So many choices, but they're all disappointments

Science teaches us that in times of sadness or upsetting situations, eat chocolate. Because chocolate has some kind of chemicals in it that would make you happy. Despite whether or not it's true, I always eat chocolate when those kind of moods coming and at least that way I can suggest myself to be happy. Because unhappiness is sometimes unbearable. Because unhappiness leads to depression, and depression is not cool. It's the most selfish psychological situation because it makes you only think about you and yourself, like you're the most miserable person in the whole of universe. Unhappiness is hard. You try to give yourself suggestion that, "This too shall pass." "You'll be alright. Everything will be alright." "People has had it worse." But guess what, it doesn't make you feel any better. Giving yourself suggestion that the end will be a happy ending is not gonna make you less of the miserable being that you are right now, because you can't see the ending, and you can't even believe if it's going to end someday, somewhat, somehow. Sometimes when there's too much, I just wanna cry. Really, it would've been much easier if I could just cry all over it but even that kind of cheesy thing, I can't do. Girls like me believe that crying would make you feel better. At least crying would put you in sleep and tuck you in to your comfy blankets, very unlike my worries. Actually, maybe the world isn't so mean. Maybe it's just me being hormonal teenagers and it's just my teen angst. Maybe it's not a series of disappointments. And yes, I'll be fine. I remember that I've sort of felt the same way before, and I came out of it just fine, happy. But like every other depression, somehow I think this time I just got it worse than ever. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just part of growing up. And yes, I'll always be fine. 

My biggest regret is that my life wasn't written by Richard Curtis or Nora Ephron, wasn't produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and of course, John Hughes didn't direct it too. 

You Will Be Alright

You know you're tired. You know your candles are burnt in both ends, and you're running out of paraffin to burn. You know you have to take a break; short and long ones. You just need to recharge yourself and stop squeezing lemons to your open sore. You have to nurse your wounds and heal your broken bones. But they need you. They want you. They ask for more than just an encore. They demanded that you be there to cheer them up. They don't see you as a candle, but a fluorescent light. They love you. They show you their love. They don't want you go. So you stay there for them, even if it kills you inside. 

If it's a broken heart then face it

How often can you sit down and look out of the window and started thinking, even without trying, and suddenly you realized that, you've been in this position before. You've been in the same day, the same situation, but that was a year ago. Or perhaps even two, maybe three. Maybe it's the first day of the new class, and you still remember how that very event felt like last year, or two years ago. You remember how hard it was, and how stupid you used to be, how innocent, how scared of life and people you were. And then next feeling that got into you was that you're old. Maybe just older, but old. Moments have passed and you think to yourself, "Am I still the same person? Did I grow up from there to here? Am I still dealing with the same shit over and over again?" We all know our cells change every once in a while, but do we?

Satu Windu Kemudian

Eight years have gone by, and it's like time didn't change anything. Thank you.

The Far East

When someone tells you that life is a book, and those who did not travel never learn anything, perhaps it's true. Because as it turns out, there really is extraordinary things out there, things they don't write in the book, or the newspaper, or even the internet. There are things that you have to find out for yourself. Of course as a normal person you can't go to every places they recommended you, just like you can't read all the best books, or ride the fancies cars, or maybe date all the beautiful boys. But one day when I'm awfully rich, I would use all of my savings to travel anywhere possible; anywhere without any exception, along with the people I love. I'm not really the kind of traveler that you'd think about whenever that word comes to your mind, but I know about a thing or two about traveling and it's this: never say no.

Always, always have some kind of cruise in your itinerary

Say yes to anything. To go to the countries where people don't speak English (even when that's the only foreign language you can actually use) or to eat all the bizarre foods and feeling like you're the new Andrew Zimmern. Say yes to do the things you will never do when you're home, and say yes to wearing clothes that flatter or don't flatter your shape. Say yes to buy the things, whether you'll find useful or not, that you will not find back at home, but make sure that they would remind you of the beauty you'd seen while on the journey. Say yes to spend your money on overpriced tourist-y souvenirs, and say yes to having to sit on the plane between people who don't speak your language and go through hours of flying not talking at all. Say yes to... oh, everything, really.

But for now let me make some points of the story that I'm trying to tell you here. And here it goes.

