Heartbreak Warfare

It's Sunday and it's been a tough week for both my academic, social and private lives, and Saturday night was when it's all come to the worst. Someone has always told me that hearts do break, though it doesn't mean they were made to be broken. And when you're dreaming with a broken heart... no, it doesn't happen to me. When I have a broken heart I don't wanna go to sleep, because I can't sleep, because heartbreaks are painful. Very, very painful, and this pain I feel make me sleepless. I wonder how I could feel so brokenhearted when I didn't even feel a thing towards somebody before. I mean, I don't know what happened. I might kind of like him years ago, and it's really YEARS, but it wasn't anything serious or big or anything. Now what happened? Why do I feel this pain? What kind of pain is this? I need someone to talk to, but this kind of matter isn't very important that people won't understand. I must be too sensitive or just stupid. The two pictures above shows exactly how I feel and what I wanna say right now.

I've come to the point where I understand this

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

You don't have to run or walk, you just have to dance

I believe that there is such a thing as coincidence, that there is some good in bad people, that at the end of the tunnel, there's still light, and that not everything in life is as beautiful as a sunrise in Paris's Trocadero, so I choose to believe that we just need to have a little faith, because faith is what gets us moving.

Don't have nobody to call my own

La Brodeuse ou Mette Gauguin by Paul Gauguin

"Gauguin was a stockbroker in Paris, married, had five kids. One day he came home from work and told his wife he was leaving, that he was through supporting the family, that he had had enough. Just like that he fucking took off. He said he had always felt that he was a painter, so he moved to a rat-infested shithole and started painting. His wife begged him to come back, his bosses told him he was insane, he didn't care, he was following his heart. He left Paris, moved to Rouen, went from Rouen to Arles, from Arles to Tahiti. He was searching for peace, contentment, trying to fill that fucking hole he felt inside, and he believed he could fill it. He died in Tahiti, blind and crazy from syphilis, but he did it. He filled his fucking hole, made beautiful work, made beautiful, beautiful work... It takes a brave man to walk away, to care so much that he doesn't care about anything else, to be willing to obey what he feels inside, to be willing to suffer the consequences of living for himself. Every time I stand before his work it makes me cry, and I cry because I'm proud of him, and happy for him, and because I admire him."

(James Frey, My Friend Leonard)

Last year, the thing I kept holding on to for the rest of the year was Queen Latifah's quote. This year, I want Paul Gauguin to be my muse, my inspiration, my hero. His life was exquisite. Even calling it 'exquisite' would be an understatement. He was brave, the kind of brave that makes everyone fears. I hope this year you could enjoy your life more and fight for what you think is right. I hope you could be more Gauguin-esque; be bold. Choose your path, I don't know, be religious or atheist or agnostic, or come out of the closet, or do the things you never do before, challenge yourself to do the things you never do, not for the sake of the challenge but because you can. I hope you stop choosing to be mediocre unless you tried your best and still can't help but being one. Have a nice, inspiring ride.

source

Survive A New Year!

Well, sometimes cynicism works

I've fallen in love with you but you never exist

Hi, who knows we're suddenly at the end of the year again?

A little evaluation, I posted fewer things this year, and I don't know what happened with me, why I didn't spend so much time posting here. I guess it's because I discovered the joy of Tumblr now and decided to categorize what I should publish via Tumblr or Blogspot or maybeTwitter. I've become what they call Tumbltard. But to be honest, some of my best writings are here, so... cheers for that :D

2010, you are my bitch!

I graduated high school this year, the high school I always thought wasn't the place where I belong, but again, maybe the best place I can be. I started going to law school, again, the college I always thought isn't the place where I belong and perhaps that's not going to change until the 3,5 half years to come. I'm so proud of myself because I have survived so many places where I don't belong that I started to think those places are actually the places where I belong but I just couldn't deal with it. I know it's probably too late to ask, but wish me luck here? ;)

At the end of the day, I started to look back, and I promised you last year that we're gonna have so much fun in 2010. Well, guess what? I made it! Or at least I did, and I hope you too. First of all, I travelled back to Europe in autumn, which was dazzling though not as wonderful as summer 2008. Second, I turned 17 and got my ID card, which means I'm legit enough for my own bank account and credit card, though not as far as getting my own visa (that needs no guardian) or getting into a club or whatever.

