There is Only One Tree Hill

One Tree Hill takes an enormous place in my heart, that is irreplaceable and will forever be the light that ignite my bones. Every now and then, there are hard times coming onto my life and I thought to myself, "What would Brooke Davis do?" I've just finished the last season, and above is Gavin DeGraw performing the song that has been the show's trademark soundtrack, and the only thing missing from their last season is Peyton Sawyer. Well, but still, they do know how to throw a farewell. I cannot write a long, beautiful post to describe what it means to see them getting their happy ending. There isn't a word that I know that can help me to define it. So, here's to a long 9 years of moving, inspiring series. Thanks for giving TV a meaning. Good night, One Tree Hill.

“Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.”

source

I live for the summer

Let's go, baby

I wonder if you've ever felt this way. Like you're living in a tiny world it's sickening? You know exactly what the people in it is doing, you know what they'll say when you walk past them in the street, and you know when they're wearing new clothes? When you close your eyes, it's this place that first come into your mind, and not much else. You feel like you live in a birdcage, and everything is so predictable, it's too comfortable, and unbelievably... mundane. That is my cue to having a holiday. I don't care if next week is my final exam. I don't give a fuck about whatever it is I suppose to give a fuck to. I used to worry about the big things, like graduating soon or some fucked-up, boring thoughts like that. But I guess I grew up, and so fed up with lots of self-deprecating shit I bring to myself, and now I stopped worrying. Worrying is a waste of the limited time we have in life, and now I realize, that more than anything, I don't wanna grow up to be the kind of boring, small-minded person that I could be had I not known to help myself. I used to be very ambitious that I forget to enjoy all the luxury of life that I could have. But that's about to change now, and I don't even consider taking summer class. So here's what I suggest we do: Change a lifestyle. Do small things that make you happy. Find yourself before somebody else does. And as of for me, I'd do anything, even if it means doing it alone. Have a good summer. Go somewhere exotic. Put the pictures in Facebook and make people talk about your Roman holiday. Spam your friends' Twitter timeline with them. Let them envy you. You will never get any younger than who you are today. So live it. 

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Don't believe people. Not when they're newer than your Converse shoes. Not when they're currently closer than your mother. Not when they write to you more intensely than your childhood best friend. Not when the love can be more platonic than romantic. Not if, they show you the slightest bit of affection simply because they want so much more from you in return. Don't confuse love with madness. Don't fall in love because you want to. Don't. 

Helena Bonham Carter

Now this, is the woman we must all look up to

19

Hi! Isn’t April such a beautiful moment to admire spring that has come through your door?

You know me. I always make a post to remark my birthday, and they’re usually short or just simply sweet, but it’s gonna be long and a bit touching, not to mention precious. So, caution: precious contents.

I’m turning 19 this year, and I have to say, it’s probably one of the sweetest birthday ever. I don’t know, I always say that every year because mostly I forgot how sweet last year’s celebration felt, but it does feel like my sweetest birthday ever. You see, I have spent the last six weeks with the same group of people who call themselves The A-Team, talking and practicing technically the same thing day by day, night after night, and we have come to know each other so well after so much tears and laughs and dramas shared together. And the first minute of my birthday was spent in a medium-sized karaoke room with a bunch of new family-like friends singing happy birthday with a chocolate cake and four small candles lit on top of it. Six weeks is probably a short time to get to know someone, let alone 15 people, but family is the word I'm gonna use to define these people.

We had so much fun. Too much, maybe, because at the end of the day, when we’ve come to the place where normal people should be sad and crying because we lost the battle, we didn’t! Instead, we want much more fun, like it was the drug to kiss the pain away. Heck, maybe we didn’t even feel pain for the slightest (well, there was, a bit. but it wasn’t a big deal at all.)

Pardon my mixed language in this post. I don’t know how to make it more sincere without writing it the way my mind works, so, here it is...

Inmoot itu buat gue rasanya kayak... I don’t know, tapi yang jelas, now that it’s over, ini rasanya familiar banget. Rasanya kayak hari di mana gue landing di Bandara Soekarno Hatta setelah homestay di London dan jalan-jalan eurotrip summer 2008 yang lalu. I don’t know how to explain it, tapi yang jelas rasanya... lebih banyak takut dan bingungnya, karena sejujurnya pasti awalnya akan bingung, “What would I do without them? What would my days be?” Just a little rewind, dulu gue jam 3 pagi baru pulang dari airport dan jam 6 pagi udah sampe di sekolah lagi, sekolah yang sama dengan yang udah satu tahun gue tempati, tapi gue cuma bisa bengong dan merasa sedikit stres karena gatau harus ngapain selain karena masalah jetlag, tapi juga rasanya aneh berada di tempat yang penuh dengan aura yang sudah lama ga dirasakan lagi.. Well, ini ga akan se-ekstrim itu sih, but what upsets me is probably... not knowing how I’m supposed to overcome the feeling of missing latihan inmoot bareng The A Team. To explain The-A-Team and my birthday, I'm gonna divide this post into some parts, in hope that you'd get the flow of the story.

