When was the last time?

I don't believe in "you just know."

What an awful answer that is. "How do you know?" "You just know."

My problem with that is: You never actually know. You could be wrong. Or, you could be right that you do know, but somehow it's not reciprocated.

I don't believe in "soulmate."

It's just a lazy word for explaining how things just work, how compatible they are, and how two people can see themselves willing to tolerate each other.

My problem with that is: If there are soulmates in this life, mine should have been you. But I don't think that we'll ever get any closer than that.

I don't think that we'll ever look at each other in the eye and feel equally relieved that, against all odds, we found each other.

And I don't know, do I? All I know is that I can't remember the last time I looked at someone and thought to myself, will you just look at him?

Because, God.

Your warm smile.

Your intoxicating laugh.

Your sense of humour.

Your mild sarcasm.

Your soothing voice.

Your eyes. On me.

. . .

If there was ever such a thing as soulmate, and how you know that is "you just know" ... Then you are mine. You should be mine. Because I just know.

But you're not, are you?

Fantasy Girl

Everyone's got one. It's a tale as old as time, and everyone's got one.

We will always have each other's backs. We will always want to talk to each other after a rough day. We will always want to make each other laugh, and stop each other from weeping. We will always want to fight the bad guys who tend to ruin our days. We will always want to see each other in each of our own big days. We will always love each other. We'll always be in the same team. And when something's going on, we'd like to tell each other about it. We wish we could be there to witness it together. And thought that had we been there at the same time, it could be more awesome. Like nothing's cool without you and me.

Everyone's got that one person. Everyone's got the Robin to their Ted, and a Ted to their Robin. But just like them, it really doesn't mean that we should be together.

We will always have something that brought us together, a force though invisible but still very hard to be ignored. But we were not planted from the same seed. We are not rooted to the same core. We got entangled in so many ways, but when it comes to the basics, we're just never the same person. We will always want different things. Things that are very principal; almost non-negotiable, and if they were, we would be less of the person we'd fallen in love with. What we want is never to share a life together. It's always more about sharing two lives together, and so that means we just shouldn't live in the same life. Because we might be great at crossing paths; but it's just impossible for us to walk on the same path together. We might be great for short-term visions, but our long-terms don't have a future.

So, you're my Ted. The always amorous, sweet, classic melancholic Ted. And, I can always be your Robin; like the bird robin, I will always wanna fly without baggages. Maybe someday I would like to retire flying and just watching the others bird fly from the land, but even when that day comes, I won't be with you. We probably will still talk and say how we miss each other every day. But you and I, were never built to be in the same life together.

The Person Behind The Mask

Sometimes I think I know you so well. I know you're this cheerful, witty and constantly off the wall kind of person. And when you're being that, it makes me feel happy because you are, well, happy. Your life is so full of colors that's bright and shiny. But then you could've just showed me another side of you—the you who's profound, grim, deep and thoughtful. The you that's the complete opposite of who I thought you are. The you that's dark, as if I thought you were a sunny day in Maui while deep inside, you're a cold, cloudy dusk in snowy Greenland. And that's when I feel sad, because... Because I feel like I was wrong about you. Like all these times I spent trying to get to know you, figuring out what you are and what you're not, was a waste of time.

But it's true what they say, that before you judge on people, you have to be strong enough and make a fair play: judge yourself first. And the judgement came, and truth is, I'm a lot like that, in a lot of ways.

A lot of people thought of me as this person who don't get sad over anything. They thought I'm one of those person who has a smile available all the time. They thought I was only capable of being lighthearted and cheery. They didn't expect me to be able to write about things I write here, because they didn't even know that I have certain parts of the brain that allows me to have a depth. It's because I seem to be shallow all the time, I know. And perhaps the big reason for that is because I let myself to be like that. But I didn't mean to hide the me that have some kind of depth—the me that feels, rather than smile and make a joke about it. I wouldn't rather let people think I'm cheerful than grimy, no. I'd rather let people have their opinions about me, and when they found something that didn't meet their expectations about it, they'd be surprised. I'd prefer that storyline.

You see, maybe that's exactly what you wanna do. You want to surprise people. You want the universe to surprise people, rather than putting on an effort in order to let people know who you are, and what you are capable of. Because whether I do it unconsciously or not, that's what I do. And that's what I want, I don't wanna be blamed for that. So, I don't blame you. In fact, I like that about you. I like people who surprises people without even trying. 

So you see, each one of us hides a personality that didn't seem to fit; one that didn't seem likely for us to have simply because they say, "That's so not you." Sure, each one of us has a personality traits that can describe us individually. But I believe that everyone has more than one personality, and therefore everyone shouldn't be described in only one adjective. Because chances are, that one girl who always seems to be so serious, is indeed a comic writer, or a party animal at night. And perhaps that one guy who's childish and funny and humorous, is a serious thinker; the brain behind the propaganda. It's not a double personality disorder, it's just depth.