That kind of love

“It was the kind of love that, sooner or later, cornered you into a choice: either you tore free or you stayed and withstood its rigor even as it squeezed you into something smaller than yourself.” 

― Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed

Most days, we long for someone to love us deeply, unyieldingly, and without recourse. Sometimes, we are so selfish that we'll do anything, anything, to get someone to love us; even if sometimes we are a little hard to love. But, we accept the love we think we deserve.

Some days, there is a kind of love that terrifies me; the kind of love that is much bigger than we are ever capable of having; the kind of love that is too big for us to bear, that all it ever does is shrinking us into a million tiny molecules. The kind of love that, instead of nurtures—kills. 

Forward

I always consider myself a lucky person. And sometimes, when you're lucky, good things happen to you. And sometimes, when one good things happen, others will follow, so sometimes you will be so overwhelmed with so many good things that you either, a) forget that it's only temporary, or b) you get scared because you start to believe that too much of good things can kill you. No, really. Sugar, for example.

At the start of this year, that's what happened to me. A bit of both, actually. Things started to change course a little while ago, and I can't believe that I'm particularly glad that it did. Because too much sugar can kill, so a little bit of sour and bitter may be good for me, you know?

I like that it did. I like that now my life is pretty much in the normal, balanced pH (it's very good when it's in a product you use on certain parts of your skin), so I believe it must be good. I like that I feel like life is talking to me. Mostly, I like that life reminds me that just when I think I've seen it all, like I've had it all, life can still surprises me. 

Had I stayed where I had been, on my throne much more beautiful than the infamous Iron Throne, I probably won't have this wisdom. I probably won't be able to speak in this manner; the manner of someone who's finally been where people have been. I like the fact that I'm back to land on my own two feet, and having a life realistic enough for people to let me be. I'm glad that I would no longer be the cocky version of myself that some people (including me) would find extremely obnoxious. Because as much as I would like to be back there again someday, I... would prefer to work my way around it, rather than relying on luck. Because even though I believe in luck as a grand factor that can define our lives, it can only get you so far. When you're too overwhelmed in it, you'll drown. And before you lose your ability to swim and float, you gotta go back to the land and walk on it. Because that's how the history always teaches us. Explorers walk (or sail on ships, whatever); they don't swim and drown.

As it is

Mindy Kaling's commencement speech at Harvard Law School Class Day 2014 is basically what I really want to hear at my own graduation--which happened some time ago--and went nothing quiet like it. This speech basically reminds us how really important it is to be educated; to be smart; to be acknowledged by the world for the qualities that we basically had to work on, rather than blessed with. I found this speech to be quiet moving, and it's always refreshing to hear someone who could tell it as it is, had the talent of insulting people without being offensive, and all that was done by a woman who is so confident of herself--and that's because she's so damn smart and sure about what she's capable of.

Hamshira

It's been awhile since my days of reading books got corrupted with reality, and I have to say, it's good to remind myself of who I am and what I like to do, and how reading, more often than not, has helped me to gain perspective in several aspects of life. And what better way is there, to celebrate such moment, other than purchasing a book that had been a rave in many best seller list 7 years ago?

I pretty much believe in NYT's Best Sellers, even though of course, I'd rather pick a book based on the reviews I've read and decide for myself whether it will be suitable for me. I have never read Khaled Hosseini's books before, even though his latest, And The Mountains Echoed, has been out since last year (I have, however, seen The Kite Runner film. It made me wince and cry like a baby) The reason why is a bit stupid, but it's simply because I don't really believe in the big names that major bookstores around the world just put them on the featured shelves by default, despite what the reviews say. I had experienced something like this many times. It's probably because I picked the wrong book, but anyway, I picked A Thousand Splendid Suns because I think I would like it. It's got so many elements that I love from a book. First of all, it's historical fiction, which is my personal favourite; and secondly, because it talks about humanity. It's not about women, it's not about Afghanistan, no. It's about being human and alive during the wartime. It's about something that I have yet to see with my very own set of eyes. It's about something that I can never imagine having. And mostly, it's about learning the choices human have in that time; because I believe that no matter how desperate, we will always have a choice.

It's a tale about love, about Afghanistan, the country that I could only see through my TV screen how very grey and dusty, and ruined, they are. Reading a book like this gave me perspective; that even a country that seems to be mostly in ruins now, who had witnessed so much war, and blood, and rotting bodies, is still a land of paradise to the people. That it is still home, to its people. That once, before weapons and power-hungry men invaded their land, it was a beautiful place to be. It was home. It was a piece of heaven put into the world.

