Finding Arien

I don't know if 22 years is a long enough time to figure out who someone really is, but I think that I lost the me that I had been in the past 21 years and for a whole year long I've been trying to find if she is indeed still in there; there, in my heart and mind.

Because sometimes it's so easy to remember who you really are, and to lose yourself when you think you were going somewhere.

I like to consider myself a writer; at least to myself, because I know that most of my writings are for my sole consumption and they were never meant to be anything more than that anyway. I like to write about life and its problems. I like to write about love, when I happen to have something to say about it. Most of all, I like to write fiction, because that's where the life is. One day, you will be surprised that sometimes there's more truth in a fiction than there is in someone's life story.

But a writer writes, and most recently, I don't.

Not because I don't have time or I have a writer's block.

It was more like because I stopped caring. Because I stopped having things to say---things to write about.

It's like I stopped feeling feelings.

Have you ever tried to look back in time and see the stuffs you've said (or written/tweeted/posted) and think, "I did that? Really?" Mostly, at the same time I'd shamefully think, "What was I thinking??!" and then try to excuse myself that I was just a teenager, I was (probably) unstable emotionally, or it was just PMS talking. But these days, whenever I try to look back, mostly what came up to mind was this one depressing question---one that I share with you because I wish that you're not wondering the same thing I do---"Where had the girl who wrote this gone?"

Because if you're not, please know that it is such privilege to not have let go of your preferred version of yourself.

Office Life

The Office is one of those series that I can watch over and over in any kind of mood and will still find funny after the umpteenth time I've seen it. It's kind of my comfort series now, like, I can watch it while I'm bed-ridden sick with flu and not feeling like meeting people outside of my room. Some episodes I know the words by heart (especially that last one where everyone meet again and Steve Carell's back only to say the punchline "That's what she said!" at Dwight's wedding day and it brought me to a river of tears) and some other, I decided to be kept as something precious and shall only be opened on rainy days (I'm talking about that one where Michael proposed to Holly and actually made it rain in the office). I think this series is amazing, and it's going to be one those things that I'll brag about to my grandkids and introduce as my generation's finest.

What I didn't know until very recently is that the original version, where Ricky Gervais is the critical person responsible for the creative part and the acting part of the series, is something of a legendary work of art by itself! The British version is more bleak and dreary, much like the weather's like in England, but also, it's far more acerbic and cynical than the American version. If you are more familiar with American movies, you'll probably find it weird that the British version of Jim (brilliantly portrayed by my favorite John Watson, Martin Freeman) isn't 6'3" and Dawn (British Pam, obviously) has curves for days (and, oh God, is even more reluctant to help herself find her happiness! God help her!). The American version also has far more characters, it's so hard to choose which one actually made the story on each episodes, because they're all great, and even though Steve Carrell's Michael Scott is supposed to be the center of the universe, they actually share almost equal parts of making the show interesting---which is probably why I find the show so interesting. On a side note, the British version does not shy away from sexual innuendos and generally conversations about sex. It even played with carrying around a pink dildo around the office once, and that's exhilarating to see on TV. I haven't seen any recent British TV other than Sherlock (which third season plots and dialogues I know by heart) so there's a lot of getting used to. It's nothing compared to older shows like The Inbetweeners and Skins, though.

The best part about both versions? Well, you know I love Jim and Pam from the American version, and my love for them will hardly ever change, but what drives me toward it was all the supporting characters, in which the British version was lacking. But the Brit one was rather short in only 12 episodes and 2 Christmas Specials, so of course it had to be simple. And yet, David Brent is surprisingly a very eloquent man who often quotes from literature and Tim is far, far wiser than Jim ever was, so points for them. Anyway, my favorite bit from the original version has got to be Tim's last monologue in the second part of the Christmas Special. He may not closed it, but he did hit close to home.

"The people you work with are just people you're thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice, and yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family, but probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with, yeah.

And Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life, and it meant a lot, but if I'm really being honest, I really never thought it would have a happy ending.I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments and it's like, y'know, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending, is it? I'm still here, my life is not over. Come back in ten years, see how I'm doing then, cause I could be married with kids, you don't know. Life just goes on. "

             - Tim Canterbury, The Office UK

Jack of all trade, Master of None

Have you seen Aziz Ansari's new currently buzzing Netflix show, Master of None?

If you haven't, you should.

Adulthood

Hey everyone, how's life? Or even better, how's adulthood?

Personally, it's crazy. It's been a constant roller coaster between paying the bills, taxes, saving up money for future plans, making a living and keeping friends close. This is exactly the things adults never tell kids to enhance those 'I can't wait to grow up' sayings. This is, in part, a great set up.

I realized that I haven't been here for over a month and by God, I miss you guys! *sigh. I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this page. I don't even care. In part because I write for myself, and another part because I'm not writing so that my voice is heard. I'm writing so that I could let some of these words and ideas constantly grilling inside my head made their way into the world.

So, how's adulthood? 

I do hope that at least one of you finds it enjoyable, because personally, I think adulthood is tricky. It's exciting, yes. But it's not as exciting when every payday it just reminds you that you have bills to pay. You have to save up and invest in something. You have to pay the taxes (this guy is the necessary evil, I'm telling you). You have to make sure that you have time for your family, for your friends, your lover............or lack thereof. 

Yes, sometimes I'm contemplating my own state of adulthood and I just end up thinking, "It would've been a lot easier if I had found someone with whom I will spend the rest of my life with." You know, because then, figuring out how my future would look like is going to be easier. 

But you know what, I kind of hate myself for that (yeah, I know I hate myself a lot already). I hate that I think I need someone to define my future when my future is mine, and it doesn't have to depend on anybody else. I may get married someday, but who or what my husband is doesn't have to define who or what I am as my own person. I may be a woman, but my life is not less a life than my husband's.

You might be thinking, is she a feminist? Well, it's quiet a phenomenal word right now, and sometimes it's been taken out of context. I'm not proclaiming myself one because as much as I believe in women's rights (whatever it is that real feminists tell you), I do enjoy being a woman in a man's man's world. Just the other day, I was in a situation where my being a woman proved as an advantage in a place where the male bureaucrats rarely see a woman wearing lipstick. I know, even that is a sign that women aren't being treated the same as men and it's probably even degrading in a sense. But you see, sometimes feminism isn't about gender equality. In more than one occasion, it's about indulging in privileges. So maybe, in a sense, I am a feminist.

What I'm trying to tell you, I guess, is this: Adulthood is about knowing who you are. It's not too late to find out who you are. No. We'll never know if we're actually late bloomers. But knowing who you are helps. Knowing who you are lessens your worries and saves you a lot of time. Knowing who you are makes you actually look age appropriate---adult. Knowing who you are is good. Because even if you are one day proven to be wrong about who you think you are, at least you had a good start.