Leave Me Be

So here we are. It's your station, and you should go. I won't hold you back. 

I'm not loving you the way you want me to. Heck, I'm not even loving you the way I wanted to.

You should fly the way birds fly; free and happily.

Puppy Love

First loves are funny. They weren't meant to be so serious, were they? And yet, you will always remember them dearly, as if they left this special mark on your heart because they stepped on it with such might that it will always be there, no matter what the future may hold. 

Here's the story. Yesterday I met someone, who I have to say, was certainly I never expected to see again since the last I saw him. He was the first person that I've ever been romantically attracted to. Was it puppy love? I don't know, maybe. Maybe something less serious than that. But I remember being 5 years old and he was 6, and we were always in a certain competition to be the smartest in class for the next 6 years. He used to be this cute little boy who's smart and good in sports, and, during the last few years of elementary school, was every girl's secret crush.

Basically, I just think that it was the moment that we'd like to call serendipity. A fortunate incident. Why, well, because the last time I actually talked to him was... back in elementary school days. And we've been in somewhat the same college for three years now, never having bumped into each other, not even once. But then that very day, my very last day of the sixth term, our stars were crossed, and... "IS THAT YOU?!" moment happened. Nothing has been funnier than this so far. I mean, what are the chances, huh?

So, first loves are funny. Of course we've moved on, sure. That was a very long time ago. But they left a mark. I don't know whether you'd like the mark they left on you, but they did, and not so many people in your childhood can do that. It kind of makes me proud knowing that he's the person he is today, I mean, the 5 year old me would've been proud of what he's able to do today. And why am I writing this? Well... I don't know. Because a serendipity deserves a post, just as much as it deserves one great romantic movie starring Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack. And also, because it was so funny and totally take me back in time... in a good way :)

Forgetful Lucy

Someone asked me very recently a question that is almost unanswerable; not because there was a wrong variable in the question, but more because it's just impossible to answer one. The question was this: How do you try to forget someone you like?

It's not as hard as answering to the questions such as how to stop the war in Gaza, or how to cure AIDS  or something like that. And it's also not something that scientists and professors tirelessly working in the lab or discussing with their fellows to solve. It's just something that perhaps, they too, have problems with.

Well, what was my answer to that question? I don't know. I'm not really in the capacity to answer that question as if I'm an expert. Truthfully, I don't think I ever chose 'forgetting' as my coping mechanism, so I don't know what it takes for one to forget someone they've been romantically linked to.

But maybe, well, just maybe. We don't. We don't try to forget. Trying to forget would only means remembering even more, doesn't it? And that's not really what we're aiming for. I think forgetting would happen the same way moving on does. They just happen. You had to undergo some really rough journey, feeling tortured each day you wake up, knowing that that person still owns a (special) place in your heart. And you wonder why. Why you had to have feelings for them. Why not everyone can have the luxury to have that on-and-off buttons in their hearts. Or why don't the freaking genius scientists work on a forgetting pills so that people don't have to go through the misery of trying to forget about someone. But then one day, without you even realizing, you have gone the whole week without thinking about them, be it because you're busy or just because you forgot. Yay!

The Great Audrey Hepburn once said that happiness is a short-term memory. That might be true. But even if you were born with this amazingly long-term memory, it doesn't mean you can't forget. Once, you had a childhood amnesia, which resulted in you not remembering the first two or three years in your life. Hear me out. You don't have to forget. Sometimes, to stop thinking or feeling, or whatever it is about something of someone, you don't have to forget. Sometimes all it takes is the acceptance that, well, you and them can't happen. End of story. You don't forget, you just make peace with that part of yourself. It takes time, sure. But so does everything else, even getting you out of your mother's womb takes time, so wait for it. And in the meanwhile, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless, keep breathing.

Self-Disclosure

picture by wirrow

I wish coming clean about something, be it the bitter truths, or feelings, or simply just what's on our minds, could be easy. Especially if it's supposed to affect someone else, because they need to know, you know? No, actually, they deserve to know. It's only easy for people who, a) has some crazy balls, and b) don't have feelings. Life is short and it would be unwise to not give yourself the kind of disclosure it craves. I guess like everything, it takes time for us to summon all the strengths and just go forward. But the question is, how long would they wait for you?

Family

“What qualifies someone as a hero? Obviously a hero has to be someone who we respect, a person we look up to, a person who is generous of spirit, who is willing to grow and learn. Maybe it is the person who you love most in this world or the guy who makes the most out of life, no matter what anyone thinks. For me though, the hero in my family is my family because of who we are together.”

-Modern Family

We live in a society that has no mercy. There are standards we must live up to and sanity is a luxury. We come out of work with broken bones, wounded hearts and tired souls. At the end of the day, we are damaged goods. But there's a group of people, whom we were taught to call family, that we have always take for granted during the high times. 

They are the people who's willing to nurse your wounds. They will try to ignite your bones, and they will be the best people to help feed your soul. Sure, we all have this love-hate relationship with our families. We have some problems along the way, and some of us are not so lucky to have the kind of family that actually nurtures your worn out self. But they are family. There are questions you would like to ask, from why would they sit at dinners with you to why they'll come to your graduation day; and there will always be one answer: Because we're family. 