But mostly, it is about endurance. It tells the story of two women from different generation, Mariam and Laila, who endured so much of their life, that they ended up bent in places. That's what happens to people, you know. Human, physically and mentally, was created to endure the things beyond what we could imagine. Even in extreme desperation, we endure. The characters are so vivid; so real, and so alive. There are so many layers in each one of them, it's like they're in 3D. There is no black and white; there is black within white, and white within black, and there are other colours; which is the truth that each one of us secretly holds. No one is a pure saint and no one is purely sinner; do you know how impossible it is to stay extremely right or left?

All in all, I love it. Usually, I finished a book in 3-7 days, or much longer, because, you know, I'm a lazy reader. But it doesn't take me more than 24 hours to finish this book. There is something about the way Hosseini tells his story that is so compelling and bewitching, that I could not even put this book down and let Buzzfeed's fun and brainless stories distract me. It's very enjoyable, and shattered your heart many times, but you'll end up a better person after reading (Okay, that doesn't happen to me, but I suppose it should) Highly recommended, especially for you, hamshira. 

XXI

Officially legal for the most part of the world.

Whispering through the winds

Jan 1st 2014, 12.02 am

Bosphorus Cruise, Istanbul

The night was young
the wind was cold
it hit my face, hard
everyone was drinking Champagne, celebrating
the dock was opened
as I stared into oblivion

Suddenly you felt so close
like the wind brought you near
and I saw you in the distance
among the lanterns and fireworks
even when you're just an illusion
I still whisper to you

Have you been here?
have you stepped on the same soil as me
have you been here while you were here
did you stare into the same sky I did?
Does the same cold wind hit your face hard tonight?

Did you wince as I wince in the cold
did you shiver as the new sun rises
did you rub your fingers together like I did
did you get on the same boat, same body of waters?

Can you hear me whispering, my dear?

picture is my own

The Answer is No

"But the younger generation of fashion assistants and the interns who were my peers still craved beautiful tubes of magical gunk like children in a candy store. We consumed YouTube makeup tutorials like each one was a smiling gob of ice cream and zoomed in with squinted eyes to catch any hint of detailing on runway fingernails. If a hairdo required a maximum of two hands, we’d replicate it, and if a lip color was to be found on the shelves at any cost, we wore it. This isn’t to say that it wasn’t also all about the clothes for us. It’s just that when you’re twenty and dying to own a pair of your favorite designer’s shoes but can only afford the eyeshadow, beauty seems like a very real way to interact with a world that’s still slightly alien."

Amelia Diamond of Man Repeller

Basically the answer to everyone's wonder with my current obsession. And basically, another #firstworldproblem I'm practically whining about.  

Preachy Writer on a Sunday

In a matter of a few weeks, I'm turning legally 21! Exciteddd.

So, before you proceed with reading, let me first warn you that this is one of those occasions where I'm going to be very preachy and talk a bit too much. So if you end up reading anyway, and you'll find that it's taking my tendency to be annoying to a whole new level, I'm just gonna tell you: told you so.

I've longed for the day when any parental consent is no longer required regardless of my actions. I always say I could not wait to grow up; which in part is true, because even though adulthood is scary, and complicated, and constantly nerve-racking, I always think that it is better to be more mature than who you really are than to stay being a kid forever. Because at the end of the day, cuteness ain't gonna pay the bills, honey! (Except if you marry rich, though. But that's not a privilege everybody has, because apparently, not everyone is an investment banker anyway, so.)

Well, not that I'm planning to do anything particularly 'adult', anyway. I've just been waiting for when whatever I say or do is no longer what people would take as a matter of immature whims. I'm probably still gonna make mistake and immature decisions, but at least with being absolutely legal, I can tell everyone that I was legal, and it was my decision, and tell them to back the hell off because it's my life.

I'm writing this post and shamelessly putting my heavily-edited office selfie for one reason and one only: I want to remind you all that, yeah, childhood is comfortable and nice and great, especially for us who were born outside of a war zone and blissfully to a loving family. But before you know it, there will come a day when you're going to wake up at 5 in the morning every weekdays (and some weekends too, perhaps) and pull yourself together, put on some make up, wear some decent (and appropriate) shirt and its combinations that could help you to look like you're taking yourself seriously, and just go to work. At the same station, doing the mostly similar paperworks, with the same regular people and blah blah. Oh, isn't life such a repetition, you might ask? Well, of course it is. 