A much too warm Osaka weather

1. In Korea and Japan, I learned something special about mankind: We may not speak the same language, but we can always try to understand each other, even by signal languages. There's not standards as to how you'd use it to people, because like in Japan, it's like there's a million people there who can't even speak a single word in English. It's so easy to be Scarlett Johansson there. It's so, very easy to be lost in translation in Japan, even when you think you're already in a much visited tourist attraction in Tokyo. It seems to me that the Koreans are still more willing to try to speak English to you than the Japanese. Basically if you don't speak Japanese, you're lost in Japan. Because the minute you landed, you'd start to think of yourself as somewhat illiterate. And by God I swear that even in the Narita airport, you can be lost in reading their signs. It's so hard understand their directions. We can be lost. Just... lost.

2. The thing with both countries is, when you're Asian, and you like Japanese food, or even Chinese food, you can live there. The culinary is awesome. And when you're Asian, you'll be fine with the sizes of the hotel bathtub and beds. It's even better if you get yourself used to eat fermented vegetables or any kinds of pickles, really. Just one single thing about you that's not really Asian, even as simple as shoe size, you're doomed. 

Nami Island!

3. Naminara Island should just be named Winter Sonata Island. No, seriously. It's easier for visitors to get a clue of what's ahead of them. So many young couples visit this island and do the sweet things I thought only exists in Korean dramas. But anyway, it's a beautiful island, and imagine it in winter..... Must be a winter wonderland.

4. Japan is so damn clean. Mungkin pertanyaannya, "Sebersih itukah, Rien?" Dan jawaban gue, "Iya, sebersih itu." It seems to me that the Japanese is a little obsessed with cleanliness, because even in the place where you'd expect it to be messy, there are various kinds of trash bins, so in a way, you would have to think before you throw something away. This is not a lie.

Too casual for dinner, eh?

5. If you're a Kpop fan in Seoul, you may lose your voice from screaming too much because people literally put pictures of them everywhere. But if you're not, you'll be just fine. If you're a Kpop fan, you can spend your money on so many Kpop stuffs, but if you're not, buy cosmetics instead. Actually, either you're a Kpop fan or not: When in Seoul, buy cosmetics. Full stop.

6. It's not a myth that Japan is an expensive country. But here's a little story about my relationship with Japan. I knew that I always wanted to go to Japan; in fact it's the only country in the whole of Asia besides India that I really wanted to visit in my life. But I wasn't sure what I want out of it because I don't speak Japanese (one of the things I regretted in life is that I didn't pay enough attention to my Japanese sensei in twelfth grade) and I'm not really into the music, or the fashion, or the manga, or the so-called mysterious culture... And then one of my best friends go to college there and it was hard for me at first to see what's so interesting about Japan. But then I came up there and I saw it for myself and now I understand what all the fuss is all about. I still don't have the way to explain it to you what it is, but now I understand. It's... really cool. So all that expensiveness we were talking about? They can do that. They're cool.

In Asakusa Temple, eating what seems to be Doraemon and Nobita's favorite Shanghai Ice

7. Every place, or things, you hear in Japan, would sound like it's a name written on the menu in your favorite sushi restaurant. When Karl Lagerfeld said that Italy and Japan have the best kitchen in the world, he wasn't kidding. The food is mostly great. On the other hand in Korea, you have to get yourself used to eating Kimchi. They literally serve kimchi in every meal they serve, everyday. And some food would make you lose your appetite, especially the ones with ginseng in it, so be prepared to just stuff your stomach with kimchi and rice. Mark my words, fellas.

8. I think I know why some Kpop stars are so outrageously dressed up, some even dyed his hair blue and every other impossible shades for hair. Because to be fashionable is so common in big cities like Seoul. You have to see it for yourself, because the boys are so pretty with really smooth and silky white skin and they wear the coolest trends I only see in fashion blogs. Amazing. Meanwhile the street style in Japan is pretty much what you see in the media. Not a surprise there. One surprise is probably this: You know when American movies stereotyped Japanese office workers as wearing white collared shirts and black pants? It's true. Almost 90% of the employees in Tokyo that I had a chance to look at was wearing that.