• Sunday, April 22nd.

We lost the competition to the team that ended up being champion, and everyone was worried about us. They gave us wise words, quotes that will calm us down and motivational wisdom just to not let us drown in sorrow. But like I said, we are so strong, as strong as the real The A Team, WE DID NOT CRY. Not a single tears was shed, and instead, we... I don't know, we went a little more nuts than ever that Saturday, and at night we went out for dinner, to eat the food we weren't allowed to have during practice, and after that, KARAOKE NIGHT! Awalnya cuma 2 jam, dan tiba-tiba ditambah jadi 3 jam. I was already losing my voice that night, but at the karaoke, I didn't care. We sing, we dance... but we don't steal things. Tepat jam 12 malam, in a somehow not so surprising way (I'm so hard to surprise, by the way) Diaz dan Ncek masuk ke dalam ruang karaoke membawa kue dengan lilin. Tapi... lagu Happy Birthday yang udah disiapin di list tiba-tiba hilang, dan yang play justru lagu Happy Birthday Ten2Five yang nggak se-happy birthday itu, tapi liriknya...well...entah kenapa saat itu cukup bikin terharu sih... Thanks a lot people, you make the first minutes of my birthday completely beautiful. Okay, about the karaoke... it was a bit wild, thanks to Manda and Astrid semoga laku terus yah di malam-malam lainnya :) Selesai karaoke jam 2 pagi, mau ke parkiran malah harus muterin satu mall lewat parkiran... Dan tampak sangat gila. Sangat sinting. Curiga di dalam cake-nya ada ganjanya sih haha. 

Well, I don't wanna bore you with a series of things that are only memorable for me and my team, but the highlight is, secara tiba-tiba setelah gue pulang dari birthday dinner sama keluarga yang membuat gue harus melewatkan beberapa momen besar dalam rangkaian acara inmoot, semua anggota tim mendadak unyu... sampe gue ga kuat buka BBM. No, seriously. The more they talk about it, the more they show how proud and sad and happy they are, the more I feel like I wanna cry. It’s not the kind of cry that means I’m sad, but I’m just... I don’t know, maybe I’m just upset. But I’m not sure what upsets me.

Let's just say we had a good time that night

Oh hi girls from my team!

This is just hilarious

When it comes to looks, nothing can bring us down

Pejabat much? 

Oh hi, Riri!

Berkas The-A-Team!

They have enriched me with a lot more happiness and a lot more things to be grateful for, and most importantly with a lot of vocabularies that no one will gets. It's like we have developed our own language or something.

Our mentors, Mba Citta & Mba Icha

I have to thank our mentors, Mba Citta & Mba Icha, for their full dedication, for their guidance, their much... help. Mba Icha, I just want you to know that it's an honor to know that I remind people of you, to make them think I was your sister, and to learn a lot from you. I'm so proud of you, and I hope forever we can be kakak adek ketemu gede. Mba Citta, we went to the same high school and we have never been closer than in these 6 weeks, and I have to say I have grown to admire a lot of things from you. We could never find a better mentor, sorry we didn't make it to the finals, but we love you, and forever you will always be our mentors :')

CHIBI!!!!!!

Six boxes of jumbo pizzas, anyone?

Majelis Hakim Yang Paling Mulia!

 Dear Astrid dan Ganis hakim-hakim anggotaku yang paling kece, sesungguhnya sedih karena kita nggak akan baca berbagai macam putusan dengan beragam versi bareng-bareng lagi. But like I said the other day and way above in this post, to me, the bonus of this mooting is not about winning, but it's having partners like you, who were so cooperative and so helpful that means everything to me. I have to say I'm a bit sad that we didn't win Majelis Hakim Terbaik, but to have been sitting between the two of you for 6 weeks was a great honor. Terima kasih untuk kerja samanya yang mengharukan, bisikan-bisikan setan nggak penting yang sangat lucu dan menyenangkan... I'm a proud Hakim Ketua :')

THIS. 

• Tuesday, April 24th 2012

So, my best buddies threw me a surprise two days after my real birthday. Based on past experiences and the aforementioned karaoke night, I thought I was so hard to surprise. I thought  was too cool to be astounded by a little surprise. But my best buddies taught me the other way. No matter how smart I thought I am, they can still surprise me with cakes and Pepsi splashed all over my body. I got dirty, but, there's nothing more beautiful than a late birthday surprise. It was really surprising. It really was. I don't have pictures of that day, sorry I can't put them here, guys :(

And actually, it's one of my best buds too that make a tribute picture in honor of my birthday that people use in Sunday. It's hilarious. I'm not gonna put that here.

In other words, I’m glad I’m getting my life back. Maybe not entirely but most of it. But in a lot of ways, I feel so sad because... I’m losing the life that I’m getting so much used to in the last 6 weeks. I hope I’m never gonna lose the people that I knew in those times, never gonna lose the memories, and never gonna lose the adorableness we have together. Thank you for the most remarkable 6 weeks ever! Thank you for the very, very sweet 19th birthday! Thank you! I love you!