And you might think that you're too young for this (as I still do), but there is no such thing as starting out too early. Our youth is the best time to start struggling with work; oh you know, long hours of sitting at the same desk, staring at the same computer screen, and making sure that you won't go insolvent by the end of the month just because online stores are your only kind of refreshments during lunchtime. But being young is also the right time to be ambitious---thanks to so much energy and the endless under-appreciation from senior co-workers---it is the time to prove yourself and be very, very selfish and ignorant, and all-around obnoxious, because you have to do yourself a favour and no one is gonna take you seriously if you are the same fun and humble person as you are with your closest peers. 

Awful, huh? Yeah, well... There are other options, really. You don't have to do what I'm doing. I guess I could take other options too, if I intended to. But as Kazuo Ishiguro once said, "There is another life that I might have had. But I'm having this one." I chose to choose it before it chooses me. Before it takes over my life. And before I'm going to start speaking about it with a hint of regret in my voice.

Comme des Garcons

Disclaimer: I never claim myself a feminist, or a woman's activist, or whatever title it is that will label me with whatever it has to do with my gender. As a female, I only talk about womanhood because it is my world, and if you are not a woman, you basically have no rights to talk about what I talk about, or worse, judge me for it. Because if you've never been a woman, you'll have exactly no idea what it's like. You never have the boobs, so stick with your penis or whatever it is that you do best. I will try my best not to talk or judge manhood, or transgenderism or whatever it is that you would like to define you.

We've heard this way too many times before. You know, how they say 'the smarter the woman, the harder it is for her to find the right man' stuffs. Which, in practice, may ring true, because we've seen a lot of unmarried woman are actually very smart, sometimes even a little too smart for her own good. I thought it was just a cliche, though. Because I thought, in an era where girls are found in many cases to achieve higher than boys, our society is finally ready to settle with the idea that, "Women are smart, so let's stop being sexist and thinking that they're inferior just because they were born that way."

As a matter of fact, many people, which include some of the female species as well, won't agree with that.

This guy, whom I know pretty well is an intelligent, ambitious and forward-thinking young man, admitted that he is not looking for a girl who's smarter than him. The problem with him, though, is not his selfishness; it's more of his opinion that women always think that they are right anyway, so it would be a lot more annoying if she is, in fact, right about many things. Which is fine, by the way. To each their own.

Not that girls who can easily find a guy is dumb, no, that's clearly not an acceptable theory. But there should be no shame in being very smart, shouldn't it? In fact, I long for the day to see an investment banker who actually wear bright red blazer and skirt to meet their Wallstreet colleagues and talk about injecting money to some of the most successful public companies---with a nanny holding her baby while doing so. Who's to say that's impossible, in a man's man's world?

So, smart girls out there, hear this out:

Don't stop being the smart girl for anybody. Ever. Someday your kids are gonna thank you for your DNA. Or if you weren't blessed with one anyway, someone would. Or at least yourself, because one day you'll have enough money to pay your own cosmetic bills (God forbid they can be very expensive!!!). Keep being smart. The world is this way because we cherish so many imperfections and flaws but won't deal with smart people who could actually help make the world a better place. Do your best. I wish I were your kind of smart, too. 

Mindy Mind

“If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.” 

Mindy Kaling deserves to be labeled as a legend --- the least being phenomenon --- thanks to her being one of the most relatable woman in Hollywood today. She is smart and funny and overall, honest, about who she is and what she isn't. It's no longer the right time to tell the world how you only keep on drinking water and thinking positively to change the shape of your jawline (if I were a doctor I sure would challenge that theory scientifically). It's the time to be honest about who you are; even if you're not exactly the kind of extrovert that Mindy Kaling is. She was, after all, a nerd. And she admitted it; never feeling ashamed or the need to hide it. It's the time to be honest how you've been the victim of racism, or that you are secretly a racist too, and how you always failed to subscribe to the idea of standard beauty recognised by the society today; I mean, it's really the time to see people way beyond their looks. It's no longer the time to talk on the internet about how you feel weird seeing an Indian woman kissing all the hot, white men on her own TV show, and it's surely no longer the time to stop admiring how hard it is to be her kind of girl just because she is of South Asian descent, not a size 2, and because you were disturbed by the idea of she was not cut out to be your standard leading lady of Hollywood, because otherwise, who's the racist one now?

P.S: Start loving Mindy, here. I would suggest you to watch the entire interview, though. It's very exhilarating.