Have you completely erased me from your memory?

I was a daisy fresh girl, and you were this young man with a voice that sounded like you were in your 30s. You reached out for my hand and said your first hi, the one that I'll always remember, instead of so many hi's you'd say later. You had trouble saying my name, while I can call your name in a better way, though it was the another version of your name; the version that came from your neighbor country, instead of the one you actually came from. But you were okay with that, and you were so very silent for the rest of the day. That is until the day I visited a major department store with my friends, where you suddenly showed up with your fellows and you said another hi with a smile. It was the smile that mattered. It was the smile that let me know you thought of me as a friend, and I was okay with that. And another day, you called my name with your voice, yes the deep, bass-y voice that sounds more like a man than a sixteen year old boy. And another day after that, you heard my joke and you laugh. And the next day, you found out that I support gay marriage while you think it's a little extreme, though you have no problems with that. After class, you told me that guy I knew from the disco was gay, or even if he wasn't, he's probably a pervert. And the last day that I could ever remember of you, your friend called out to me to say hi, while you waved your hand and smile. We were friends. Not that good or close, definitely not distant. We were friends, and who would've thought of something more could just happen? Summer fling is stupid, and we were not. But I was the one who's stupid for trying to live like cliche doesn't happen. Deep down, I knew it was the last that I'd ever see you. Deep down, at that very second, I realized that I just bid my adieu to the summer fling of my teenage years. But instead I was being stupid and I thought that someday, there'll come a chance that I'll see you again. It doesn't have to be soon, could be anytime. And I was waiting for that day. Maybe I still am. I can't stop wondering how can I never see you again?

Edge of Glory

Oh, God. It's hard to believe that I'm so done with my sophomore year in college. Unlike the usual, I feel like I need to write something about my fourth term in college. On your right hand side is pictures which each one of them could tell you what I was busy doing in the last four months. They say it's the start of the hardest phase in college, and yes, they might be true. So, allow me to make some reflection of the person that I used to be when I started this unbelievably interesting term, and the person that I am, a survivor of such an amazing term in my history of college years. Well, at least so far. But please be aware: It's full of mindless, self-deprecating things because I think the reason why it was so hard to survive was because I self-sabotaged myself into academical success.

At the time I'm writing this, I still have four more subjects to complete their scoring so that I know my current GPA. And so far, well... How am I gonna call it? Good, maybe. Because you see, in this term, which was so, very, ultimately, hard, somehow I managed to skip almost half of the amount of meetings in this term. Almost. Well, with a little help from my really admirable friends, I also managed to keep my attendance record quiet well. I don't know what I was so busy doing. Work? Not really. Dating? I'm single, by the way. Research? I only do research on the story of some people, i.e. celebrities and some other people in real life, thankyouverymuch. I don't know... I was too busy wasting my time, I guess, that I have lost interest in coming to class and actually listening to so much blabbering the lecturers had to say.

There were way too many assignments and not enough time to do it all, that it was almost frustrating, really. There were even times when I thought I was done with college, because I would only show up in class Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning, and then not much else. The next thing I know, it was time for finals. Sigh. You know what was my catchphrase in fourth term? "Ilmu jauh, temen deket jauh, orang tua jauh, jodoh jauh, Tuhan jauh... Yang deket cuma setan." So, long story short, for the lack of effort I made to be a cum laude (not that I actually strived for it) or at least a responsible student, the results that I get so far is good.

It may not be good enough for most people. But I'm not most people. Or at least, I don't deserve what most people get because I didn't do what most people did, anyway. But to end such a long journey in the last term of my sophomore year, I'll leave you (and me) with the best quote 80s comedy could ever made:

Life's moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 

Ferris Bueller's Day Off 

Mother

I'm sorry Mother, but it's not gonna be one of those beautiful literary proses about how glorious and magnificent your role is in everyone's life. Sure, it's great to remember that every once in awhile, or perhaps even all the time. Sure, it's a notorious, grand gesture of showing love between you and us your kids. But another grand gesture is probably trying to express how I feel about the dysfunctional aspect of this role that hurts. Or maybe it's just in my case, Mother, and maybe it's just because I'm such a bad, ungrateful kid who maybe don't even deserve anything but keep protesting otherwise. I don't know. I have no idea. But the truth is, sometimes I feel like the world doesn't do us kids enough justice. I know it's a huge sacrifice, to carry us around for 9 straight months with all the trouble and problems and dilemmas, and then to raise us, to face the hard times that happened to us, to fight for us... But then we grow up, and suddenly you feel like you've earned the rights to control everything; like you own us. I do think that you don't possess us. Yes, we belong to you because you're my mother and blah blah. But you rights aren't above ours. Because remember, we're not your slaves. You didn't buy us; all that money and sweat and things you have to lose, it was raising us, not buying. No, you don't treat us like shit, though sometimes my teenage-angst tends to make me think that way, but it's kind of disappointing to find out that you, who's supposed to be our hero for the rest of our lives, have the tendency to always bring us down. I know, Mother, that we always tend to love all the wrong people. That's one of the tragedies that happen to us mankind. But she's been mistreating you, and yet when she came back, you didn't even let her begging for your forgiveness. Sometimes I wish it would be me, you know, to make huge mistakes and humiliate you and let you down, but then I would come to the point where I would come back home because I ran out of money and you would welcome me back with hands wide open. But it wasn't me. It was someone else. I said someone else, because you probably couldn't see it because you love her that much, but she changed. I can't decided if it was for good, but she's someone else now. I don't know her. Maybe you're the only one in the world who can see that she's still the old her, and you think she deserves a second chance. But second chances happen because someone blew the first one, Mother, and if the first was the one that matters, well, here it is. It's my first one, and I'm trying my best not to blow it. Do I have to blow it the way she did to get the warmth she can get now? I do think you forget how hurt she left us. Well, I'm not going to remind you, because I don't even wanna remember it. And why is that? Because it hurts, Mother! It hurts! So freaking bad! I didn't know how it can heal! Just because this kind of thing happened to you in your youth, and you survived it, doesn't mean history has to repeat itself. I thought you hated the way your Mother treated you. I thought you strive to be better than her. And God knows you tried, but try harder, Mother. Because I'm probably not as tough as you were. Because the world is not the place it used to be when you were young. Because you're not your Mother. You're better than that. I love you, Mother. Always have, always will. I will keep my love for you in noun and verbs, in present, past, perfect, future... every kind of tenses possible. But I want you to remember that even though the love between us should exist unconditionally, but just because it should doesn't mean it will. You have to try, and so do I. Because if you keep this up, there's no guarantee that it won't be banished to nothing. And because if you keep this up, I'm sorry, Mother, but I think it's not working. 

There is Only One Tree Hill

One Tree Hill takes an enormous place in my heart, that is irreplaceable and will forever be the light that ignite my bones. Every now and then, there are hard times coming onto my life and I thought to myself, "What would Brooke Davis do?" I've just finished the last season, and above is Gavin DeGraw performing the song that has been the show's trademark soundtrack, and the only thing missing from their last season is Peyton Sawyer. Well, but still, they do know how to throw a farewell. I cannot write a long, beautiful post to describe what it means to see them getting their happy ending. There isn't a word that I know that can help me to define it. So, here's to a long 9 years of moving, inspiring series. Thanks for giving TV a meaning. Good night, One Tree Hill.

“Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.”

source

I live for the summer

Let's go, baby

I wonder if you've ever felt this way. Like you're living in a tiny world it's sickening? You know exactly what the people in it is doing, you know what they'll say when you walk past them in the street, and you know when they're wearing new clothes? When you close your eyes, it's this place that first come into your mind, and not much else. You feel like you live in a birdcage, and everything is so predictable, it's too comfortable, and unbelievably... mundane. That is my cue to having a holiday. I don't care if next week is my final exam. I don't give a fuck about whatever it is I suppose to give a fuck to. I used to worry about the big things, like graduating soon or some fucked-up, boring thoughts like that. But I guess I grew up, and so fed up with lots of self-deprecating shit I bring to myself, and now I stopped worrying. Worrying is a waste of the limited time we have in life, and now I realize, that more than anything, I don't wanna grow up to be the kind of boring, small-minded person that I could be had I not known to help myself. I used to be very ambitious that I forget to enjoy all the luxury of life that I could have. But that's about to change now, and I don't even consider taking summer class. So here's what I suggest we do: Change a lifestyle. Do small things that make you happy. Find yourself before somebody else does. And as of for me, I'd do anything, even if it means doing it alone. Have a good summer. Go somewhere exotic. Put the pictures in Facebook and make people talk about your Roman holiday. Spam your friends' Twitter timeline with them. Let them envy you. You will never get any younger than who you are today. So live it. 

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Don't believe people. Not when they're newer than your Converse shoes. Not when they're currently closer than your mother. Not when they write to you more intensely than your childhood best friend. Not when the love can be more platonic than romantic. Not if, they show you the slightest bit of affection simply because they want so much more from you in return. Don't confuse love with madness. Don't fall in love because you want to. Don't. 

Helena Bonham Carter

Now this, is the woman we must all look up to

19

Hi! Isn’t April such a beautiful moment to admire spring that has come through your door?

