What do I deserve?

First and foremost, I know you're not Paul Varjak and I'm not Holly Golightly and we don't live in the same flat in New York, but for all the love you've given me, I can only say thank you. And I'm sorry about that, I really am. Because maybe, well just maybe, I am a Bart Bass. I am incapable of love. So no matter how much love was showered to me, it didn't really matter. I am incapable of love, and therefore I was not built to accept the love you give me.

Or maybe I just don't know what I deserve, and what I don't. I don't know what's too high or too low for me, so chances are, maybe I do deserve your love, but I'll pass. Sad but true, because... Because once you're gone, I know I'm probably gonna lose you forever. This is not a great romance film, and I wouldn't fight for someone who could only thank me for all the love I've given if I were you. So, it's not our fault, really. It's not, so you can stop thinking what you did wrong and hate me forever. And when that day comes, that day when I regret the things that I have done to you, I would hate myself too. Even more than I already do.

Here's my ridiculous arguments. They sound really stupid and unnecessary and unacceptable, but they are mine. They are smart and essential and completely acceptable for me. And so just as much as I have always respected your choices, I hope you would respect them too.

I think I love you too. I think I feel what you feel. My heart beats faster when you came across, or when you called me, even when they weren't to say you love me. My days weren't complete without talking to you, without finding out what's in your brain. You're not my type, not in any way. But as the time goes by I started to think that you're not so bad. In fact, you are a good person, but you just suck in representing yourself.

But hell, I don't feel what I think I'm supposed to feel when I'm really in love. Yes I think about you most of the time (Alright that's a lie. Almost all the time) But I don't become obsessed with it, you know? I don't remember you when I see a shooting star. The rain doesn't bring me memories of you. And when I tried to write about you, I'm stuck. I'm a writer, for God's sake. They say if I'm in love I should be writing a full novel, but with you I can't even write a single post. Maybe I'm one of those writers who cannot write when I'm not miserable. But that's not fair! I need to write about love while it's growing, not when it's already gone to waste. I must be careful not to be involved with you or anyone else just to be the subject in my works. Love ain't no business and I'm not Taylor Swift.