They can't take what's ours

I can't believe that today, well, it's 1 in the morning, so let's just say tomorrow, will be the last chance that I will ever claim you someone I know, someone I can claim as somehow related to me. I don't know why I can't sleep or think straight, I can't read my textbooks without thinking about how big tomorrow will be. I know I shouldn't. Learning from past experiences, the days that I expected the most will be the most anticlimactic day ever. But I just can't help it. Anyway, I never learn. That's just one thing you gotta know about me. You know what, it took me a very long time to realize that it might real. I was always in denial; and I'm getting even better at it. It's not healthy, but that's what I do. I'm in denial even when I don't need to. I've got a really good self-defense, that I just simply don't let things happen to me. But for you, I let my guard down. It's too late, but... this is the only thing I can do. My only regret is not because it's too late. My only regret is that I couldn't find out from much earlier, while there was still plenty of time. Now the time is running out, and I still can't find a way to do it, and... it's all useless. I don't know why I always do this. I don't know why it was always someone who has to go. But that's my issue, so you don't really have to mind. But really, there's only one thing you need to know: I do, and I did have the courage but my another issue is that my self-defense always get in the way. I feel sorry for myself that there are days when I woke up in the morning and I just thought of something, and I trusted them too much. I didn't think that maybe it was a half-conscious mind speaking, and I was stupid for believing in it. I know you're not gonna read this, but I hope someday you will be able to know that I do, and I was stupid, and I regret it. I wish you well. I wish you well. I hope it's not our farewell.

"Dexter, I love you so much. So, so much, and I probably always will. I just don't like you anymore. I'm sorry."

— David Nicholls

Folk tales sung by the birds

You started it all in Amsterdam. I wish you didn't have to pass me by on your lovely bike, ornamented with carnations on both ends. I wish you didn't have to stop to ask me whether I needed to ask someone for the train to go to Rijk's Museum. I can read maps, you know? Clearly you underestimated me. But I can't believe I gave up to the temptation of stealing someone's bike from one of the corner of the streets, and followed you down there. But oh boy, was the cheap ice cream the only thing I got. Rijk's was closed; you said Van Gogh wasn't ready to see me. I can't believe I laughed. But you deserved it anyway.

I hated Paris. The Eiffel tower is merely a landmark for me; everything is always related to Napoleon, and he was not even a nice guy, why are they so proud of the man who was not genetically French at all? But there, right on the deck of one of those Seine boats, you told me your own version of Notre Dame, and your own version of how Sacre Coeur was built, and the real story about how you broke up with your high school sweetheart in Pont Neuf during the sunset. We agreed that people were wrong about Paris, it's only great for its pretentiousness. But we agreed that people were right about something: Paris does things to people. Things that are so magical, you didn't even know they exist.

"Why are we in Bruges?" I asked.

"So that you remember, fairy tales came from the minds of people who live in the real life. This is the closest that we can be to fairy tales, and I want you to still believe in them. One day, you will be old enough to start reading it again. Yeah, that was C.S. Lewis, though." and you laughed.

I couldn't believe we have the same favorite spot in Lucerne, or Luzern, as the natives call it. I was never fluent in Latin, and you translated the words carved on the monument, the story behind it, and what Mark Twain had to say about the lion. I wish you didn't have to explain them to me. I wish you didn't have to stare at the lion the way I stared at it; at least you could've done it some other time, some place other than next to me. As we walked back to a less sheltered place than the monument, you told me one thing I will always carry in my boots, "Don't confuse love with madness."

I don't know how we decided to go to the Spanish Steps on a Saturday evening. It was full of people; people who awaits for their friends, people who were hipster enough to hang out there, people who's on a Roman Holiday, people who's taking pictures, people who's made good use of their credit cards in Gucci... People. You told me to go buy a Prada handkerchief for my mom. You told me to walk a few meters away and throw some coins into the Trevi Fountain. You told me that all good things, like the Roman Empire, no matter how powerful it was, comes to an end. You told me that if you try to flash back some memories, it's like reading a Russian novel, where every second, every small details, counts. In other words, you told me that we had a great time, so this is good bye.

One Sunday Morning

I look down through my window that particular morning, and this is what I see. I cannot say more than "I love you."

To be comfortable in pain

You cannot waste your youth just sitting in a room scrolling on Tumblr, because it's not worth it. I learned that now. You need to get out there, each of every day, and see what life has to do to you. Like take your handbag away from you, for example. Or make you yell right on your friend's nose because you're just so mad and stressed and disappointed. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I'm just bored, and writing is always the best thing I can do. It prevents me from drinking, smoking, or calling people by the names. It reduces the amount of bad karma that I get from excessive amount of gossiping and swearing. Life is supposed to make you feel.

This is my definition of a new year. The biggest task I gotta do is done, I cut my hair off and I lost so much things all in five days. It's a lot to feel, and I just cannot feel more alive. Yes, I'm sad and happy and miserable and weak, but I know I'm alive.

“But I don’t believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or to make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel.”

—	Gloria Naylor