One can keep a secret

Don't tell them all your secrets. For one day you will wake up and realize that everyone's got a piece of you; while you have nothing.

Hate is a Strong Word

The opposite of hate is probably love, but love is not even a word as strong as its counterpart.

I don't hate people who make their way around being snobbish. I don't hate people who lie. I don't hate people who play dirty. And I don't always hate people who treat me wrong.

I hate people who make me feel bad about myself. And those who make me treat myself badly.

I know this person who was once in the position to be considered my friend. We were friends, not necessarily good friends, but friends nonetheless. One day, I made the mistake of agreeing to get involved with this person even further; the mistake that I never plan to take but did anyway. And time after time, I grew tired of their antiques. It was not until then that I realized I was not made to be friends with them. I was not even made to tolerate them, because they are just horrible, and I might also come off as being detestable to them. It was a lose-lose situation. And we were just stuck. There was no way of turning back, as there was also no way of stopping in the middle of the road. It was basically a nightmare for each of us. That's when I realize that I hate this person. Hate is a strong word, but I feel like there should be a stronger word I could use to explain how I feel.

Hate corrupted my soul, my life, my entire being. Hate consumed all the cheeriness and the good in me. When I think about the time I had to spend with that person, I see a terrible person. I became such a terrible person, someone that I can't be proud of... Someone that doesn't even look like me. Emotionally speaking, I was a monster. I was not me. I may not be such a nice person in general, but back then I was horrible. How many times do I have to say that? And I hate myself. I lost respect in myself and I couldn't think of a better day. It was almost like going to fight in a war with myself, in which I cannot win. I hate myself, and for that I hate that person entirely.

That person didn't treat me badly, no. Yes, they were kind of a jerk, but who isn't? We were all born a little bit of a jerk and a bitch inside. But they were just bad for me, that's all. Not everyone was made for you just as much as you weren't made for everyone. This is why they say someone isn't bad for you because of the way they treated you, but more for the way they make you feel about yourself. 

So here's my point in case I confuse you with my writing: Hate is necessary. Sometimes. But it is bad for you. Here's the catch: heroin and morphines are also bad for you, and yet doctors still inject it into you when you most need it. So, it's not always bad, you know? You could use the emotion. As long as you keep it to the healthy amount, it's good for you. As of for me, I only let it go as far as to the people who make me feel bad about myself. Your life isn't some punk rock music. You don't have to scream hatred every where you go. But your hate towards someone can teach you that you know better of yourself. You can choose what (or who) is good or bad for you. You are big enough to be selective of what worth keeping in your life and what not. And at the end of the day, you can be genuinely thankful of the people who make you feel loved; people who don't make you feel worthless or stupid or simply ugly. You deserve to always feel good, at least about yourself.

I Wish You Love

I wish I could've understood love long before you came.

I wish that I could see you the way they used to see you; this charming man who's most likely to be everyone's knight in shining armor. 

I wish, before you came, I had known how to love someone that was someone else's dream.

I wish I would've changed my mind while you're here. I wish you would've waited could be more patient, because I take a long time to handle things—nothing in life comes easy for me. 

I wish that when you're gone, I wouldn't have to long for your presence anymore... But I did.

And it's a shame that I did it to myself, but what can I say? If we are responsible for our own happiness, then maybe this suffering is my responsibility. I have known woe, but nothing was ever as great as this one.

I did not regret what I choose, and I did not hate you. Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for sticking out with me after all that I've done to you.

I would be yours in another life. It could be someday, but for now let me figure things out by myself. Because you deserve the me that's ready for you, not the me who's still working her way into someone you would like to be with.

So with my best, I bid you adieu. Someone out there is going to love you better than I ever will, just like someone someday will love me without me always having the intention to hurt him. 

I wish you the perfect gardens with blooming roses and ripening apples, and the blue sky and the charming chirping of birds. I wish you love and I wish you joy. I wish you happiness and the knowledge that I too, love you.

Breakfast Like Champions

I don't like to brag (or I do), but, this past week was an overwhelmingly beautiful series of days. It's always a beautiful day (or in my actual case, night) when you found out that the people who regularly hang out with you actually have the ability to do something you never thought you could've done; not now, and not in a million years. So, sure, it's a lot of things I didn't expect, but it's also the things that I knew were possible; because each one of us has the potential and the power to surprise ourselves, and I believe in that power to eventually come out, because surprising yourself is such a noble thing to do, and because that is what you deserve. Surprise yourself. And others too, sometimes.

Why am I posting this news? Because it was a night to remember. Congratulations to us all, my pals who will always be loud.

FCOTUS

Let us all just focus on how perfectly human our favorite First Couple of The United States is. Like they're just your average Mr. & Mrs. Neighbor, except that you don't live next door to the White House. Look how beautiful this picture is. I don't know much about Obamacare and his other policies but I love Michele and I love him for marrying her. Life is beautiful this way.