9. Doraemon is still kind of big in Japan. Years and years since he was adorable, it seems like the robot cat is still an icon. And if you wanna learn things about Japan, the easiest way is probably to read comics like Detective Conan, because Doraemon isn't such a good references (Thanks to those who always remind me not to use Doraemon as a reference ^^)

Every tourists must do shameless self photographs, tourists' way :) 

10. After all is said and done, keep this in mind when you're visiting both countries: Generally, they are very friendly and hospitable people, and they have a good relationship with Indonesia too so basically when they know that you're from here, they'd smile. But they can't show it to you because they don't speak your language and not even English, so, always use smile. It's a universal language, everyone understands.

It's a Tradition

Guess what, I don't have anything to say right now. But it has been Anonymous's tradition to have something posted in the holiest of day in Muslim calendar, which means usually I have something to say, but not this time. And traditions, as boring as it sounds, is what defines something; somebody, a family, a clan, a culture, a nation... So what needs to be done, is to make sure it's still going on. I guess what I can say right now is this: I'm flying north tomorrow, and won't be back until the new semester begins. Have a blessed holiday, people. I'm gonna miss you. 

I love you like a fat kid loves cake

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.” 

― Abraham Sutzkever

Yep, that's me. It was the day of my 1st birthday. So I can say it was taken in April 22nd, 1994. Did I look happy? No? Well, I was sort of a grumpy child, even as a toddler. Why, I don't know. Perhaps because I was always in need of more chocolate? I will never know. Did I love the cake? It seems so, because I was always the fat kid who loves cake. I remember that each year until probably my tenth birthday, my mom would go out and buy me customized cake for me to blow some candles on. Maybe because I'm the youngest in my family, everyone seems to have vivid memories of my childhood; something that I can only remember very vaguely. All I know from their story is this: I was pretty much a spoiled kid. That's one of the many perks of being the last born, though. Your father would gladly buy you all the things they have in Toys R Us. Your mother would always, always see you as her baby and loves you as that. Your sisters would keep on thinking that you're this annoying baby who stole their light, and their candies, all the while thinking that you're this magical doll that can smile, laugh, talk, eat.... and unfortunately shouting cries. 

Well, I was very loud as a kid. I cried loudly, perhaps even woke the neighbors. I cried each time my mom was praying Eid. I yelled at people (how bossy). I was grumpy, never really been essentially happy. But even despite all of that, people seem to remember me as this chubby baby who was really silly and really, really annoying. Once, when I still struggled to read, I asked my mom to translate me the whole lyrics to 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'. I used to be very jealous of my big sisters, that every single thing they have, I gotta have one too. I could not go one day without asking my parents what my sister had in her hands. I was pretty spoiled too. Once when I was 6, my mom wanted to see her old friends in Europe, and I wouldn't let her go. So I tagged along, and bringing my ultimate babysitter too: my middle sister. 

On the other hand, I was pretty much a brave kid too. I started kindergarten at 4 years old, and one day, the help wasn't standby in my school but we were let go early. I knew the way home from school, so I decided to go home by myself. Yes, that's exactly what this 5 year old kid can do: going home by herself. In elementary school, I got involved in a lot of fights with the boys, because young boys tend to be so annoying, right? 

Growing up, I was pretty much my maid's kid. She, I mean they, raised me like I was her own kid. Once in kindergarten, I fell off a swing and hurt my knee, so she brought me home and I didn't wanna talk to my mom on the phone. All I wanted was to take a nice nap in my maid's room, that's all. My mom was very concerned with her career when I was little. She had just started out her legal career and was busy as hell. But she didn't want to hire a babysitter for me, so she always brought me along anywhere she went. She brought me to her postgrad classes, to the library. She brought me up to meetings. She brought me to... oh, God knows what else. Sure enough, she had to bribe me with so many chocolates and food to keep me from complaining. So I met a lot of adults, which, in her logic, is the reason why I grew up way beyond my age. Somehow, without so many life experience, I was able to find some wisdom that came from nowhere. By the time I was 8, I have started to write my own fictional stories, and most of them were about grief, death, loss... I mean, I was pretty much a goth! Looking back, writing is the only activity that I've been constantly doing. I have gone back and forth in pursuing every kinds of careers possible in my future, but the only thing I've constantly given a thought of was to be a writer. Of course, it doesn't sound like a real job to my parents' ears, so... Well, let's go back to the things kid in the picture knows.