The not so flattering things come too, like losing best friends because they're moving on with their lives. I suppose I was the one to blame for that, but then again, maybe it's just the same old me: I suck at keeping old friends. I guess that's my only resolution for 2011. I wanna keep my old friends, stop being suck at it while also fighting my insecurities. People think that because I smile and I laugh and I don't seem to have drama in my life, then I'm so carefree and all that. No, baby. Each time I write something I usually hit the Backspace button just because I was insecure. I want you to know that it takes so much courage and bravery to be able to write this and publish it. And that's what I'm working on for next year.

Disappointments keep coming. I'm lucky enough that one of the biggest disappointment of my life happened this year and I had the chance to write it and a friend of mine, who should remain anonymous, told me how he liked the post. He doesn't compliment people a lot and I guess when you receive a compliment from someone who barely ever have a good idea about someone, you're allowed to feel happy. People say what makes a a good writing is when the writer really mean to say it. Well, he said he felt my disappointments and sadness through the writing. Other posts that people say is good are the ones that I write with all my heart, so, thank you guys!

I guess the best line to sum up all that I've learned this year is taken from a romantic movie Serendipity:

"It's not giving up, it's growing up"

I'm taking concrete steps on fighting my insecurities. From now on comments are allowed. I know not that many people would even bother leaving comments here, but again, it takes a courage to do this once again. You may leave comments in any post you like, even the old ones!

So, see you again next year! We're gonna have even more fun, even more joy to be grateful for!

Teenage Dream

4 years from now, when I'm done with my masters degree from LSE, I'm gonna stay in London, spend my spare times watching plays or alone in galleries or museums all around the town or maybe simply working at a small vinyl store in Notting Hill. I'm gonna travel to Paris at holidays and visit art museums. And then there I met you, standing right next to me, staring at the same painting and talk about it over coffees in a small café or cheap champagne in the banks of Seine River. In 24 hours, we'd decided to fall in love.

But maybe you never exist.

Normally, I would post something like this on Tumblr. But since it's been down since yesterday (they say minutes but they mean hours, or probably days) I'm posting it here. It's actually inspired by another post by Ratih, here.

Dear my 16 year old self

Soon you'll realize that, yes, promises are made to be broken. Those pessimists didn't lie. Be prepared to be greatly and utterly disappointed. Keep in mind that you're not the disappointment, and don't blame anybody; things happen for a reason. Just because you suck at math and clueless about calculus doesn't mean you're stupid and wouldn't go to college. You will, just not the college you thought you'll be in, and not the field you think you'd do. Nothing goes as you planned. But you'll learn so much as you move out of home. You'll learn that you can learn to love what you have, since many times, you cannot have what you love. Good luck with college entrance test. You're probably not smart, but you'll get lucky ;)

An Atheist Philosophy Professor Speaking About God With A Christian Student

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor : So, you believe in GOD?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good?

Student : Sure.

Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL?

Student : Yes.

Professor : My Brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent)

Professor : You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is GOD Good?

Student : Yes.

Professor : Is Satan good?

Student : No.

Professor : Where does Satan come from?

Student : From...GOD...

Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?

Student : Yes.

Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor : So who created evil?

(Student did not answer)

Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor : So, who created them?

(Student had no answer)

Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe The World around you. Tell me, son...have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor : Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Professor : Yet you still believe in HIM?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.

Professor : Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?

Professor : Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?

Professor : Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn't...

(The Lecture Theater became very quiet with this turn of events)

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat, a Little Heat or No Heat. But we don't have anything called Cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero

Which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.There is no such thing as Cold. Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat. We cannot Measure Cold. Heat is Energy. Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the Lecture Theater)

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as

Darkness?

Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the Absence of Something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light... But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its Called Darkness, isn't it? In reality, Darkness isn't. If it is, You would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?

Professor : So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student : Sir, my point is, your Philosophical Premise is flawed.

Professor : Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue There is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD. You are Viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought. It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing. Death is Not the Opposite of Life, just the Absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?

Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the

argument was going)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and Cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor, Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?

(The Class was in uproar)

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The Class broke out into laughter)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?... No one appears to have done so. So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have No Brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The Room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable)

Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.

Student : That is it sir...Exactly! The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.

That student was ALBERT EINSTEIN.

I wouldn't miss it for the world

The best scene from "Before Sunrise". I love this movie so much I can't stop smiling. It's the kind of movie I wish the story could happen to me, it's so beautiful and so rare, so... bitter.