Star-Crossed Person

I know that you don't know this. In a way, I don't want you to. I don't want you to know just as much as I wish by God you'd know. I'm a complete paradoxical moron who doesn't know what I'm talking about. But, let me finish.

When I first came here, it was because of you. I didn't think that it was any good or bad for myself. You were all I had in my mind. My motivation. My vision. My sole purpose. My never-let-go. My almost. My separated-at-birth like-minded kind of person.

But time goes by and I realised that, well, it's no longer about you. I'm my own person now. I'm on my own mission, and I'm about to accomplish it. You were just the grand prize that interested me in the first place, but I was never about the prize; I'm about the journey, even though I still have my eyes on the prize.

And then, that news came along. You're leaving. I knew you were about to, so I'm not very surprised. But I was disappointed. Not at you for leaving, but for myself. All this time that I've been here, what have I done? Where's the prize? What's in the journey for me?

Even after all this time, I am still the expert on lying to myself. You matter to me. In a way, you always do. And that hurts, because I shouldn't feel this way. It's not healthy for me.

I have come here for nothing, and even though they don't know you like I do... They know you. I don't.

This is why they always say, never let your happiness be based on someone else's presence. This is how easy everything could fall into pieces if you do. And I had to learn it the hard way. The unrecommended way. The worst possibility there is.

I'm losing sight of where to go from here, but I don't blame you. I don't blame anyone, but I'm trying to forgive myself. It's hard. It's so hard. It won't be my first time, I just didn't know that I had to do it again so early in my twenties. But I had you to thank for this. If it wasn't because of you, this is not how it's gonna go for me.

I wish I could tell you how I feel what you feel. Maybe that way you could tell me how wrong I am about everything, and then everything would be easier. But an easy life is not a life. 

In the meantime, I'll be fine. Eventually. I'm sure you'll be fine, too. We deserve happiness, you and I. We'll find our own ways to get it. We'll pursue it together; in separate ways. In my way. In your way. Never knowing if it'll ever cross again.