Of course I can't remember what I knew when I was one year old. Psychologically speaking, everyone had a childhood amnesia by the time they turned 3, so they'd forget everything that happened in their first three years of living. But I know exactly what that kid didn't know. That kid didn't know that life is more than a bar of chocolate. She didn't know that the classes she went to with her mom, she would end up in the same place seventeen years later. She didn't know that there are more friends than just her two big sisters; there are friends, enemies, frenemies, archenemies, ex-friends, good friends, best friends... and lovers. She didn't know that there are so many good books to read, so many great music to listen to, so many places to go to, so many shoes to have, and she would want it all, because she's a girl! She didn't know that life really does imitate art, and for that, at some point in life, dramas would occur. She would grow up watching too many Disney movies and read too many fairy tales, and she didn't know that not all of hopes and dreams can become true, and that at some point, she would have to let them go. God, she knew nothing! It's exhausting trying to list what she didn't know. It's exhausting trying to live the life she would have to lead. It's exhausting. It is. 

Maybe You're My Snowflake

One of the tragedies of human being is that we don't always possess the words that we need to describe what we have. Like some certain feelings that we don't have the name for. But just because we don't possess the name, doesn't mean it's doesn't exist. It's there, staying in your heart during your sleepless nights, your darkest hours, the days when you feel ugly... It's there. But you just can't name it. I wish we can invent names to our feelings like we can name our drinks. Mix them up and make out some exotic name and let people buy it. But we don't invent our feelings, so we can't name them too. What do you call a mix of pride and sadness and missing someone and happiness, all the while you just feel shattered and you want to cry? Seriously, what?

I remember it was the first day of fasting that someone texted at four in the morning, telling me how powerful 90% of my writing is, and how similarly we can feel about some certain things in life, despite us being old friends. And today, I logged in to this account and that certain someone is, again, writing about me in her most recent post. Almost at the same time, another someone also wrote a new post in her blog, quoting one of my old tweets that, thankfully, wasn't copy-pasted from somewhere else. Now, I know that there's a really big chance that they will be reading this post too, so here's what I'm gonna say:

Thank you. Words have failed me to describe how overwhelmed I am with the good things you still have for me. So let me quote the red-haired Brit cutie Ed Sheeran because he sang, "you turn my cheeks the colour of my hair." Well, his hair, at least. I have never been more flattered than I am today because I have you guys. And, both of you were right. Sometimes I feel sad that we're not as close as we used to be. Sometimes I think it was my fault, because I suck in keeping old friends. But, whether we'd like to realize it or not, let's admit that it's one of the symptoms of growing up: we grow apart. I know we don't have to; some people can actually make it to be friends for life. But let's not feel forced to be like them. Let's... get real. If we can't, let's deal with it, and feel okay about not being able to be like them. Of course I still think about you guys as my best friends, maybe for the rest of forever, if you'd allow me. They say people come and go, and sometimes, whether we realize it or not, we left a mark, and it stays with them forever. You are that people to me. Perhaps you don't even know it yet, but let's stop feeling like you've changed nothing in the world because you changed me. Let's continue to inspire each other. Let there be more and more marks in our lives that one day, when we're telling stories to our grandchildren like Ted Mosby do to his kids, they will be able to visit these landmarks that meant a lot to us. Oh God, I'm almost crying writing this. So, before I go all... nangis bombay here, just let me say it again: Thank you. For everything.

Further reading: A Love Letter to a Friend, Growing Apart from Your Best Friend on Thought Catalog

Casablancas

So you let someone into your heart. You let some sort of indescribable, complicated feeling slipped into you. And you like the warmth. You like the comfort it brings you. You like the knowledge that someone out there spends minutes, hours, days, thinking of you. You like that each time they showed you their attention, it means that at least for one second before that, the thought of you had crossed their mind. It's almost like you were a ghost they are not afraid of. They try their best to tell you funny stories, to find something to make you laugh again, because they want to see you happy. But they failed, and you feel sorry, so you faked it. You put on a smile on your face so they don't worry. So they don't worry? Oh yes, because secretly, you care about them too. You feel you're worthy. So you fall in love. So you think it was good, but what good does it make if you're merely a ghost?