But you just don't see me

It's a truth that people have been secretly hiding, that the true happy people do not look outside the window every now and then, wishing they were somewhere else; wondering what could have been if they weren't to make decisions themselves. It's a truth universally known that decisions are made when we are tired of thinking---and the unhappy people are those with the most tired minds. I look outside my window at every different time of day; at six in the morning when it was grey and depressing, at one in the afternoon when the sun shines too strong for every eyes to see, at four or five during tea time when the ray of light gets weaker; just as much as all the tired people, and at nine in the evening when everybody's home with their loved ones; everybody has come to the place they want to rest their broken bones in. I hate my apartment. The altitude makes me see a lot of things that I cannot have; home, family to come home to, warm home-cooked meal, socialization, city lights. God, I even miss the traffic jam. I like being alone, but maybe, just maybe, not too much. It gets me to think that this is the most expensive price I ever had to pay; for being so stupidly choosing what I had chosen over other options that I had. I didn't have to smile if I don't want to. I didn't have to live alone sixty meters above the ground. I didn't have to do what I'm supposed to be doing right now; I didn't have to sign up for them. I didn't have to choose law school. Everybody knows smiles have to be genuinely from the heart. Everybody knows family home is the best place on earth while you still can't spare your own. Everybody knows no one is gonna care if I didn't sign up for anything. I should know that law school isn't for me; I'm not that dirty, not that tough, not that good in this. Everybody knows if you go to law school in Indonesia, it's not the same as you go to one in the States; only fools think it is. I should know that I wasn't build up to be a lawyer; I didn't think I have to win everything. Heck, I didn't even have to go to college. I could just make my way to wound up in the streets of Rome and be homeless but at least I'm happy. I could just quit school and sign myself up to be a roadie and be unmistakably poor but at least I'd love that. Why did anybody let me choose things for myself? Or maybe, I could just help myself not to read too much Sylvia Plath and teach myself to be depressed. That would've been easier.

I like love

When you take care of me during my sick days, and you keep on saying that I will get better when I can't see it at all, and when you keep telling me that there's more to learn from what I can see today, and that it happened for a reason, "You'll be okay, I promise. I love you, and I'll love you more when you get better."

When I almost give up, and I think no good news is coming to me, and I know I'll be alright, and I was making myself sure that it's okay to fail, you tell me "You can do it. I know you can do it, and you'll nail it. You're more than you think you are. I love you."

When I get home being a terrible kid and I get mad at everybody and I show no mercy, it was because I'm angry. I'm angry because what I miss the most is the idea of home, the home I knew when I was 6 or 7, when everyone wasn't this old, wasn't this smart, wasn't this busy. I never miss what I actually see. And you always, always told me "What gets you so upset? Is it somebody at school? Is it something that bothers you night and day? What can I do for you?"

When you ask me that, I really just wanna give an answer to you, but I never have the heart to actually do it. "Love me less. Expect less from me."

I Curse Too

I don't do curse, actually, I only do it occasionally, I mean, only if it's necessary. Now that two bombs exploded and Manchester United cancelled their visit..... I JUST WANNA CHOKE THOSE BOMBERS TO HIS SECOND DEATH.

In my opinion, you bloody bombers, you are so not going to heaven, not even hell. Whatever your motives are, we love peace right now so if you really like bombing, I think you should find an unoccupied island and live there yourself with unidentified insects.

Haven't I Told You?

NOT to copy me in ANYTHING?

Thanks to me I won't post anything that will make people see how much you've copied me, bitch.

Thanks to me! Me, the one you've been copying.

Copying is today's biggest no-no. It's not even in anymore. Please grow up.

(no, regular readers, I'm not talking to you. so don't bother giving comments)