You know me. I always make a post to remark my birthday, and they’re usually short or just simply sweet, but it’s gonna be long and a bit touching, not to mention precious. So, caution: precious contents.

I’m turning 19 this year, and I have to say, it’s probably one of the sweetest birthday ever. I don’t know, I always say that every year because mostly I forgot how sweet last year’s celebration felt, but it does feel like my sweetest birthday ever. You see, I have spent the last six weeks with the same group of people who call themselves The A-Team, talking and practicing technically the same thing day by day, night after night, and we have come to know each other so well after so much tears and laughs and dramas shared together. And the first minute of my birthday was spent in a medium-sized karaoke room with a bunch of new family-like friends singing happy birthday with a chocolate cake and four small candles lit on top of it. Six weeks is probably a short time to get to know someone, let alone 15 people, but family is the word I'm gonna use to define these people.

We had so much fun. Too much, maybe, because at the end of the day, when we’ve come to the place where normal people should be sad and crying because we lost the battle, we didn’t! Instead, we want much more fun, like it was the drug to kiss the pain away. Heck, maybe we didn’t even feel pain for the slightest (well, there was, a bit. but it wasn’t a big deal at all.)

Pardon my mixed language in this post. I don’t know how to make it more sincere without writing it the way my mind works, so, here it is...

Inmoot itu buat gue rasanya kayak... I don’t know, tapi yang jelas, now that it’s over, ini rasanya familiar banget. Rasanya kayak hari di mana gue landing di Bandara Soekarno Hatta setelah homestay di London dan jalan-jalan eurotrip summer 2008 yang lalu. I don’t know how to explain it, tapi yang jelas rasanya... lebih banyak takut dan bingungnya, karena sejujurnya pasti awalnya akan bingung, “What would I do without them? What would my days be?” Just a little rewind, dulu gue jam 3 pagi baru pulang dari airport dan jam 6 pagi udah sampe di sekolah lagi, sekolah yang sama dengan yang udah satu tahun gue tempati, tapi gue cuma bisa bengong dan merasa sedikit stres karena gatau harus ngapain selain karena masalah jetlag, tapi juga rasanya aneh berada di tempat yang penuh dengan aura yang sudah lama ga dirasakan lagi.. Well, ini ga akan se-ekstrim itu sih, but what upsets me is probably... not knowing how I’m supposed to overcome the feeling of missing latihan inmoot bareng The A Team. To explain The-A-Team and my birthday, I'm gonna divide this post into some parts, in hope that you'd get the flow of the story.

• Sunday, April 22nd.

We lost the competition to the team that ended up being champion, and everyone was worried about us. They gave us wise words, quotes that will calm us down and motivational wisdom just to not let us drown in sorrow. But like I said, we are so strong, as strong as the real The A Team, WE DID NOT CRY. Not a single tears was shed, and instead, we... I don't know, we went a little more nuts than ever that Saturday, and at night we went out for dinner, to eat the food we weren't allowed to have during practice, and after that, KARAOKE NIGHT! Awalnya cuma 2 jam, dan tiba-tiba ditambah jadi 3 jam. I was already losing my voice that night, but at the karaoke, I didn't care. We sing, we dance... but we don't steal things. Tepat jam 12 malam, in a somehow not so surprising way (I'm so hard to surprise, by the way) Diaz dan Ncek masuk ke dalam ruang karaoke membawa kue dengan lilin. Tapi... lagu Happy Birthday yang udah disiapin di list tiba-tiba hilang, dan yang play justru lagu Happy Birthday Ten2Five yang nggak se-happy birthday itu, tapi liriknya...well...entah kenapa saat itu cukup bikin terharu sih... Thanks a lot people, you make the first minutes of my birthday completely beautiful. Okay, about the karaoke... it was a bit wild, thanks to Manda and Astrid semoga laku terus yah di malam-malam lainnya :) Selesai karaoke jam 2 pagi, mau ke parkiran malah harus muterin satu mall lewat parkiran... Dan tampak sangat gila. Sangat sinting. Curiga di dalam cake-nya ada ganjanya sih haha. 

Well, I don't wanna bore you with a series of things that are only memorable for me and my team, but the highlight is, secara tiba-tiba setelah gue pulang dari birthday dinner sama keluarga yang membuat gue harus melewatkan beberapa momen besar dalam rangkaian acara inmoot, semua anggota tim mendadak unyu... sampe gue ga kuat buka BBM. No, seriously. The more they talk about it, the more they show how proud and sad and happy they are, the more I feel like I wanna cry. It’s not the kind of cry that means I’m sad, but I’m just... I don’t know, maybe I’m just upset. But I’m not sure what upsets me.