That is what families do. We screw up all the time. But our family will always stay where they are, making sure that nothing bad ever happened; you just had bad dream. We screw up, and we feel sorry, but see what they'll tell you instead? "You can always come back home." 

Family forgets. Family stays together. Family just needs to show up and say nothing to make you feel better. And family is your home.

L is for the way you look at me

There is a reason why it is very hard for me to open up to you.

It's not because I don't want to, or because I'm not ready. And I am not pushing you away. The reason why I do what I do is because I have lived without you before, and my life was good, and I'm afraid that once I let you in, you'll change everything for me.

Because you have the power to do so. You're probably unaware of it, but it's certainly there. I'm afraid that once you're here, I would really enjoy it... until you're not there anymore. I don't wanna wake up one day just to realize that you're gone. That you won't be here anymore. That you, just like everybody else, have left.

I don't wanna get used to your presence, not because I don't want you, but more because I don't wanna get hurt. I know what it feels like to be vulnerable, and just like everybody else, I don't like it. Our mistakes have a tendency to make us learn, but they also tend to make us traumatic over the changes in the course of our lives. One day you will realize that I'm a mess; and I'm probably a mess that you don't wanna clean up.

Love takes courage, and to love at all one must put on their brave suit. I don't know when I will take the chance and give you the key. I don't know if you would still be there when I will. But you have to know that I don't fear love; I only fear the possibility that you may go someday, and you won't take me with you.

They don't live like Jack and Sally

Oh, come on. How can you not enjoy the sight of it? 

Act of Valor

Courage. Bravery. Valor. Grit. Whatever you may choose to define fearlessness, they are pretty strong words, right? They make you wanna rip your heart out so that you stop listening to all those fears haunting you from the inside. But they are not the words used to define the absence of fear. In truth I always find true grit in the ones who have every rights to breakdown and cry; to hang themselves up the ceiling or jump right into a lion's cage. They are the people who found courage in between all the hopelessness. They faced their fear and found that it's stronger than them, but they went through it anyway. Half-dying, but not dead. There is always unrecognized strength that let them walk through life as a warrior. The force that lets them know that they can always win. And they will. 

One can keep a secret

Don't tell them all your secrets. For one day you will wake up and realize that everyone's got a piece of you; while you have nothing.

Hate is a Strong Word

The opposite of hate is probably love, but love is not even a word as strong as its counterpart.

I don't hate people who make their way around being snobbish. I don't hate people who lie. I don't hate people who play dirty. And I don't always hate people who treat me wrong.

I hate people who make me feel bad about myself. And those who make me treat myself badly.

I know this person who was once in the position to be considered my friend. We were friends, not necessarily good friends, but friends nonetheless. One day, I made the mistake of agreeing to get involved with this person even further; the mistake that I never plan to take but did anyway. And time after time, I grew tired of their antiques. It was not until then that I realized I was not made to be friends with them. I was not even made to tolerate them, because they are just horrible, and I might also come off as being detestable to them. It was a lose-lose situation. And we were just stuck. There was no way of turning back, as there was also no way of stopping in the middle of the road. It was basically a nightmare for each of us. That's when I realize that I hate this person. Hate is a strong word, but I feel like there should be a stronger word I could use to explain how I feel.

Hate corrupted my soul, my life, my entire being. Hate consumed all the cheeriness and the good in me. When I think about the time I had to spend with that person, I see a terrible person. I became such a terrible person, someone that I can't be proud of... Someone that doesn't even look like me. Emotionally speaking, I was a monster. I was not me. I may not be such a nice person in general, but back then I was horrible. How many times do I have to say that? And I hate myself. I lost respect in myself and I couldn't think of a better day. It was almost like going to fight in a war with myself, in which I cannot win. I hate myself, and for that I hate that person entirely.

That person didn't treat me badly, no. Yes, they were kind of a jerk, but who isn't? We were all born a little bit of a jerk and a bitch inside. But they were just bad for me, that's all. Not everyone was made for you just as much as you weren't made for everyone. This is why they say someone isn't bad for you because of the way they treated you, but more for the way they make you feel about yourself. 

So here's my point in case I confuse you with my writing: Hate is necessary. Sometimes. But it is bad for you. Here's the catch: heroin and morphines are also bad for you, and yet doctors still inject it into you when you most need it. So, it's not always bad, you know? You could use the emotion. As long as you keep it to the healthy amount, it's good for you. As of for me, I only let it go as far as to the people who make me feel bad about myself. Your life isn't some punk rock music. You don't have to scream hatred every where you go. But your hate towards someone can teach you that you know better of yourself. You can choose what (or who) is good or bad for you. You are big enough to be selective of what worth keeping in your life and what not. And at the end of the day, you can be genuinely thankful of the people who make you feel loved; people who don't make you feel worthless or stupid or simply ugly. You deserve to always feel good, at least about yourself.