I C U

How did it happen?
I close my eyes and suddenly you were there
In a car
Behind the wheels
And I was there
Your co-pilot
Your companion
Your confidante
You talked
I talked
And things got serious
But sad
I had to be honest
But you found out anyway
I said no
You said okay
If this was a fairytale, we'd kiss
If this was a poetry, we'd hit
But it was a blind hope
A false illusion
A mythical subconscious mind
Because if this was a reality, I'd be disappointed
The truth has never been so fond of me
I keep getting hurt
You keep getting stumbled
How did it happen?

Tahiti 8

I have always loved unicorns. When I was younger, I pictured it as a this majestic creature that's pure white, the holy hybrid of a beautiful horse and bird and some animal with horns (I'm not really good with animals, I can tell you that). It was only later that I realised unicorns are mythical. They don't exist. They only exist in this world because people love myths. People love the idea of them. But they were never really part of this world. Not a chance.

In my teenage years, I met you. You, who's so out of this world and too good to be part of it. All of a sudden, you are the epitome of unicorns to me. You are a unicorn. My unicorn. Actually, scratch that; because you never belong to me, and were never mine to begin with.

It's not love, is it? Because if I love you, I should be picturing myself standing at the altar, vowing to stick with each other through sickness and health, 'till death do us part, right? If I love you, I should have the drive to do something, to make do of the little time we have together. If I love you, those sights we so insistently exchanged should lead into something else rather just 'oh, that made my day'. If I love you, I should know better than to prepare myself to let you go again.

Because maybe this time, there ain't no big ceremony with loud music and hymns and chimes to remark the last time I could be standing next to you.

Because the way it did back then, I got by with a little help from my friend. And I think I've gotten rid of said friend the way I should've gotten rid of my memories of you from the first place.

If you ask me, it's pretty weird. Why here? Why now? Why you? Why me? What were the odds?

So I guess that's life for me. I have so many unanswered questions, but I'm pretty comfortable in not knowing. I know I don't love you, because if I do, it would be so much more complicated. I know that it's only a beautiful coincidence, and it was bound to end one way or another. This is how mean the universe can be to me; I hope this is the universe being extremely nice to you. 

I know that... somewhere along the way, I'm gonna miss you. As I always do. How many people can actually say that, "Oh, it feels familiar, I've been here before." I'm gonna go back to square one and learn how to live my life in a better way (Like I said, I should've gotten rid of my memories of you long before today) 

It's not my life going in reverse... It's my life learning one of its biggest lesson. I don't know if I should be proud that you're one part of it, because you don't even know it. But if there should ever be one person that I can say made a difference in my life (and better yet, he doesn't even it), it's you. And I'm not regretting it. 

Star-Crossed Person

I know that you don't know this. In a way, I don't want you to. I don't want you to know just as much as I wish by God you'd know. I'm a complete paradoxical moron who doesn't know what I'm talking about. But, let me finish.

When I first came here, it was because of you. I didn't think that it was any good or bad for myself. You were all I had in my mind. My motivation. My vision. My sole purpose. My never-let-go. My almost. My separated-at-birth like-minded kind of person.

But time goes by and I realised that, well, it's no longer about you. I'm my own person now. I'm on my own mission, and I'm about to accomplish it. You were just the grand prize that interested me in the first place, but I was never about the prize; I'm about the journey, even though I still have my eyes on the prize.

And then, that news came along. You're leaving. I knew you were about to, so I'm not very surprised. But I was disappointed. Not at you for leaving, but for myself. All this time that I've been here, what have I done? Where's the prize? What's in the journey for me?

Even after all this time, I am still the expert on lying to myself. You matter to me. In a way, you always do. And that hurts, because I shouldn't feel this way. It's not healthy for me.

I have come here for nothing, and even though they don't know you like I do... They know you. I don't.

This is why they always say, never let your happiness be based on someone else's presence. This is how easy everything could fall into pieces if you do. And I had to learn it the hard way. The unrecommended way. The worst possibility there is.

I'm losing sight of where to go from here, but I don't blame you. I don't blame anyone, but I'm trying to forgive myself. It's hard. It's so hard. It won't be my first time, I just didn't know that I had to do it again so early in my twenties. But I had you to thank for this. If it wasn't because of you, this is not how it's gonna go for me.

I wish I could tell you how I feel what you feel. Maybe that way you could tell me how wrong I am about everything, and then everything would be easier. But an easy life is not a life. 

In the meantime, I'll be fine. Eventually. I'm sure you'll be fine, too. We deserve happiness, you and I. We'll find our own ways to get it. We'll pursue it together; in separate ways. In my way. In your way. Never knowing if it'll ever cross again.

A New Hope

You know what I really like about January?

It's that there's just so many hopes, and reflections, and expectations, and wishful thinking in the air, that every time I take a breath, it feels more refreshing than any other time of the year. January always promises of so many excitement, and guarantees an adventure worth taking for the next 11 months.

The best thing about life, I believe, is that it is the result of all the things that we choose from the options that we have. We are the choices that we made and the decisions that we take. More than 50% of what our lives is, is entirely our choice. It's a canvas that we get to paint with our own colours. Sometimes, there's hand that will help us shape the puzzles; but that's okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. We all need a little guide. We all need somebody to rely on.

So, happy new year, my dear readers. Let yourself be proud of the things that you chose, because nobody else is gonna do it for you. May the odds be ever in our favour.

A. 

Quick Review: 2014

I really can't help but feel like I owe you something by not having posted anything to conclude 2014, as I always do as my last post of the year. By the time I'm writing this, it's 11:10 PM in GMT-8, where we're still dealing with the last minutes of 2014, and, well, it's not yet 2015. I know, I cheated a little here, but, okay.

As I'm sitting here in SFO Airport boarding room, I'm trying to make a quick review of how 2014 went for me. And the dark night sky with ornamented fluorescent lights outside inspired me to say, that, with the highest of respect that I have for the year where I graduated college and officially become an adult at barely 21 years old, this has been a year of revamping.

I say revamping because, whether you realise it or not, I'm constantly struggling to adapt to my situation this year. The adult situation. The office situation. All the other situation that I am not used to. I'm still struggling now, and I will continue to try my best even in 2015. But it can't escape my notice that it's been almost a year, and I'm still not an expert in this.

I promised you, in my last post of 2013, that I will be a changed person, and, as much as possible, better. I don't think I have succeeded to become a better person this year, but the definition of better will always be different to one another. It has been a wonderful year... But I know I hoped that it would've gone... smoother.

I know that no one has had it easy in their early twenties, perhaps not even Bill Gates. Or Mark Zuckerberg. And that comforted me a little. But I know that I'm going to have to change that soon... Before it's no longer my decision. Before it's all for naught.

So, yeah. It's almost 2015 here, too. Here's to a good new year. Here's to a beautiful days ahead.

Here's to your future endeavours.

Happy new year.

San Francisco, 31 Dec 2014 11:21 PM