Let's just say we had a good time that night

Oh hi girls from my team!

This is just hilarious

When it comes to looks, nothing can bring us down

Pejabat much? 

Oh hi, Riri!

Berkas The-A-Team!

They have enriched me with a lot more happiness and a lot more things to be grateful for, and most importantly with a lot of vocabularies that no one will gets. It's like we have developed our own language or something.

Our mentors, Mba Citta & Mba Icha

I have to thank our mentors, Mba Citta & Mba Icha, for their full dedication, for their guidance, their much... help. Mba Icha, I just want you to know that it's an honor to know that I remind people of you, to make them think I was your sister, and to learn a lot from you. I'm so proud of you, and I hope forever we can be kakak adek ketemu gede. Mba Citta, we went to the same high school and we have never been closer than in these 6 weeks, and I have to say I have grown to admire a lot of things from you. We could never find a better mentor, sorry we didn't make it to the finals, but we love you, and forever you will always be our mentors :')

CHIBI!!!!!!

Six boxes of jumbo pizzas, anyone?

Majelis Hakim Yang Paling Mulia!

 Dear Astrid dan Ganis hakim-hakim anggotaku yang paling kece, sesungguhnya sedih karena kita nggak akan baca berbagai macam putusan dengan beragam versi bareng-bareng lagi. But like I said the other day and way above in this post, to me, the bonus of this mooting is not about winning, but it's having partners like you, who were so cooperative and so helpful that means everything to me. I have to say I'm a bit sad that we didn't win Majelis Hakim Terbaik, but to have been sitting between the two of you for 6 weeks was a great honor. Terima kasih untuk kerja samanya yang mengharukan, bisikan-bisikan setan nggak penting yang sangat lucu dan menyenangkan... I'm a proud Hakim Ketua :')

THIS. 

• Tuesday, April 24th 2012

So, my best buddies threw me a surprise two days after my real birthday. Based on past experiences and the aforementioned karaoke night, I thought I was so hard to surprise. I thought  was too cool to be astounded by a little surprise. But my best buddies taught me the other way. No matter how smart I thought I am, they can still surprise me with cakes and Pepsi splashed all over my body. I got dirty, but, there's nothing more beautiful than a late birthday surprise. It was really surprising. It really was. I don't have pictures of that day, sorry I can't put them here, guys :(

And actually, it's one of my best buds too that make a tribute picture in honor of my birthday that people use in Sunday. It's hilarious. I'm not gonna put that here.

In other words, I’m glad I’m getting my life back. Maybe not entirely but most of it. But in a lot of ways, I feel so sad because... I’m losing the life that I’m getting so much used to in the last 6 weeks. I hope I’m never gonna lose the people that I knew in those times, never gonna lose the memories, and never gonna lose the adorableness we have together. Thank you for the most remarkable 6 weeks ever! Thank you for the very, very sweet 19th birthday! Thank you! I love you!

They can't take what's ours

I can't believe that today, well, it's 1 in the morning, so let's just say tomorrow, will be the last chance that I will ever claim you someone I know, someone I can claim as somehow related to me. I don't know why I can't sleep or think straight, I can't read my textbooks without thinking about how big tomorrow will be. I know I shouldn't. Learning from past experiences, the days that I expected the most will be the most anticlimactic day ever. But I just can't help it. Anyway, I never learn. That's just one thing you gotta know about me. You know what, it took me a very long time to realize that it might real. I was always in denial; and I'm getting even better at it. It's not healthy, but that's what I do. I'm in denial even when I don't need to. I've got a really good self-defense, that I just simply don't let things happen to me. But for you, I let my guard down. It's too late, but... this is the only thing I can do. My only regret is not because it's too late. My only regret is that I couldn't find out from much earlier, while there was still plenty of time. Now the time is running out, and I still can't find a way to do it, and... it's all useless. I don't know why I always do this. I don't know why it was always someone who has to go. But that's my issue, so you don't really have to mind. But really, there's only one thing you need to know: I do, and I did have the courage but my another issue is that my self-defense always get in the way. I feel sorry for myself that there are days when I woke up in the morning and I just thought of something, and I trusted them too much. I didn't think that maybe it was a half-conscious mind speaking, and I was stupid for believing in it. I know you're not gonna read this, but I hope someday you will be able to know that I do, and I was stupid, and I regret it. I wish you well. I wish you well. I hope it's not our farewell.

"Dexter, I love you so much. So, so much, and I probably always will. I just don't like you anymore. I'm sorry."

— David Nicholls