20

I've always been waiting for my turn to start my twenties. I cannot wait to grow older. And enjoying it. 

Can't Help Falling In Love With You

"You know what, I believe in God. I believe in His power to create the best possible life for me. I believe in His mighty ability to help us all from darkness, and that He was always the light that we stick into the dark when the night gets too gloom for us to see. I always believe in Him. But then you came. Life happens. And we don't get to choose who we fall in love with. So without knowing, I fell in love with you, and that's when I thought... God, You could do better. I'm pretty sure He knows that I can't like you. And that you can't like me either. So why do I have to meet you in the first place? Why do I have to know you? Why do you exist in this world? Can't He choose a better world for you to live in? I can't like you, no matter how badly I wanted to. They say when you want something, you gotta want it bad enough. But I did. I wanted you so, so bad, but it's still impossible. There are things you can't change no matter what you do, like the weather, the past, and so on, and this is one of those things. It's not my past, or my current situation, and nothing related to the future, but it is necessary to stop any calamity that might results from my failure to control my feelings. It is necessary, not for me, not for you, but for the rest of population. You see, I'm a hero, in my very own way. Do not laugh about it, because I actually dried my tear glands to reach the point where I can think clearly about this matter. So you see, I like you. It's a lot like love, actually, but if that 65 year old man who's been married for decades have no idea about love, who am I to say that I love you? I strongly hope that you don't feel the same way for me because... Because it will be easier for me than if you feel otherwise. But hey, if you do feel the same way, this is me trying to make sense of this ugly truth about us. My shoulders have shuddered from crying but now I'm strong enough to do this, so please bear with me. Be strong for me. Pretend that you don't feel it, because at least that way I could think that you didn't have to go through the same shit I do. At least I would know that there's no sleepless nights, river of cries or stupid, angry emotions that you experienced because let me tell you: it's terrible. I know because I've been there. I know, because... Because you make me. No, scratch that. Because God wants me to know you. God wants me to know that there's still someone like you out there; someone who (probably) likes me back, but knows his every boundaries and is sane enough not to fight for me because God knows had you asked me to run away with you, I would. Because if there really is a parallel universe, I would still choose you. And if there really is another life, I would STILL stubbornly choose you. God teaches me fortitude through you; that there are things that cannot be, that being thankful doesn't always mean because I can get what I want. Sometimes gratitude comes from not getting the one (and only) thing I always wanted. Like you. So, thank you. Thanks for coming into my life. I will not regret it."

PS. You're never gonna ask me this so let me do it: Run away with me. 

Victory A

Melbourne, Victoria, AU

 March 2013

And You Were There

I have never made it a secret that I always wanted someone so specific and unrealistic, that I thought they'd only live in my imagination. Because someone who has the capacity to deal with my insanity and my weird being and simply my entire existence would only equal to my mom or dad. But as if I had been blind while struggling to see, just in time when I stopped looking, you were there. You were there, with hands wide open and a smile so beautiful as if telling me, "Your search is over. I'm right here." You should see the look on your face. You don't know how lovely you are. 

I Just Wanna Be There When The Lightning Strikes

Someday we'll walk the streets of Paris together

Futurama

The agony of thinking that graduation is so very near is inevitable. I'm a junior in college, and no plans on extending beyond the senior year so far. Hopefully. It is only a matter of months before I had to leave all of these college attributes behind and start my baby steps toward what seems to be such a big and broad life. And it is only now, sadly, that I realized the future has left me scared shitless, with no clue or manual handbook whatsoever as to how to survive the wilderness called real life. And this article has beautifully put my thoughts about graduating in a single post. And really, like him, I'm scared. I'm so scared of a lot of things, and not to mention a little feel sorry about myself. Because it is only now that I realized I have missed so many great moments, so many big opportunities that I could've taken. It is only very recently that I found out how short my time in college is, and there will be things and opportunities that I wouldn't be able to do when I'm no longer a student. And I wondered, where have I been? Why was I always too busy doing the things that now seems so small to me? I can't say that I don't regret it, not exactly. I don't regret my choices entirely, but I have to say that, I can hear my heart whispering, "You could've done better, you know?" However, I believe that we are the results of every road we took, every choices we made, and every opportunities we didn't take. Not everyone can have the same story, the same pride, and the same experience, and that these differences shouldn't be an important matter. Life should be enough for me; for you and for everyone. Always wanting to be like someone else, always wishing your life could be different, and always regretting every chances you missed would only put you in greater agony. So here's to a life without a manual book. Here's to a life, where you could only learn to swim after they drowned you in the sea. 

When you said "Be right back", that's when I cry. I want you to be right, but I don't want you back. 

A-hole

I had to decide this on my own because, I'm sorry, but you were being an asshole. You were being the jerk that, sadly, I always knew you could be. All I want is to tell you the truth. No sugar-coated facts, nothing was made up just to make it sounds better when it really didn't. I want you to understand how bitter and hard it really is for me. Because I thought that's what you always did. And back then I didn't judge you. I didn't call you an idiot. I didn't smack you on the face with the truth that I actually had. I didn't really let you know what I think about it because I know it would hurt, and I'm done hurting. I want to practice being kind instead of being right. But I guess, like all things, you don't understand it. You don't get it. You could do the things that I never asked, but you're always incapable of doing the things that I demanded you to do. I guess it's hard for you to understand me, because we don't live life based on the same part of the human brain. But that's alright, too. I had come to the conclusion that I have to decide, and therefore I decided that I should jeopardize what we have. It will be hard for me. I guess. But I had to choose, and I chose me.

I didn't owe you

This is why I have spent days (and nights) trying to spare me some distance from you. I needed the space so I can try to find out what it is that always seems a bit off; that never quiet fill what's supposed to be filled. I'm not sure you will understand this, but I have lived my entire life on things that aren't meant to be rational. I don't understand probably 80% of things that happened in my life, or the faith that I keep, or the belief I believe, and yet I can still live. And there's nothing wrong with that, because I am not entitled to explain myself, or my life, to anyone. I didn't owe anybody anything. I don't even owe you and explanation. I can just go, trust my instincts and live my life the way I have always done. 

When I'm awfully low

Being sick means I can lay in my bed all day, curl up under the blanket beneath my shivering skin and the wound up bones that hurting every inch of my being. Being sick means I can live in my pajamas all day and ignoring baths and still be socially-accepted (at least at home). Being sick also means that I can sort of shamelessly feel deserving of people's attention, even if it's only a simple get well soon. And lastly, being sick also means you can whine about it all day and everyone will feel bad for you, instead of, you know, judging you for feeling like the most miserable person in the world.

No, I'm not trying to romanticize the truth about being sick, nor am I trying to say that I like being sick (because I HATE IT). I'm writing this to remind you of the details that you might forget to enjoy while you're bedridden with flu and has a face like boiled prawns. I'm writing this to support the idea of seizing the day, even when your right to being healthy and fit to go ouside was taken away from you.