Sanctuary is where your actual self is

Did you ever wonder why, whenever you are at home, where supposedly it is where your heart is, and that it's no longer a place, but a group of people, you still feel like you are not in touch with yourself? Somehow, even at home, the best place on earth to rest your bones, you still think that there is someone else inside of you that's screaming, because it is yet to be fulfilled?

I'd like to believe that I love my home---I do. If there is anything I learned from being with myself in the past 22 years, it's that I know how to be content with myself, wherever I am. And yet sometimes, even when I'm at home, at the place where I'm supposed to be most comfortable in, I'm still not myself. I'm still someone else who has this pressure to defend the me who's sitting on the back, not wanting to be visible to anyone.

People told me that maybe I just like to be alone. I like to be with myself so much because solitude (not loneliness) gives me a time to listen to me and only me. I did not have to think, did not have to listen to anyone else except for me. I have this huge ego to be listened to and I'm going to annoy the hell out of people if I demand them to listen to everything I said. This is why sometimes I feel like misunderstood. This is why sometimes, even in a sea of people, I still feel so alone. Because I have so much to say, and yet I know nobody would hear it so I just swallow them and let it live in me.

There is a place that I love the most in my city--it's so close to the hustlin' and bustlin' of the city and yet it just feels so comfortable... Like I don't have to worry about anything here. Like I will be fine in this place. Like this is an entirely different universe, and it's the only place where the people are nice and the people won't hurt me. It's the place where I can be okay. It's a sanctuary for the restless, and even if, perhaps, every single person in this place are lonely wanderer like I am, it is fine. Because that's what sanctuary is. It's the place where the restless find themselves---and be okay with it.

So if you ever happen to be around Starbucks Kinokuniya Plaza Senayan after hours, do take a look at the small table behind the straw bar. I should probably be there, writing the same random posts here like I don't give two cents about the rest of the world.