mourning mornings

I'm sorry to have been a little bitter lately. And now this is why.

I lost my iPod today last week, as well as I lose one of my two grandmothers. And then, my uncle passed too.
So long, Grandma. You know I love you so much, and I still do. I might be such a very annoying granddaughter but I never really meant it. It was all because I love you, and because I care about you. Now that you’re gone, I know you’re happy and free.
And, you’re still young, Oom. I love you, and though we haven’t been through so much, I guess it’s enough for me to feel that I lost you. I lost your smile and your laugh. Most importantly I will lose your sweet jokes.

I can buy a new iPod, anytime. But my family is not for sale. I can’t replace them with a new one. Death is always scary, because we all know that is a precision, but when it actually comes we’re still very surprised. And we might be crying too.

In the morning I went to school as usual. My mother told me stories about Grandma and all that family stuffs… I thought, “She’s not gonna die today. Everything’s gonna be fine, it’s a normal day,” In fact it is, normal. all the same way as yesterday. Tapi setelah pelajaran olahraga, gue baru mau ke kantin sama temen gue, gue terima SMS dari kakak gue: Rien, Mbah meninggal….

And I cried at the same time. I’m not a fan of crying at school, actually I don’t like to be seen while I’m crying. They said muka gue ga pantes buat nangis. I wasn’t really close to her, but she’s been a very loving old lady. She’s good in giving advices, telling funny jokes, it’s just that she’s too old.

Jasadnya datang ke rumah gue. I never had a dead body in my house before…

I hadn’t seen Grandma for months, dia tinggal di Bogor dan gue males banget ke sana, atau selalu ada aja alesan gue ga ikut ke sana. Padahal nyokap udah selalu bilang, “Ayo dek, mana tahu ini kesempatan terakhir kamu ketemu.” Dan bener aja gitu, terakhir kali gue ketemu dia adalah waktu lebaran. Oh God… now I feel sorry for myself. Gue belom minta maaf. And I’m afraid she didn’t know that I love her. Now I get to see her again… but she must be very different. Her old skin must be very pale now, she must be laid dead, cold and serene.

And my uncle, he passed away while he was alone in Bandung for a job duty. He wasn’t sick at all, they said it was a heart attack. He’s a big man, tall and really big.

Friday night, habis Maghrib gue ketiduran di kamar, exhausted, I’ve been working like a dog. Gue baru bangun jam 11 malem, tamu-tamu tahlilan udah pulang semua. Tinggal tante sama bokap dan kakak gue lagi makan di bawah. Semuanya udah baik-baik aja, gue ngomongin soal jadwal gue untuk berangkat ke pelantikan di Gunung Bunder keesokan harinya. Habis itu semuanya oke. Gue balik ke kamar dan tiduran lagi. Tapi nggak tau kenapa, nggak ngantuk aja gitu. Gue inget gue baru tidur lagi jam 00.10.

Tiba-tiba, jam 00.50, pintu kamar gue diketuk sama kakak gue yang belom tidur itu. Gue kesel banget, ngapain sih, nggak bisa bikin orang seneng banget deh. Tapi dia bilang dengan pelan, “Dek, buka dek. Penting.” Akhirnya gue buka deh. Penasaran, sepenting apa sih sampe gue mesti dibangunin.

Kakak: Dek yang kuat ya.
Gue: Apa sih?
Kakak: Indah, kamu juga ya.
Ibro: (masih merem) Hmm…
Kakak: Oom Iyo meninggal.
Ibro: (nggak ada reaksi, diem, tetep aja merem)
Gue: (melongo) Nggak lucu lo (nadanya datar)
Kakak: Ih, ya orang beneran
Gue: (balik ke tempat tidur, nutupin seluruh badan pake selimut) Nggak tau ah.
Kakak: Dek, kamu jangan gitu dong. Ini serius. Tadi Oom Koko telepon jam 12, dia lagi mau on the way ke Bandung sekarang.

I was like, I couldn’t fucking believe it! Ooh sweet God why does it happen to me? This morning was Grandma, now my uncle? It's only 18 hours away! Well they’re from the different side of my family but they’re still my family… Gue sesenggukan, tapi nggak ada air mata yang keluar. My tears had gone dry. Now I feel sorry for my uncle I couldn’t cry for him.

Ibro: Dua kali, di hari kalender masehi yang sama, gue dikasih tau berita kayak gini pas bangun tidur. Nggak bisa nangis ah gue.

Kakak gue cerita semua kronologis sampe dia bisa tau beritanya, termasuk saat ngasih tau Mama, yang bikin Mama jadi nggak bisa tidur. She’s been working even more than a dog, she’s even more exhausted than I am. Kebetulan, eyang, yang adalah ibunya Mama dan Oom Iyo itu, lagi nginep di rumah gue, dan di kamar yang sama juga sama Mama.

In the end I cried again. I couldn’t sleep at all. And, true. It was, really tiring. For the second time I see a real dead body lying cold and tense in front of me. Two days in a row. I couldn’t be sadder. There, in my Granny’s house, I realized that my tears hadn’t gone dry. It was like watching “P.S. I love You” for the second time. His wife was extremely devastated, she was unconscious for some time.

Gue melihat dia sempet mengelus-elus wajah suaminya selama 10 tahun terakhir untuk terakhir kalinya, she looked so vulnerable. And so is Granny. She was even more devastated. At the cemetery, dia mengelus-elus nisannya, bunga-bunga tabur di atas makamnya… I remember she was saying, “Jangan sedih ya kamu sendirian. Jangan marah-marah…”

it must be so hard for her to wake up every morning, and knowing that there’s nobody sleeping next to her again, while she’s been in that position for 10 years. It must be so hard for her to be single again. Maybe she’s forgot how to be single and alone. Maybe she doesn’t know how to go out and dating again. Most of all, she’s not ready to let go of her love. In fact nobody will be, but it’s all too sudden. Because in the end, all we have to do is let go.

And so, the pain is just too much to bear.

I’ll be missing you always, Grandma, and Oom Iyo. Bye bye.

Mbah: Kamu makan apa, Rien?
Gue: Makan tongseng Mbah
Mbah: Gigimu kuat, toh?
Gue: (nyengir) kuat lah, aku kan masih muda, hehehehe.
Mbah: Gigimu sekuat itu?
Gue: Hah?
Mbah: Kok gigimu kuat makan tong sama seng?
Gue: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Mama: HUAHAHAHAHA IBU ADA-ADA AJA DEH!