from you. And at the same time, you can talk to me. I don't spill stories about you. I don't judge you, no matter how insane you are. And I listen. I listen because I'm learning from you. And I know I'm who I am today because of you.

You're my Samantha meets Miranda. And I'm your Carrie meets Charlotte. We're a full team, just the two of us.

Someday we'll be like we used to be. Someday we'll be old and hopefully still equally fun... less fucked up. Someday we'll be a better team. And until that time, you're still the biscuits to my English tea.

Yours truly,

Me.

Noted.

Constellations

The Fault in Our Stars is a beautiful read. Yes, I'm a fan of John Green, but for this once, I'm more of a fan of Gus and Hazel Grace. I love their love, their uniqueness and acceptance of the fact that they're dying. Hazel Grace is a graceful girl, and Gus is an optimistic guy who's not afraid of anything. Their love is good. Their love is beautiful. I always have a thing for Amsterdam. Amsterdam is underrated, but the truth is, the way it is pictured in the book is just... admirable. This book is beautiful. It's a must read, even if you're not a young adult.

So many choices, but they're all disappointments

Science teaches us that in times of sadness or upsetting situations, eat chocolate. Because chocolate has some kind of chemicals in it that would make you happy. Despite whether or not it's true, I always eat chocolate when those kind of moods coming and at least that way I can suggest myself to be happy. Because unhappiness is sometimes unbearable. Because unhappiness leads to depression, and depression is not cool. It's the most selfish psychological situation because it makes you only think about you and yourself, like you're the most miserable person in the whole of universe. Unhappiness is hard. You try to give yourself suggestion that, "This too shall pass." "You'll be alright. Everything will be alright." "People has had it worse." But guess what, it doesn't make you feel any better. Giving yourself suggestion that the end will be a happy ending is not gonna make you less of the miserable being that you are right now, because you can't see the ending, and you can't even believe if it's going to end someday, somewhat, somehow. Sometimes when there's too much, I just wanna cry. Really, it would've been much easier if I could just cry all over it but even that kind of cheesy thing, I can't do. Girls like me believe that crying would make you feel better. At least crying would put you in sleep and tuck you in to your comfy blankets, very unlike my worries. Actually, maybe the world isn't so mean. Maybe it's just me being hormonal teenagers and it's just my teen angst. Maybe it's not a series of disappointments. And yes, I'll be fine. I remember that I've sort of felt the same way before, and I came out of it just fine, happy. But like every other depression, somehow I think this time I just got it worse than ever. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just part of growing up. And yes, I'll always be fine. 

My biggest regret is that my life wasn't written by Richard Curtis or Nora Ephron, wasn't produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and of course, John Hughes didn't direct it too. 

You Will Be Alright

You know you're tired. You know your candles are burnt in both ends, and you're running out of paraffin to burn. You know you have to take a break; short and long ones. You just need to recharge yourself and stop squeezing lemons to your open sore. You have to nurse your wounds and heal your broken bones. But they need you. They want you. They ask for more than just an encore. They demanded that you be there to cheer them up. They don't see you as a candle, but a fluorescent light. They love you. They show you their love. They don't want you go. So you stay there for them, even if it kills you inside. 

If it's a broken heart then face it

How often can you sit down and look out of the window and started thinking, even without trying, and suddenly you realized that, you've been in this position before. You've been in the same day, the same situation, but that was a year ago. Or perhaps even two, maybe three. Maybe it's the first day of the new class, and you still remember how that very event felt like last year, or two years ago. You remember how hard it was, and how stupid you used to be, how innocent, how scared of life and people you were. And then next feeling that got into you was that you're old. Maybe just older, but old. Moments have passed and you think to yourself, "Am I still the same person? Did I grow up from there to here? Am I still dealing with the same shit over and over again?" We all know our cells change every once in a while, but do we?