Fantasy Girl

Everyone's got one. It's a tale as old as time, and everyone's got one.

We will always have each other's backs. We will always want to talk to each other after a rough day. We will always want to make each other laugh, and stop each other from weeping. We will always want to fight the bad guys who tend to ruin our days. We will always want to see each other in each of our own big days. We will always love each other. We'll always be in the same team. And when something's going on, we'd like to tell each other about it. We wish we could be there to witness it together. And thought that had we been there at the same time, it could be more awesome. Like nothing's cool without you and me.

Everyone's got that one person. Everyone's got the Robin to their Ted, and a Ted to their Robin. But just like them, it really doesn't mean that we should be together.

We will always have something that brought us together, a force though invisible but still very hard to be ignored. But we were not planted from the same seed. We are not rooted to the same core. We got entangled in so many ways, but when it comes to the basics, we're just never the same person. We will always want different things. Things that are very principal; almost non-negotiable, and if they were, we would be less of the person we'd fallen in love with. What we want is never to share a life together. It's always more about sharing two lives together, and so that means we just shouldn't live in the same life. Because we might be great at crossing paths; but it's just impossible for us to walk on the same path together. We might be great for short-term visions, but our long-terms don't have a future.

So, you're my Ted. The always amorous, sweet, classic melancholic Ted. And, I can always be your Robin; like the bird robin, I will always wanna fly without baggages. Maybe someday I would like to retire flying and just watching the others bird fly from the land, but even when that day comes, I won't be with you. We probably will still talk and say how we miss each other every day. But you and I, were never built to be in the same life together.

Playing For Keeps

The first thing you need to know about me is that I don't need to be kept by someone who would only keep me to make them feel safe. I don't want to be held captive from the big, wide, world out there. I'm learning to give someone a second chance, but not to the ones who are most likely to blew it the way they blew out their birthday candles; way too willingly happy. So, don't keep me. I'm wonderfully happy on my own and you should try it too. It's much more liberating and honestly, when your happiness doesn't depend on anybody else, it's probably the best thing in the world. I'm not saying you shouldn't come back, you just... shouldn't keep me. For whatever reason you may have. I'm not a keeper for you, and I know now that I'm better off without you. But when are you gonna learn about this?

I'm not

I'm not something that you can resort to. I'm not a consolation prize. I'm not a stop along the way. I'm not the mac-and-cheese your mom made you after a terrible nightmare. I'm not the last minute booty call you take on a cold night. And I'm not even the best friend you can call up at 2 AM because somehow you feel empty and upset.

I cannot be just one of the choices you have; not even if I'm on top of the list. 

The Journey is The Destination

Just so you know, there are at least 20 drafts in my posting list as evidence of me trying my best to write about this book. I'm really clueless as to how I'd like to tell you about it, so here in my 21st attempt, let me just make it short and simple.

Five years ago in London, a Pakistani guy told me and my friends how spoiled we are indeed. We had been walking for at least 10 kilometers that day, in a cold London morning in July (yeah... I know) and he said something like, "If you whine about how much you've been walking today, it is very selfish. In my country, children don't enjoy the kind of life you have here. You are walking 10 kilometers in the comfort of London, on a holiday, and there's really only cars beeping around you. But in my country, where disasters and bombings happen every so often, kids your age, or even younger, have to walk in cold, among the ruins caused by the disasters and bombings and all of that. They have to walk longer distance than you, and they are not on holiday. It was their life. Their destiny."

I remember we all shut up after what he said. And that made us think. It's funny because we never thought of that before, of the countries in the Indian Subcontinent, where the news about them are almost unheard of. Because no one cares. Because people dying of bombs and natural disasters in their countries are mere statistics. Famine and poverty isn't a tragedy. It's just a way of life.

So this book reminded me of that. Agustinus Wibowo went on an unusual journey through the Indian Subcontinent and visit countries that we had probably never thought would ever visit, not now, not when we're older, not even in a million years. He told us the stories and the views he found on the way, most of them about life, death, God, religions, family, motherhood, culture, humanity, fear, courage, and some other stuffs we don't learn in the classroom. The stuffs we can only learn from fellow humans we met during our travels. Just like what I heard from the aforementioned Pakistani guy. And this book has the power to make me think and re-think of what I thought I know about those subjects. There's just so many things really worth reading in this book, so here's a hint, in case you'd like a piece of it:

Cinta ibu dengan anaknya memang selalu cinta yang berat sebelah. 

The Thing With Second Chances

Do you believe in second chances?

I have been asking this question to far so many people in my life, and the answers should have made me re-think my inability to believe in it the way majority of people do.

I don't believe in second chances. The reason why would be way too personal to explain here, but just to make it clear, I don't. I think second chances are overrated, and it's just an excuse for someone to blew the first one. At the end of the day, it's the one who had to give the second chance that would have to believe once again, without an guarantee that they won't get their trusts broken again.

Don't be a bitch. What if you're the one who needs the second chance?

Maybe it's because that I haven't really been thrown in that position so far, but when I think I do, I wouldn't ask for it. Because I know what it feels like to be the one to give it away, and it didn't go so smooth. So when I blew my chance, when I know that I messed up... I forgive myself. I forgive myself for doing them, for losing the chance, and make it start to find another chance that I wouldn't blew. Forgiving myself is hard, but forgiveness is a favor we do for others and ourselves. I believe in forgiving people, because I think people need to be forgiven so that they'd be free, while my happiness is my own responsibility. If I can forgive myself, that is how I know that my happiness isn't depending on someone else's life.

But very recently I have just learned something important. You can call this thing berkah ramadhan because this is where I'm trying to re-think every judgements I've made towards second chance. I looked at my old man today, the man whose wisdom has gone around for half a century, and I learned that second chances are not overrated. It's me who's underrated it. Second chances can happen; if only you can be very, very, patient, and believe in it enough, and wanting for it enough, then it can happen. It's a hard road, rough and bumpy... but it's possible to happen. 

And the prize is going to be worth it.

Karena tong sampah juga butuh tong sampah lainnya.

Tong sampah yang lebih besar, yang lebih mampu menampung lebih banyak sampah dari tong-tong seperti dirinya.

Can you even imagine, having to receive all that crap people threw at her, with no one realizing that she needs to throw away some too?

But no one asked. No one cared. No one understood, that tong sampah juga butuh tong sampah lainnya.

Karena, tidak ada yang mau menjadi tempat pembuangan akhir.

Apology

Forgiving you would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Forgiving you would mean to free you from all the mistakes that you owed me some explanations. Forgiving you would make me seem weak to others, even though I don't care what they say.

Forgiving you, would only be easy if you could just tell me on my face that you're sorry; but never did. Maybe you're not sorry. Maybe you're too scared to admit it. 

Forgiving you would make me feel lighter.
And forgiving you, no matter how hard, would make it all easier in the long run.

Oh God knows forgiving you wouldn't erase the cuts that you've made. 
But it is only by forgiving you that we'd all be free from hurt. 
It is only by forgiving you that we will finally live in peace. 

So I'll get there. 

Until then, I'll let the bruises live to keep me reminded that it should be over.