Baby you've hurt me

Sometimes I wonder if we ever realize the power we have to hurt people. We always think that people hurt us; that we have always been the best version of us and yet they always act in the worst manner possible. And when we actually do something bad, something that hurt someone, we still think that we've done the best we can, because we are so good and wonderfully-skilled to make excuses for ourselves. Which is terrible. Which is the main logical reason as to why people still tend to hurt each other, even without weapons. 

I need you to know that you've hurt me. No, not severely, but it still hurts. I am an individual human being that was blessed with feelings and emotions that I don't always like, and am not always proud of, but whatever I feel, I feel. You cannot stop me from feeling what I feel. But a part of me knows that I am fine because I do not let my feelings get the best of me. I am not a servant to my emotions. I can always stop it to feel what it feels, even though sometimes it takes time and tears and fed up emotions and so on.

So, you can be proud of me, or perhaps ashamed because of me. I didn't fall under your trap. Okay, almost. You were like that steep cliff where I could only hold on to a tiny branch, but that tiny branch helped me live instead of fall in too deep. You see, I live. Without your help. It's thanks to you that I am hurt and left having to survive all the pain by myself. But I'm not just a girl. I'm the girl who's not gonna give her heart to you just because you said you love her. I'm the girl who won't sacrifice her pride, her dignity and her wisdom just so that you would be with her; or just because she fell in love with you. You think you're loving, but you don't love her.

And now she, I mean, I, want to be free. I am not going to let anyone or anything define my life, dictate what should and what shouldn't be. This is not a good bye. This is my way of saying that I am so disappointed. I thought you were better than this, you know? I thought, out of every one in this world, you wouldn't be the one to do this. But you already did. Like I said, this is not a good bye. I'm still gonna be here, and you could just stay exactly where you are now. But you should know that you no longer have the power to hurt me. I won't allow you. Not anymore.

20

I've always been waiting for my turn to start my twenties. I cannot wait to grow older. And enjoying it. 

Can't Help Falling In Love With You

"You know what, I believe in God. I believe in His power to create the best possible life for me. I believe in His mighty ability to help us all from darkness, and that He was always the light that we stick into the dark when the night gets too gloom for us to see. I always believe in Him. But then you came. Life happens. And we don't get to choose who we fall in love with. So without knowing, I fell in love with you, and that's when I thought... God, You could do better. I'm pretty sure He knows that I can't like you. And that you can't like me either. So why do I have to meet you in the first place? Why do I have to know you? Why do you exist in this world? Can't He choose a better world for you to live in? I can't like you, no matter how badly I wanted to. They say when you want something, you gotta want it bad enough. But I did. I wanted you so, so bad, but it's still impossible. There are things you can't change no matter what you do, like the weather, the past, and so on, and this is one of those things. It's not my past, or my current situation, and nothing related to the future, but it is necessary to stop any calamity that might results from my failure to control my feelings. It is necessary, not for me, not for you, but for the rest of population. You see, I'm a hero, in my very own way. Do not laugh about it, because I actually dried my tear glands to reach the point where I can think clearly about this matter. So you see, I like you. It's a lot like love, actually, but if that 65 year old man who's been married for decades have no idea about love, who am I to say that I love you? I strongly hope that you don't feel the same way for me because... Because it will be easier for me than if you feel otherwise. But hey, if you do feel the same way, this is me trying to make sense of this ugly truth about us. My shoulders have shuddered from crying but now I'm strong enough to do this, so please bear with me. Be strong for me. Pretend that you don't feel it, because at least that way I could think that you didn't have to go through the same shit I do. At least I would know that there's no sleepless nights, river of cries or stupid, angry emotions that you experienced because let me tell you: it's terrible. I know because I've been there. I know, because... Because you make me. No, scratch that. Because God wants me to know you. God wants me to know that there's still someone like you out there; someone who (probably) likes me back, but knows his every boundaries and is sane enough not to fight for me because God knows had you asked me to run away with you, I would. Because if there really is a parallel universe, I would still choose you. And if there really is another life, I would STILL stubbornly choose you. God teaches me fortitude through you; that there are things that cannot be, that being thankful doesn't always mean because I can get what I want. Sometimes gratitude comes from not getting the one (and only) thing I always wanted. Like you. So, thank you. Thanks for coming into my life. I will not regret it."

PS. You're never gonna ask me this so let me do it: Run away with me. 

Victory A

Melbourne, Victoria, AU

 March 2013

And You Were There

I have never made it a secret that I always wanted someone so specific and unrealistic, that I thought they'd only live in my imagination. Because someone who has the capacity to deal with my insanity and my weird being and simply my entire existence would only equal to my mom or dad. But as if I had been blind while struggling to see, just in time when I stopped looking, you were there. You were there, with hands wide open and a smile so beautiful as if telling me, "Your search is over. I'm right here." You should see the look on your face. You don't know how lovely you are.